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It Was A Bad Idea To Begin With, But He Picked The Wrong Kid

, , , , , , | Working | November 25, 2020

I work at a gift shop in downtown Austin. We’re not exactly a huge business, but Austin’s got a lot of people in it, so there’s pretty much always enough revenue coming in to keep the place up and running. Plus, though I don’t mean to brag, a lot of the customers do talk about how nice and friendly an employee I am and how good I am at customer service.

However, my coworker is not as nice, friendly, or good at customer service. He often goes around playing pranks on the customers, scaring the children with stories, and behaving like an overall jerk to everyone who comes in the store. He is even pretty mean to the other employees, which is why most of us tend to dislike him, as well.

The manager is out sick, so [Coworker] is being more of an a**hole than usual and getting on everybody’s nerves. Apparently, his favorite hobbies when the boss isn’t around are blowing air horns in our ears at random intervals, lying to customers about where to find stuff, and doing whatever else he can think of to make us hate him more than we already do.

At one point, I am restocking shelves when I notice a little boy, seemingly about seven or eight years old, at the other end of the aisle. He doesn’t seem lost, considering he isn’t really yelling out for his parents or anything, but it also seems a little off that he would be in the glassware section of the store and not the children’s section, especially without anyone else around.

I begin to walk up to him and ask him if he is lost, when [Coworker] pops up seemingly out of nowhere and begins talking to him before I can.

Coworker: “Hey, little guy. What’s your name?”

Boy: “My name is [Boy].”

Coworker: “Well, [Boy], are you lost or anything?”

Boy: “A little. I think my mom is still in the store, but I can’t find her.”

Coworker: “That’s unfortunate. Do you know what we do with little children that get lost here?”

“Oh no,” I think. [Coworker] isn’t going to help this kid out at all.

Boy: “N-no. What?”

Coworker: “We grab ’em by the feet…”

He picks [Boy] up by his legs, at which point the boy begins screaming.

Coworker: “…and then we take ’em to the ’employees only’ part of the store and feed ’em to the hungry crocodiles!”

The boy is now really beginning to shriek, undoubtedly alerting the whole store to his presence. I, of course, have finally had my fill of [Coworker]’s d*****baggery, and I begin walking up to him to give him a piece of my mind.

Out of nowhere, a lady’s voice suddenly shouts.

Lady: “FREEZE!”

[Coworker] quickly turns his head around to his side, where he sees an armed officer pointing her gun in his direction.

Lady: “DROP THE BOY AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!”

[Coworker], of course, complied immediately and put the boy on the floor. The boy shouted, “Mommy!” The officer then put her gun back in its holster and hugged the boy tightly. I, of course, was absolutely stunned.

Of all the kids [Coworker] picked out to pick on, he chose a boy who just happened to be the son of a Dallas police officer. Honestly, I thought it was pretty incredible Karma that had taken place that day.

Long story short, while [Coworker] did manage to avoid getting arrested, the manager unsurprisingly found out about the incident and fired him from the gift shop the following day. I’m still in awe over the incident, and honestly, I think I may never be able to forget that day when the kindergarten bully in a grown man’s body got taken down by local law enforcement.

What’s The Fun In That?

, , , , , | Related | October 11, 2020

A mother and her two young children are shopping for toys. The little girl has already made her selection and is waiting by the counter for her younger brother to pick something when she strikes up a conversation.

Little Girl: *Dramatically* “I’m soooo sorry about this. He’s having trouble picking a toy. We’ve got to make sure he picks the right toy, but…” *sigh* “…he’s new at this.”

Me: “That’s okay; you guys have got plenty of time to find what you want.”

Little Girl: “He has to learn not to pick big toys; my mom says that’s really important. Otherwise, he’ll think too much about them and start to turn into them!”

Me: “Oh! Well, that wouldn’t be good!”

Little Girl: “I know. That’s why I’m not allowed to have a horse until I’m older, because while I’m little, a horse is too big, so if I get a horse, it’s too much for my brain to handle, and I’ll turn into a horse person and have to sleep in a barn! But I can still get little horse toys because I’m bigger than they are, and my little brother can get little dinosaur toys, as well.”

Me: *Trying not to chuckle* “I’m glad you were able to find one, then. And don’t worry; we have plenty of little dinosaur toys.”

Little Girl: “Good! Because if he thinks too much about dinosaurs at his young age, he’ll turn into a dinosaur-brother, and not just a dinosaur-brother, but a vampire-dinosaur-brother!”

