I’m walking through a park and a very sweet puppy comes over to say hello. I don’t pet it in case that isn’t okay with its owner, but I greet it as warmly as I can.

Me: “Hey, cutie!”

The puppy’s owner whirls round to glare at me.

Owner: “He’s a boy, actually!”

The owner stormed off, pulling the poor puppy behind him. I didn’t think puppies had a concept of gender, let alone one so fragile that being called a cutie might threaten one’s masculinity.

I work in the renewals and billing department of a large UK energy company. In November 2018, said company made it so that certain tariffs and deals are ONLY available online. We did not have access to them other than the names. At least three times a day after this, this conversation occurs.

Customer: “I would like a quote on this deal I have been recommended.”

Me: “I’m sorry for this, but unfortunately, that deal is an online exclusive. We do not have access to it.”

Customer: “But I don’t have a computer.”

Me: “We don’t have access to that deal; I can give you basic information on it but I cannot put you on it.”

Customer: “Well, get me someone who can.”

Me: “The deal you are looking for is an online exclusive; none of us over the phone have access to it.”

Customer: “Stop repeating yourself! I don’t have a computer! I am elderly and I cannot believe you are discriminating against me like this!” *Violent sobbing*

Me: “Unfortunately, we cannot do this deal over the phone. I can go through the ones I have but they may not be at the same price point. But if it is this deal you want, it needs to be done online. Do you have any family members or friends who can help?”

Customer: “I do not have a computer! No one I know has a computer! Just put me on the deal!”

I banged my head on the desk repeatedly.

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Internot Getting It

I’ve been working in a call centre for the last two years dealing with very irate customers, to the point that my manager has jokingly referred to me as “stinker magnet”.

Customer: “I think my bill is wrong.”

Me: “Okay, let me load that up to see. Whilst I’m doing so, what isn’t correct about it?”

Customer: “It can’t be correct; it’s too low.”

I look to my colleague beside me with a bewildered look.

Me: “Yes, I can see here your monthly bill is £72, which is pretty average this time of year—”

Customer: “Listen, that is too low. I know it is. For the great inconvenience this has caused me and has screwed up my finances this month, I demand a 50% discount.”

I am stunned, mouthing words I shouldn’t.

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we are unable to give discounts because a bill is too low. If it was high I would be willing to work something out with you and maybe offer you a discount but I cannot do so if you think it is too low.”

Customer: “No, you will get me that discount because I am a customer and I am right. I am also a very respected accountant so I know I am entitled to this. If you will not do your job, get me your manager.”

I know I won’t get anywhere with this one. I flag a manager over who asks what it was about, and I just tell them to ask.

Manager: “Hello there, my name is [Very Common Name] and I am a manager. How can I help you today?”

I’m biting my lip hard and trying not to burst out laughing.

Manager: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? Did you just ask for a 50% discount because your bill is lower than you expected and it is causing you a massive inconvenience?”

Everyone in close vicinity turns to listen in. The customer is now screaming obscenities so loudly it can be heard over the headset.

Manager: “No, sir, I can assure you that I nor my employee are incompetent. She has already told you she would’ve been willing to negotiate a discount if you thought it was high, but you cannot get a discount because it is lower than what you expected. Goodbye.”

I’ve recently moved from Ireland to Scotland and have taken a job in a sub shop.

Customer: “Can I get a six-inch on wheat?”

Me: “Sure, what would you like on it?”

Customer: “No, I want wheat bread.”

Me: “This is wheat bread.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. I want wheat bread.”

Me: *Points at our sign* “These are our bread options. As you can see, this is the wheat bread. Do you want one of the wheat variations?”

Customer: “No. I want wheat bread.”

Before I can respond, my Scottish coworker pops her head out from the back.

Coworker: “[My Name], he’s saying he wants white bread! I don’t think you’re used to our accent yet.”

Customer: “Yes! Exactly! Wheat bread.”

Me: “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry!”

Customer: “Nae bother. We got there in the end.”

I’m the stupid one in this story. For the last two months, I’ve been having issues with my Wi-Fi; my phone has barely been connecting to it, and even when it does connect, I can’t seem to load anything. I get an email from my provider near the start of this about them doing work around my area, so I should expect problems for the next few weeks, but after two months of problems, I phone to see what’s going on.

Me: “Hi. I’ve been having issues with my Wi-Fi. I know there’s been work going on around my area, so I was wondering when that will be done and everything will be back to normal?”

Tech Support: “Okay, I’m looking here and it looks like the work has been finished. Can you connect to your Wi-Fi?”

Me: “Yes, sometimes, but I can’t seem to load anything when I’m connected.”

Tech Support: “Okay, what do the lights on your router look like?”

Me: “The main light is blue; I don’t see any other lights.”

Tech Support: “Okay, can you go ahead and unplug the router for me for thirty seconds?”

Me: “Oh, my God, I’m such an idiot. I’ve been dealing with this for so long and I forgot to do the most basic thing!”

I unplug the router, wait, and plug it back in, and everything works again.

Me: “Well, looks like you can put me down as another silly customer that phones tech support for something she could have fixed herself.”

Tech Support: “Well, ma’am, you didn’t shout at me, so you’ve got that going for you, at least. I hope you have a pleasant evening.”