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He Has A Gift

, , , , | Related | December 23, 2012

(We are at my grandparents’ house to open presents on Christmas. My four-year-old sister opens a doll cradle that needs to be assembled. My grandpa gets a screwdriver and is putting it together. He is tightening up the last screws.)

Sister: “Grandpa, you sure are a good screwer!”

Grandma: “Honey, in his day, he was one of the best!”

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A Fertile Family Christmas Tree

, , , , , | Related | December 21, 2012

(I am speaking with my grandmother at our yearly Christmas family gathering. She is the widowed, 85-year-old matriarch of the family, having mothered six children, nine grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren, all of whom are in attendance. She is getting on in years and is not always all there, but every so often she comes out with gems.)

Grandmother: “I just love looking at all of my family.”

Me: “You did that. You made all of this happen. You should be proud of yourself.”

Grandmother: *matter-of-factly* “It’s because I was so sexy.”

Me: *laughing* “I bet you were!”

Grandmother: “And because it was so easy. Your grandfather could stand at one side of the room, and I’d stand on the other, and he’d wink at me, and BOOM! I’d be pregnant.”

(I’m now laughing hysterically, while my mom, number six of the six kids, overhears the conversation and takes note of all the children listening.)

Mom: “That’s just how it happened!”

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Get Yell Soon

, , , | Right | July 17, 2012

(While standing near a store’s greeting card selection, I overhear this conversation between an older customer and an employee.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m looking for a Father’s Day card to give to my son. However, you only have two here and they’re stupid.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, but those are the only ones of that type of card that we have.”

Customer: “But they’re stupid!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir.”

Customer: “You know what? You need to call your greeting card people and make them send you better cards! You know, we’re all growing older here and we have sons that have children. I want to give my son a Father’s Day card! What is wrong with you people?”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have any control over what the greeting card company sends us. We just display the cards they provide us with.”

Customer: “Well, I’ll just have to go to [Other Store] then! Maybe they’ll have what I need!”

Employee: “Feel free to do that, sir. However, I can tell you that they are supplied by the same company. They will have the same selection.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I guess we’re just not supposed to get older, is that it?! We’re not allowed to age! You need to call your supplier and demand you get better stock!”

Employee: “I’m sorry, sir, we have no control over—”

Customer: “CALL THEM! What an outrage! You are the rudest employee I’ve ever had to deal with! We’re just getting older! We should be allowed to get older! Call your company RIGHT NOW!”

Employee: “Sir, if you just leave your name, I can tell my manager you have a complaint—”

Customer: “NO! JUST CALL YOUR D*** COMPANY!” *angrily storms out*

28 Years Later

, , , | Right | February 14, 2011

(A little old lady approaches the counter.)

Little Old Lady: “Do you carry flamethrowers?

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The Elderly Fight Change

, , , , | Right | January 18, 2011

(I’m working the counter of a busy service station. An elderly customer comes in to pay.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Just pump six and the LPG today?”

Customer: *producing his bankcard* “Yes, that’s all, thanks.”

Me: “Great, your total is $46.71.” *rings up sale and waits for him to enter his PIN*

Customer: “Can I have my change?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

Customer: “My change.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’m really sorry, but I’m not quite sure what change you mean.”

Customer: “What’s my total again?”

Me: “$46.71.”

Customer: “Great, can I have my change?”

Me: “Sir, you’re paying by card. You won’t get change as you will be paying the exact amount electronically.”

Customer: “Oh, I see.”

(He is pressing buttons on the keypad, but has not selected an account.)

Me: “Sir, you need to select an account.”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve done that.”

Me: “You want ‘Cheque’” or ‘Savings’?”

(He finally selects ‘Cheque’ and enters in a PIN. After a few seconds, it comes up declined as he has entered an incorrect PIN.)

Me: “Okay, sir, you’ve entered an invalid number for your PIN. I need you to try again.”

(I ring up the sale again, and make sure he selects ‘Cheque’ again. He seems very confused.)

Customer: “What was my total again? I want to get this right.”

Me: “Forty-six dollars and seventy-one cents, sir.”

Customer: “Okay!” *punches in numbers and announces them out loud* “4-6-7-1!”

Me: “Hang on, sir. You’re entering your total instead of your PIN.”

Customer: “Well, yes.”

Me: “The total is already in our computer. You need to enter the PIN for your card so the sale goes through.”

Customer: “Oh. What’s my PIN, then?”

Me: “Would you prefer to pay cash, sir?”

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