Me: “Ooh, that’d be really scary!”

Little Girl: “Yes. And I don’t want a vampire-dinosaur-brother! Because in the middle of the night I’ll hear this…”

The little girl proceeds to dramatically act out what a person changing into vampire-dinosaur-brother would be like, complete with hissing, roars, and bodily spasms. Her mother and brother now approach the counter. The mother has clearly overheard the whole conversation and looks a little embarrassed.

Me: “Did we find one that won’t turn anyone into a vampire-dinosaur?”

Kids’ Mother: “Yes, finally!”

Little Girl: “Are you surrrrre?”

Me: “Well, if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have the receipt in case you need to return it.”

Little Girl: “Good!”

She snatches the receipt and hands it to her mother.

Little Girl: “Hang on to that!”

Thus far, I haven’t seen any reports of a vampire-dinosaur terrorizing the city, so it looks like their mother made the right call!

That’s One Way To Maintain Social Distance!

, , , , , , , | Working | September 23, 2020

Due to the current health crisis, it is required that customers wear a face covering when entering any shop. I’ve just finished my shopping and am heading back to my car when I suddenly remember I need to buy a birthday card. I dash back to the local independent card shop, and seeing that there is only one other customer, I head straight inside, forgetting I have removed my mask.

Cashier: “Hey! You need to wear a mask!”

Me: “Oh! I’m so sorry!”

I go back outside, get my mask out, and pop it on, and I head back in.

Cashier: *Glaring at me* “You can’t just come in without a mask!”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I totally forgot. I was just—”

Cashier: “You have to wear one! It’s against the law if you don’t!”

Me: “I know. I’ve been wearing one all day. I’d just taken it off—”

Cashier: “We could call the police, you know! People think they’re above the law. You could infect people!”

Me: “Okay, look. I made a mistake and I apologised. I’m wearing a mask now. Can I shop here or not?”

Cashier: “Hmph. Made a mistake. Right. Are you one of those conspiracy theory people? I bet you’re against vaccines, too, aren’t you? You think the government’s lying and—”

I stare at her in complete disbelief as she starts to go on about anti-vaxxers and other weird conspiracies, and eventually, she realises that both I and the other customer are just standing there staring, and trails off.

Me: “Are you done?”

Cashier: “All I’m saying—”

Me: “No. I don’t care. I made a simple mistake, I’ve got my mask on now, you have stood there and spouted ridiculous accusations, and you’ve guaranteed I’ll never shop here again. Great customer service. Congratulations.”

The cashier stutters as I walk out.

Cashier: “But— Er— I didn’t— Um—”

The other customer dumps a handful of cards on the counter.

Customer: “You know what? I’d rather buy these somewhere else now.”

That customer walked out right behind me.

Attack Of The Man Thing

, , , , , | Right | July 29, 2020

I am in a gift store Christmas shopping and find the perfect T-shirt for my son. It has a picture of a TV remote control on the front and says, “It’s a man thing!” 

Me: *To a saleswoman* “I’d like one of these in an extra-large.”

The saleswoman calls across the busy store to a stock boy.

Saleswoman: “I need a ‘man thing’ in an extra-large!” 

A woman behind me in line speaks up.

Woman: “Don’t we all?” 

Who Doesn’t Love Dragons?, Part 2

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2020

My husband and I operate a gift shop that sells handmade ceramic items. One day, we are participating in a craft show where we have dragons, ceramic eggs, and orbs for sale, among other items. A little boy around five years old comes into the booth with his mother. 

Boy: “Mommy, look at the dragons!”

Mom: “They look very nice, but they’ll break; please don’t touch.”

Boy: “Mommy, dragon eggs! I bet if we get one of these, a dragon will hatch!” 

Mom: “Honey, I don’t think so.”

Boy: “Please, Mommy, can I have one? I bet a dragon like this purple and orange one will hatch from the purple egg with spots.”

Mom: “Not right now. Let’s go look in the next booth; your Dad is over there.” 

Boy: “But Mom…”

Twenty minutes later, she is back without the little boy.

Mom: “I have to have this egg. If for no other reason than the memory of that conversation. He’s going to spend days checking this egg.”

Every time we sell one of those eggs, we smile wondering if he’s figured out what type of dragon is going to hatch. 

Related:
Who Doesn’t Love Dragons?