(I’m decorating our storefront for Independence Day, which is July 10th. In 1973 we gained independence from Britain, though we are still part of the British Commonwealth. The glass doors are decorated with American colours for July 4th and the whole front of the store is decorated with Bahamian colours for July 10^th. An American tourist walks up with her husband.)

Tourist: “Miss! You’ve got the date wrong, and why are you using those colours?”

Me: “Oh, yes, ma’am. Bahamian Independence Day is the 10th. These are the colours of the Bahamian flag. I’ve decorated the front door with red, white, and blue for Americans like yourself!”

Tourist: *looks puzzled for a moment* “But Independence Day is on the 4th…”

Me: “Yes ma’am, in the US it is, but here it’s the 10th.”

Tourist: “But it’s July…”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. A strange coincidence that they are both in July, isn’t it?”

Tourist: *finally looking resolved* “No! This isn’t right; you should have the right date and colours like every other state, even if you’re on an island!”

Me: “But we aren’t a state… We aren’t even part of your countr—”

Tourist: “State, member, province, whatever, that is no excuse to act un-American! Darn islanders…” *she walks off as her husband glares at me over his shoulder*

This story is part of our July 4th roundup!

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(My parents have taken my sister and me to visit our aunt, uncle, and cousin in Seattle. They’ve been taking us around to interesting places all day. My cousin is about four, and I’m 12, when this takes place.)

Cousin: *waves an inflatable shark in my uncle’s face* “Daddy! Daddy! Make it big!”

Uncle: “I don’t give blow-jobs to sharks.

(My uncle puts the toy on top of the highest shelf he can find, then suddenly realizes what he said.)

Cousin: “What’s a ‘blow-job’? Daddy! Daddy! I want the shark! It needs a ‘blow-job’!”

(My dad is desperately trying not to bust out laughing at this point. We all hastily leave without buying anything.)

Me: *whispering* “Dad, what’s a blow-job?”

(A family comes into the gift shop where I work. A small boy starts tugging on his father’s sleeve.)

Boy: “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

Dad: “I’m not buying you anything.”

(The boy pauses, and then rushes over to his mother.)

Boy: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!”

This story is part of our Father’s Day roundup.

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Customer: “Excuse me, what are these earrings?”

Me: “Those are an amethyst stone set in rose gold.”

Customer: “Rose gold? What is that, some cheap, fake gold? Gold is expensive!”

Me: “No, no, it is gold. Gold comes in different hues – like white gold, classic yellow gold, and rose gold.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, it’s too cheap to be pure gold.”

Me: “Well, gold has to be set as an alloy. It is too soft to be in pure elemental form, so they use another metal to keep it solid.”

Customer: “What other metal is it? That’s too expensive if it’s not gold.”

Me: “It’s set over sterling silver.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, never mind then…”

(I am woken up at 4 am to hear that my last remaining grandfather, who lives out-of-state, has just died. Needless to say it has been a tearful morning. Since no one at work has made an updated phone list since I started, over a year ago, I have almost no current numbers and the people whose numbers I do have are on shift this day already. I help my mom schedule her flight, get her packed, and call the store owner at 6 am, notifying him of the issue and requesting that he might find a replacement for me since I have no other coworkers to call and cover me. He is generally unsympathetic but says he will work on finding someone to come in for me. I end up not hearing from him and have to come in. I miss driving my mom to the airport and am unable to write any last words I want read at my grandpa’s funeral since I will be unable to attend it. At work, I call the owner and again ask for updated phone numbers or a possible replacement.)

Owner: “You know you’re responsible for finding your own replacement.”

Me: “I understand, but as I’ve explained earlier this morning, I have NO current phone numbers for anyone who isn’t already scheduled. I don’t know where to find them, or if a list has been made and not handed out.”

Owner: “Fine. We made a list. It’s in the back room. Now go find yourself a replacement.”

Me: “Okay.”

Owner: “And do me one other favor while you’re at it.”

Me: “Yes?”

(At this point I’m frustrated, suspicious, and verging on tears.)

Owner: “You should have warned me that this could happen. You knew he was sick and was probably going to die soon. Next time, let me know about this kind of stuff.”

Me: “WHAT?! He’s been in and out of hospitals for YEARS now! He came back last night from the hospital and everyone thought he was okay!”

(I’m now crying too hard to continue saying anything.)

Owner: “Okay, okay. But just let me know next time.”

(I then hung up on him in a rage after some incoherent babbling and sobbing. If it wasn’t for how bad I would have felt to make my favorite coworker open the store alone, I would have quit and walked out that day! I did find a replacement who came in within the hour though. This was a big factor for me when I quit a few months later.)