Me: “That’s £26.50, please.”

Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

Me: “Err, no?”

(Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygienic.”

Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

Customer: “Bah!”

(A couple from up north comes into our tourist shop.)

Female Customer: “Oh look, honey!”

Husband: “Oh, wow!”

Female Customer: *points to little ceramic cow skull* “Ooh, could I see that?”

Me: “Sure…”

Female Customer: “Ooh, this is sooo pretty! What do you call them?”

Me: “Well, I call them ‘cow skulls.'”

Female Customer: “Ohhh, honey! She says they’re called “cow skulls”!

Customer: “THIS STORE IS RACIST! YOU ARE RACIST!”

Me: *confused* “Um… why?”

Customer: “Your Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf! I demand to speak to your manager!

Me: “Okay, go ahead. I’m the manager on duty.”

Customer: “This is an insult to me that your Native American puzzles are on the lower shelf. This is racism!”

Me: “So, I’m a racist because the Native American puzzles are on the bottom shelf…”

(I look at the shelf and notice some animal puzzles on the very bottom shelf.)

Me: “Well, I hope PETA doesn’t find these puppy puzzles down here then.”

Customer: *storms off*

I work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s retail store. Here are a few things customers have asked me:

1. “Do you sell doo-rags here?”

2. “Do you want to come live in my condo with me, wrap my gifts, and keep me company?”

3. “What?! Iced tea makes you thirsty?!”

4. “Do my earrings make me look like Greta Garbo? Do they scream, ‘I want to be alone’?!”

5. “Are these rainbow watches for the queers?”

(We have a lot of patriotic displays up in the store windows for the 4th of July: flags, red white and blue balloons, Uncle Sam hats, etc.)

Old Lady #1: “Wow, look at all of these! It’s Christmas in July.”

Old Lady #2: “I love it when they do this. I love crazy things like Christmas in July!”

This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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