Dad Explains Things In Black And White

, , , | Related | June 19, 2017

(A few years back, our local black coal power-plant managed to only coat HALF the village in ash, divided down a freakishly straight line. The damage was minimal — just a few loads of dirtied laundry that were hanging out to dry and things like that. It got a little bit of news coverage locally, so they filmed in the affected areas and talked to a few pedestrians, which were quite hard to find since we live in a village and they filmed while most people were at work. They did, however, find and interview my dad.)

Reporter: “Do you live in the side of the village that was affected by the falling ash?”

Dad: “Yes, I do.”

Reporter: “How bad was the damage for you?”

Dad: “Really bad; I mean, look at the dog. He’s usually white.”

(He indicates our black cocker spaniel. For reasons he still doesn’t understand, his interview wasn’t among the ones that were aired.)

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Avenging Its Spider Brother

, , , | Related | June 16, 2017

(As a child, I was very fond of spiders, and I am still quite fascinated with them. However, when I was about four, one spider was annoyed by me and bit me hard enough to make me bleed, so I am still VERY afraid of spiders of that kind. Unfortunately, those are the most common spiders where I live. Even more unfortunate is the fact that I was watching Netflix and minding my own business when one of these spiders, a huge one at that, decides to run on to my bed and head straight for my head.)

Me: *bloodcurdling scream that lasts for well over a minute while I scramble out of bed, try to get my laptop to safety and my blanket down, because the spider is actually FOLLOWING ME* “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SPIDEEEEEEEEEEER! DIE, DIE, DIE, DIE, DIEEEEEEE!”

(After managing to kill it, I walk down the stairs, followed by my dog, still quite pale and traumatized. My parents are sitting on the couch and staring at me.)

Mum: “If you tell me to go into your room to kill a spider, I hereby remind you that I will never do that.”

Me: “Nah… it’s okay… I got it… I just need some time to calm down…”

(I sit down with them, while my dog, who followed me downstairs and was quite scared by my scream, just looks at me as if she’s worried I’m losing my mind. After calming down for a while, I get myself a new water bottle before heading upstairs, but make a stop to collect my dog from the couch.)

Me: “On a scale of one to ten, though, how was my scream?”

Mum: “Fifteen. Never do that again.”

Me: “I’m not planning on it. I’m going to go to sleep, so goooood niiiiiiiiight,  SPIDEEEEEEEER!”

(Lo and behold, on the floor right in front of me was another spider of the same kind and even bigger than my recently murdered roommate. Although I managed to kill that one too, I was far too freaked out to do anything that involved closing my eyes. My dog seems to hold a grudge against me because I scared her, and I am currently sitting here at 2:07 am and writing this, with all the lights in my room on. So far, no new spiders — but I’ll be watching.)

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The Coworker Has Passed Their Use-By Date

, , | Working | June 16, 2017

Customer: “These sweets, their due date will be in a few days. Can I get a discount on them?”

(They were already discounted by 50% but she wanted more.)

Cashier: “I think so. Let me just speak to my colleague.”

(She calls a coworker over and they discuss for a moment until the coworker takes all the sweets and takes them to the back.)

Customer: “Excuse me, what are you doing? I would like to buy those.”

Coworker: “I am sorry but I have to throw them away.”

Customer: “But they are still good for a few days!”

(The coworker just ignored her and left with all the sweets.)

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Married To Sheldon Cooper, Part 16

, , | Romantic | June 13, 2017

(I’m the idiot in this one. My family often jokes that I’m a true cat person — not just that I like them, but that I’m neurotic like a cat as well. They DO love their routine and tend to get upset with changes. Now, my husband and I have a simple evening routine during the week. He gets ready for bed while I take care of the cats, then I get ready for bed and join him in the bedroom. The timing usually works out perfectly for me to just head into the bathroom once the cats are fed. This night, however…)

Me: *without even looking, opens bathroom door*

Husband: *chuckles* “Not done quite yet.”

Me: *stares unbelievingly* “But… you’re supposed to be in the bedroom by now.”

Husband: “I know. I’m dawdling a bit, but I’ll be out in a minute.”

Me: “But you’re not supposed to be in here anymore!”

Husband: *patiently* “Dear, why don’t you sit down and wait a minute and then it’ll all be as usual.”

Me: “But you don’t understand. We have a routine. You didn’t follow the routine.”

Husband: *sighs and closes bathroom door in my face*

Me: “ROUTINE!”

(What really made my husband break into hysterics was when he was done, he thoughtfully left the bathroom light on for me, only for me to enter the room on autopilot and promptly push the light switch, leaving me in pitch darkness. I’m sure glad he puts up with my weird ways!)

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Don’t Even Starch With Me

, , , | Working | June 11, 2017

(Our office recently switched from Styrofoam to packaging material made out of starch. Even though it looks much like Styrofoam, it’s edible. Also, while the working atmosphere here is generally good, there is one rather lazy woman that has it in for a tomboy who — justifiably — prides herself on her very strong work ethic. In fact, she’s constantly trying to badmouth her.)

Lazy Coworker: “Yesterday I was on my way to meet some friends so I drove by the office and guess who still was here at 8:30 pm. Right, [Hard Working Coworker]?”

Me: “Okay?! Yes, she had an important deadline yesterday. Looks like she finished that project, though.”

Lazy Coworker: “It’s not just yesterday. I mean… [Hard Working Coworker] should get a life already! Some more months and she’ll move in here. She never even goes to lunch break with the rest of us.”

Me: “If you say so. She does good work and that’s what counts, right?”

Lazy Coworker: “Still, doesn’t she—”

(Suddenly said coworker comes through the open door behind our desks. The lazy coworker isn’t sure whether our coworker heard her rant, so she quickly switches her play.)

Lazy Coworker: *deceitfully* “Hey, we were just talking about you. Do you want to grab some food with us? Or should we bring something for you? We were thinking about kebab.”

(Hard Working Coworker grabs a nearby carton of starch packaging material and starts eating it like chips while keeping a straight face. The lazy coworker, who, by the looks of it, doesn’t know it is edible, looks at her in shock.)

Coworker: “No, thank you, but since I’m apparently planning to move in here, I need to make do with what I can find inside the office.”

(She walked away, still eating the packaging material. I immediately burst out laughing. Fortunately, this led the lazy coworker to ignore me for quite some time.)

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