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(Bra)ce Yourself

, , , | Right | January 28, 2010

(A very elderly female customer walks up to the register and hands over an empty hanger.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but what exactly was on this empty hanger?”

Customer: “This!” *very elderly customer lifts up shirt to reveal bra*

Me: “Oh… Oh, God.”


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Some Years Are More Golden Than Others

, , , | Right | December 8, 2009

(I work at a restaurant where I have to wear an extremely conservative uniform with minimal makeup and jewelry. I’m serving two elderly ladies.)

Me: “Hey, guys, how are y’all doing today? What can I get for you to drink?”

Customer #1: “Coffee.”

Customer #2: “Me too, please.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll have that right out for you.”

Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “Doesn’t she look like a gold digger?”

Customer #2: “I was thinking the same thing!” *to me* “Honey, are you a gold digger?”

Me: “Um, no, ma’am. I am just a waitress.”

Customer #1: “Well, come on now, dear. It’s obvious that you’re a gold digger.”

Customer #2: “It’s nothing to be ashamed of! Be proud! In all my years of living, I’ve learned it’s the best thing to do; be a gold digger!”

Me: “What?”

Customer #2: “It’s okay to be a gold digger, honey. I’m sure you’re a very good one! You look like you’d be great at it.”

Customer #1: “Yes! Well, I’m glad we know that you’re a gold digger now. I’m proud of you. I’d like cream with my coffee.”

Me: “O… Okay, I’ll have that right out…”

The Secret Language Of Customers

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2009

(An elderly customer approaches me while I make the rounds at the computer store.)

Customer: “Hello, young man! I would like one of those things…” *points to a laptop on display*

Me: “Sure thing! I have a couple of questions. What do you think you will mainly use it for?”

Customer: “Oh, I want to send screen mail.”

Me: “You mean email?”

Customer: “No! Screen mail!”

(Just as she says this, my supervisor walks up.)

Supervisor: “Oh, screen mail!”

Customer: “Yes, see? This young fellow gets it!”

(My supervisor points to a deli across the street)

Supervisor: “They sell screen mail over there.”

(She leaves and promptly returns after twenty minutes.)

Customer: “Thank you!” *holds up a bag of potato chips* “I got them!”

See No Evil, Grope No Evil

, , , , , | Right | August 27, 2009

(I’m a man. One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple of lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, ma’am.”

(I walk out of the backroom at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone, too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you anymore!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)

Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

, , , , , | Right | August 5, 2009

(I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

Other Customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

(Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

Little Old Lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

Other Customer: *storms off*

She is now a regular of mine!