(I overhear this conversation between a mom and a cashier.)

Cashier: “Your two daughters are so beautiful! They’re adorable!”

Mom: “Thanks! One of them is for sale! And they’re buy one, get one free!”

(It is near the end of my shift and my coworker has arrived to relieve me. As she’s putting her money in her register a guest approaches the counter.)

Guest: “Do you have a holding service?”

Me: “What’s that?”

Guest: “A holding service.” *he motions to the coat on his arm* “You know, some place I could leave this?”

Me: “Oh! No, sorry, sir; not here.”

Guest: “Aw, but this coat is heavy!”

Coworker: “Think how we feel carrying our purses around!”

Guest: “Yeah, but you ladies come equipped with something that helps you carry them.”

Me: *without missing a beat, I cheerily chirp back* “So do you. They’re called muscles.”

(A customer comes up to the counter with a novelty mug in a box. The mug has ‘S*** Happens’ on it. It’s all of 10 dollars.)

Customer: “I wanted to buy this and when I picked it up the box nearly fell apart! I almost dropped it and I want you to know that if I had, there’s no way in h*** I would pay for it!”

Me: “I’m sorry the box nearly fell apart. Would you like me to get you another box for it?”

Customer: “No. This is what’s wrong with the world!”  *she slams the mug onto counter and the box goes flying off the counter* “I want nothing to do with your store ever again!”

Me: *unable to contain myself and risking getting fired* “Well, as the mug says…”

Customer: *storms off*

(The theme park I work for is in the process of changing ownership. As a result, all merchandise labelled with the old management name is sold as 60% off clearance in a special tent sale. Despite the sale’s popularity, I usually work alone in the tent. A customer asks me to price check an item. As the register requires us to override and manually enter the discount for each item separately, I prefer to mentally do the math instead.)

Customer: “How much is this?”

Me: *sees the $30 tag* “With the 60% off, it will be $12, sir.”

Customer: “How did you do that?! Did you memorize all the sale prices?!”

Me: “No, I just calculated in my head, sir.”

Customer: *grabs a nearby item* “Well, how much is THIS, then?”

Me: “That’ll be $6, sir.”

(Customer watches me with a flabbergasted expression and thanks me. Ten minutes later at the register:)

Me: *sees the customer bring an armful of items* “Oh, hello again. Did you find everything all right?”

Customer’s Wife: “Honey, are we getting all of these?”

Customer: *to wife* “No, hush.” *to me* “Can you tell me the prices of these items?”

Me: *looks at the line forming behind him* “Yes, of course!”

(I go over each item with him, and as fast as I can, tell him the prices after the discount.)

Me: “Do you want any of these items, sir?”

Customer: *stares at me like I’m crazy* “Of course not.” *walks away and says to his wife* “See, I told you she could do a pretty cool trick!”

(I work in the gift shop at one of Shakespeare’s houses, and we get a lot of silly questions.)

Customer: “Does The Merchant of Venice have another name?”

Me: “It was occasionally called The Jew of Venice a long time ago but nobody calls it that now for obvious reasons.”

Customer: “Well, in the museum there was a list of all the plays and I couldn’t find it on there. Does it have another name? Like a subtitle?”

Me: “Um… no, I’m afraid not. It must have been on there somewhere.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought it might have another name – you know, like how Hamlet gets called Hamlet, Prince of Darkness?”

Me: “You mean, Prince of Denmark?”

Customer: *blank look*

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