If Only He Knew How Crazy His Request Sounded

, , , | Right | March 16, 2018

(I live in Germany. We have a loyal customer base who always come to us when their American-made motorcycles have any kind of trouble. Some of them think we are omnipotent and can solve any problem over the phone.)

Customer: “My bike is making some strange noise.”

Me: “What kind of noise?”

(Usually I would expect a description of the sound and the general area it comes from on the bike. Instead, I hear the bike start up and the customer revving the engine several times while holding the phone close to it.)

Customer: “Now you heard it. What do you think is wrong?”

(I had to patiently explain that I need to have the bike in the shop to check it out instead of giving him a diagnosis over the phone.)

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How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 32

, , , | Working | March 15, 2018

(Our business has a name that can easily be interpreted as having a single person in charge, even though it specifies that we are, in fact, a company. We do get a lot of telemarketers calling and asking for Mr. [Company]. That person doesn’t exist anymore; the company was founded in the 1920s. Most recover and then ask for the name of the person in charge. This call goes a little differently.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. [Company], please?”

Me: “We don’t have a person like this here; our company only has that name.”

Telemarketer: *trying to be funny* “Sounds like that happens to you a lot, then.”

Me: “It’s usually only people working down a list, with no idea who they actually want to talk to.”

Telemarketer: “And you think that I am one of them?”

Me: “Well, yes. I do.”

Telemarketer: “Do you want to know what I think of you?”

Me: “No, not interested.”

Telemarketer: “I am going to tell you, anyway. I think you are full of prejudice, and that’s no way to treat somebody you know nothing about.”

Me: *not really caring what a stranger thinks about me* “Okay.”

Telemarketer: “Good bye, then.” *hangs up*

Me: *starts laughing, having to explain what happened to my coworkers*

(Guess that counts as a win for me, since he hung up first. He probably would’ve gotten further if he hadn’t tried to be funny and just asked who was the correct person to speak to.)

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 31
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 30
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 29

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Unfiltered Story #107355

| Unfiltered | March 14, 2018

I work in quality management for a well known food retailing chain. Every now and then we have surprise hygiene checks done in the stores. They get their results about two weeks later via email, along with a VERY detailed description of what they need to do in case they didn’t meet our standards. Despite that, calls like this happen A LOT:

Me: Hello, this is quality management speaking, how may I help you?
Store Manager: Yeah, I just received your email with my results and apparently we didn’t meet the standards. What am I supposed to do now?
Me: *Giving advice on possible improvements*
Store Manager: No, I mean, what do I need to DO now?
Me: Oh, uh. Sir, you literally do what the email says. You follow through step 1 to 4.
Sore Manager: Oh, well, I didn’t read the whole thing.
Me: *facepalm*

Cake Beats Pi

, , , , | Related | March 13, 2018

(My brother has struggled with maths all his life, but he always manages to get decent grades through discipline and lots of hard work. In his final years of high school, however, he gets a particularly mean maths teacher who hates students, and thinks they’re all lazy and exist for no other purpose than to make her life miserable. Nearly all of her classes get an average of D or sometimes even F, but it never occurs to her that it might be due to her awful teaching. During my brother’s last few weeks of high school, most teachers play games or watch movies with the students, because all grades are already set, but not this one. One day, my mother and I are in the kitchen, preparing lunch.)

Mother: “[Brother] should be home any minute now, and we just finished cooking! What great timing!”

(Ten minutes pass, no sign of my brother.)

Mother: “I wonder what’s taking him so long? Normally, he’s always on time.”

(Another 15 minutes pass.)

Mother: “I’m starting to get worried. Do you think something happened to him?”

Me: “Relax, Mom. I’m sure he’s just talking with friends or something.”

(After ten more minutes, my mother tries to call him, but he doesn’t answer his phone. She’s really worried by now. But then, my brother shows up, carrying several large boxes.)

Mother: “[Brother]! Where were you?! I was so worried!”

Brother: *smiling gleefully* “I went to the bakery! Today was my last lesson ever with Mrs. [Teacher]! I bought cake for everyone; let’s celebrate!”

(He had bought three whole cakes, enough for the whole family and neighborhood, so we ended up throwing a huge No Mrs.[Teacher] Party and had still cake for the next three days.)

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Once You’ve Delivered It You Can’t Un-Deliver It

, , | Right | March 9, 2018

(I’m working customer service for an online store. We ship our parcels by a third-party delivery service called Hermes. I explain this to a customer. I get the following response:)

Customer: “Fine, then deliver the goods by Herpes. Thank you.”

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