(I work at a small museum that has a proportionally small gift shop. A girl who looks to be about seven years old walks up to the checkout.)

Me: “Hello, how may I help you today?”

(The only thing she’s holding is a silly little fortune teller fish made of thin plastic that costs 50 cents. It should also be noted that she looks terrified yet determined.)

Customer: “Hey, um, I actually wasn’t planning on buying anything, but I was looking at this fish thing and messing with it and then it ripped. And I don’t have any money with me. So… um…”

Me: “Oh, that’s so sweet of you! I know plenty of people who would have just stuck that in their pockets and walked right out. You know what, I’ll take care of that for you, and I’ll even give you a free gift card for being so honest!”

(The poor kid is so relieved it makes me laugh.)

Customer: “Oh, thanks, ma’am! I was so scared!”

Me: “No problem! It’s honest people like you that are going to go far in life! Have a good day, honey!”

(Totally made my day!)

(It’s almost dusk at the gift shop I am running at the southern rim of the Grand Canyon. A tourist couple approaches.)

Woman: “Where is the best spot to watch the Canyon at night?”

Me: “Well, anywhere along the walkway is good, but the sun’s going down very soon.”

Man: “Yes, we want to be here when they turn on the lights.”

Me: “…lights?”

Woman: “Yes, so we can see it at night.”

Me: “Umm, the Canyon is over a mile deep at this point, and the northern rim is over a mile across from here. There aren’t any lights in it for nighttime.”

Man: “Then how do you see it at night?”

Me: “…basically it’s the big blackness out there.”

(I’m working behind the register counter that has glass display cases of knives, wallets, etc. Some are engraved with CSA—Confederate States of America, and USA—for the Union.)

Customer: *running up to the counter* “Oooh! Knives! Wait, what does ‘CSA’ mean?”

Me: “It stands for ‘Confederate States of America.’ Did you want to have a look?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to buy. But, the Confederate states are the North, right?!”

Me: “No, not at all… ”

Customer: “Oh, oh well. But you know what’s strange? All these battles happened in national parks!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “I guess that just made it easier to hide behind the monuments!”

Me: “I have to get back to work; have a nice day.”

(I get back to folding and stocking while the customer walks out with the smuggest look on their face, like they just gave me a history lesson.)

This story is part of the National Parks-themed roundup!

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(I work near a property of the Royal Family’s, which is open to the public unless a member of the Royal Family is in residence. Today, this happens to be the case, due to a homecoming procession for a returning regiment. Most tourists hoping to visit have been quite accepting of this, but one American tourist is not.)

Tourist: “Why can’t I get into the castle?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, the Palace is closed to the public today because Princess Anne is in residence for the homecoming procession. It’ll be open tomorrow.”

Tourist: “I’m not here tomorrow! I’m only here today! Why didn’t they hold it tomorrow, so I could go today?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but in fairness, they can’t have been aware of your travel plans.”

Tourist: “Bull-s***! I booked all of my train and plane tickets online!”

Me: “Good for you, sir, but I don’t understand.”

Tourist: “On the internet! They should have checked whether or not people are only going to be here for one day! It’s on the internet, so they can check, obviously! Are you an idiot? Stupid little girls that don’t even speak real English!”

(A soldier walking past the shop looks in, and hears the tourist ranting.)

Soldier: “Sir, do you have a problem with the British military or royalty?”

(The soldier is wearing a large knife on his belt, and carrying a rifle. The angry tourist quickly leaves.)

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(The gift store where I work is going out of business. There are signs hanging up that state which items are excluded. Although the 50% off is written larger, the restrictions are still written in a fairly large font. A husband and wife are in the store.)

Me: “That will be $xx.xx.”

Husband: “Oh, why is it so expensive?”

Me: *pointing to the signs* “Well, due to vendor restrictions, the Willow Tree pieces are not part of the 50% off sale.”

Husband: “Oh, okay.”

(He pays for his purchase and starts to head toward the door, just as the wife is coming back in. The husband explains to the wife that the figures were full price.)

Wife: *to me* “Those were supposed to be half price! There’s a sign!” *points at the sign*

Me: “Actually, due to vendor restrictions, we’re not allowed to sell them at half price.”

Wife: “But the sign says 50% off!”

Me: “The sign says 50% off excluding Willow Tree and the jewelry over there.”

Wife: “Well, I didn’t read the bottom of the sign. I just read the part that says 50% off. That sign is misleading!”