I work at the Water Bureau. I got a call to go out to a house on a “loud water” complaint.

A nice elderly gentleman came out of the house and told me that the water was louder and it had been that way for a week. I asked many questions to try to narrow it down to a cause, and the gentleman said he hadn’t made any changes to the house or anything different with the plumbing recently.

Finally, I asked him if there was anything new in his life in the last week. The man thought for a moment and said, “Well, I did get new hearing aids last week.”

I suggested that perhaps he could just hear the water better now that he had hearing aids. The man said, “Well, God d***, I bet you’re right! That just proves to my wife I’m not crazy. Thanks!” And he went back into his house.

Another satisfied customer.

(My coworker who normally works in the morning is helping a customer at our donut case. It’s about four in the afternoon.)

Customer: “Why are these donuts so expensive?”

(Donuts are 50 cents each.)

Coworker: “Well, they do go on sale later in the evening.” *to me* “What is the deal with donut sale?”

Me: “Donuts are 50% off after five, but you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “I have to wait an hour to buy donuts?!”

Me: “If you want the discount. And you have to buy a dozen.”

Customer: “Can’t you just give me the discount? I only want two. I’m old!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t give you the discount.”

Customer: “Well, who can? I’m old!”

Me: “Maybe the store manager.”

(The customer wanders off and comes back a few minutes later.)

Customer: “The store manager said I could have the donuts for half price.”

Me: “Okay.”

(The customer picks out his two donuts and shakes them angrily at us as he walks away.)

Customer: “I’m old!”

Coworker: “I’m middle-aged! Where’s my discount? You’re young! Where’s your discount?”

(A polite old lady enters the shop:)

Customer: “Hello there, dear. I was wondering if you have any gloves?”

Me: “Hello. Yes, all the gloves we have are just here.” *shows them*

Customer: “Oh… I was hoping to find some nice leather ones. Oh well, hopefully some old biddy like me will die soon and I can come back and get her gloves, then!”

It’s the height of our spring pollen season here, and I’m checking out groceries to my customers in front of the big, sliding-glass shop-front doors.

I feel a sneeze coming on, so I turn away from my customer, sneeze, and excuse myself, laughing it off and commenting about the pollen.

My customer is a tiny, wizened little old lady, at least in her eighties.

She blesses me, and, without missing a beat, follows it with, “The d*** pollen’s so thick out there, the druggies are trying to convert their meth back to Sudafed!”

I stare, stunned. That comment has been floating around social media for a couple of weeks now, but this tiny old lady caught me completely off-guard!

(The show “Singing in the Rain,” featuring actual onstage rain, has just finished, and the audience is thanking all the actors for a good show. One elderly lady walks up to me.)

Elderly Lady: “Ugh. This show got me wet. It’s a shame; I get wet every other day of the week, anyway.”

(I was scared to shake her hand after that!)