Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

It’s Not Always Nice To See More Of Your Mother

, , , | Related Romantic | June 1, 2017

(My mum has gotten a new phone.)

Mum: *sends picture of her cleavage*

Me: “What are you doing!”

Mum: “You like that big boy? You want more?”

Me: “No!”

Mum: *sends more*

(As she is only downstairs, I decide to just talk to her.)

Me: “Mum, STOP! You’re sending those to me.”

Mum: *going pale and checking her phone* “[Last three digits]?”

(I nod.)

Mum: “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry. I’ve got you saved as your father!”

(I’m traumatised.)

Fighting For Three

, , , , , , | Right | May 23, 2016

(I’m eight months pregnant with twins and am massive. My weight has gone up to 13st and my belly is stretched beyond belief. I’m with my eldest daughter getting the last minute shopping as I’m being induced in a fortnight. I can’t move very fast and am having terrible mood swings. I’m pushing the trolley and my daughter is doing all the running around for me.)

Me: “Okay, nearly done. I need a rest.”

(I feel a trolley pushing in to me from the back and turn to see an elderly man.)

Customer: “C’mon, fatty, get out of my way.”

Me: “Excuse me!”

Customer: “You heard. You should be ashamed of yourself. Making her do all the work just ’cause you’re too lazy to bother.”

Me: “Um, I’m pregnant, not fat and lazy. And please don’t push your trolley into me.”

Customer: “I’ll do as I see fit. I’m 70 years old and can still get my own shopping. I didn’t fight in the war just to watch fat slobs like you work your kids to the bone.”

(He then pushes the trolley into my thigh and hip.)

Me: “That’s it! Listen to me you miserable old b******. First of all, if you’re 70 you didn’t fight in any war. WWII ended in 1945; you would’ve been a baby. Secondly, I am obviously heavily pregnant and my daughter is helping as I can’t reach up or bend down. Thirdly, if you ram me with that trolley again I will do it back to you. Just because you’re old it doesn’t give you the right to be an a**-hole!”

Customer: “How dare you talk to me like that! I fought in the war; I could have died for our country!”

(He tried to push my trolley into me, but my daughter moved it. I’d had enough by then and decided to do it back to him. I pushed his trolley into him as he was holding onto it and backed him up to a display and trapped him there. Several people stop to look.)

Me: “Come on, then, you cantankerous old f***er! Not so tough now that the whole shop can see you. Still want to yell at the pregnant lady for being fat and lazy? Still want to ram a trolley into me while I’m carrying twins? I didn’t think so. See, I know you didn’t fight in a war. You’re a miserable, lonely old coward who can only feel better about themselves when they’re making others feel bad. Didn’t work on me, did it? What’s wrong, old man? Forgotten all the horrible things you said to me? Nothing mean to say now that I’m not some meek little woman?”

(I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn, still quite angry.)

Security Guard: “Maybe we can let him go now, ma’am. I think he’s been told off enough. My colleague will escort the gentleman out. May I suggest a complimentary drink and cake from our café?”

Me: *as sweet as sugar again* “Ooh, cake. That’s very kind. He was extremely rude.”

Security Guard: “I know, another customer told us and we could see everything on CCTV. How far along are you?”

Me: “I’m being induced in a fortnight. I have two 7lb-ers in here and I’ve had enough.”

Security Guard: “My wife had twins last year. The last trimester was the worst two and a half months of my life and I WAS in a war! I would’ve gladly gone back to Afghanistan to get away from her at times!”

(The elderly man was asked to leave and I and my (very embarrassed) daughter had a lovely piece of cake. And no, I didn’t feel bad about talking to a pensioner that way. Just because you’ve lived a long time, doesn’t mean you can be rude.)

Gramps Grumps

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2013

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Old Man: “MEAN!”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s no good.”

Old Man: “Yeah, it scares off all the pretty ladies.”

Me: “Well, you don’t want to scare them off. That’s no good.”

Old Man: “I’m 80; I can’t do anything else with them. I might as well scare them away; makes it easier for me that way!”


This story is part of the grouch day roundup!

Read the next grouch day roundup story!

Read the grouch day roundup!

He Has A Gift

, , , , | Related | December 23, 2012

(We are at my grandparents’ house to open presents on Christmas. My four-year-old sister opens a doll cradle that needs to be assembled. My grandpa gets a screwdriver and is putting it together. He is tightening up the last screws.)

Sister: “Grandpa, you sure are a good screwer!”

Grandma: “Honey, in his day, he was one of the best!”


This story is part of the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

Read the next Family-At-Christmas Roundup story!

Read the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

A Fertile Family Christmas Tree

, , , , , | Related | December 21, 2012

(I am speaking with my grandmother at our yearly Christmas family gathering. She is the widowed, 85-year-old matriarch of the family, having mothered six children, nine grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren, all of whom are in attendance. She is getting on in years and is not always all there, but every so often she comes out with gems.)

Grandmother: “I just love looking at all of my family.”

Me: “You did that. You made all of this happen. You should be proud of yourself.”

Grandmother: *matter-of-factly* “It’s because I was so sexy.”

Me: *laughing* “I bet you were!”

Grandmother: “And because it was so easy. Your grandfather could stand at one side of the room, and I’d stand on the other, and he’d wink at me, and BOOM! I’d be pregnant.”

(I’m now laughing hysterically, while my mom, number six of the six kids, overhears the conversation and takes note of all the children listening.)

Mom: “That’s just how it happened!”


This story is part of the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!

Read the next Family-At-Christmas Roundup story!

Read the Family-At-Christmas Roundup!