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How To Tell You’ve Lowered Your Standards

, , , | Right | March 30, 2009

(I am finishing checking out an elderly man’s purchases when this exchange happens.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “When you’re 85 years old and you wake up with a pulse, and your next-door neighbor isn’t hitting you over the head with a shovel, you’re having a good day.”

Me: “…”

Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 14, 2008

(I’ve just done a sales pitch for Internet service.)

Customer: “Oh, honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know what to do with the Internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

Me: “I don’t know; I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

Chippendales, The Golden Years

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2008

(Four elderly men enter the store. They are all at least 70, balding, and at least one has a cane.)

Manager: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Elderly Man #1: “Are those bagels hot, young lady?”

Manager: “They’re pretty hot. They’ve been out about ten minutes.”

Elderly Man #2: “But are they as hot as us?”

Back In My Day, We Walked Barefoot, Backwards And Buck Naked

, , , , | Right | June 26, 2008

(Keep in mind that our bookstore only sells books, CDs, and DVDs: no electronics, no rentals, or software.)

Coworker: “Good morning, what can I help you find?”

Old Customer: “I need a keyboard for that computer thing.”

Coworker: “We don’t sell keyboards, I’m sorry. Have you tried [Store] across the parking lot?”

Old Customer: “But I don’t want to go over there! I want to buy it here!”

Coworker: “Sorry, I don’t have any to sell you. We don’t carry computer parts.”

(The customer proceeds to get worked up into a fine fury, face blotched red and pulled up to her full height.)

Old Customer: “Well, I never! In my day, you could walk into any store, anywhere, and by God if they wanted your business they would FIND it for you!” *storms out*

Eavesdropping Manager: “Well, in her day, everything was a general store!”

Youth Is Wasted By The Old

, , , , | Right | May 28, 2008

(A very old lady, clearly hard of hearing and sight walks over to me.)

Customer: “Young man! You don’t have any Canola Harvest butter on the shelf!”

(I had stocked Canola Harvest margarine not twenty minutes earlier.)

Me: “Are you sure? I was certain we had–”

Customer: “You don’t have it. I already looked at your shelf.”

Me: “They changed the label on the tub last week. You probably don’t recognize–”

Customer: “I KNOW where it goes, young man. You don’t have it on the shelf!”

Me: “Let’s go check one more time.”

Customer: “You’re a buffoon, completely incapable! I need an adult… You should get me your manager!”

(We arrive. I pull a tub of Canola Harvest off the shelf and hold it to her.)

Me: “Here you go, ma’am. Canola Harvest.”

Customer: “That’s NOT Canola Harvest! It comes in a white container! Get me your manager!”

Me: *reading the tub* “Canola… Harvest. It’s a new label, is all.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. You must’ve changed the label on me again. *laughs* You should’ve told me it was a different color, young man!”

Me: *gun-finger-to-head*