Making Yourself The Winner Every Time

, , , | Working | August 28, 2017

(For a period of time, I keep getting repeated phone calls from gambling companies. They tell me that I have participated but won nothing, so they want to put me into a special drawing with a higher chance, or that my participation is about to end and I need to choose to continue or drop out. Note that I have never participated in anything. I get tired of this and start to mess with them. Note that I usually recognize them by their phone numbers.)

Me: “[Lottery] customer care, my name is David, how can I help you?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Gambling Company], am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “No, this is David from [Lottery] customer care. Are you inquiring about our new program? We guarantee a 90% win chance of at least 100€ if you participate for at least three months at 60€ per month.”

Scammer: *click*



Scammer: *does a standard spiel about me participating and so on*

Me: “First of all, I did not participate in…”

Scammer: “What did you participate in?” *Note that she uses “du”, a personal form of address which is usually reserved for family members and friends.*

Me: “For one thing, I’d appreciate you calling me ‘sie’ (formal form of address which would be appropriate) instead of ‘du’. Also…”

Scammer: “Who cares what I call you, you a**h***? Get lost, you…” *click*

Me: “Oy…”



Scammer: “Greetings, I’m calling on behalf of…”

Me: “SARAH! Is that you?!? Where have you been?!? We’ve been worried sick! You are so grounded, young lady!”

Scammer: “Uh… hello? This is not Sarah, this is…”

Me: “Wait, Michael, is that you?!? I told you I don’t want you around my daughter! She’s only 15! If she is not home within the hour, I will call the police and have your a** arrested for child molestation!”

Scammer: “No, I’m just… f*** this!” *click*



(I decide to try something I read on NotAlwaysRight.)

Me: *in a childish voice* “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello? Who am I talking to?”

Me: “Tommy.”

Scammer: “Hello, Tommy, are your parents home?”

Me: “Daddy’s at work.”

Scammer: “And your mommy?”

Me: “She’s in the bedroom.”

Scammer: “I would like to talk to her.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll get her.”

(I wait for a moment.)

Me: “She’s in the bedroom with Mr. Meier, our neighbor. The door’s locked and they’re making funny noises.”

Scammer: “… call your daddy and tell him. That w**** deserves it!” *click*



Scammer: “Hello, I’m [Name], calling on behalf of [Gambling Company]. Am I talking to [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “Mr. [My Name], I have great news for you! You participated in [Lottery] and your name was drawn! You are eligible for prizes of up to 10 million €!”

Me: “What! Really?!?”

Scammer: “Yes! Isn’t that great?”

Me: “Fantastic!” *holding the phone to the side as if I was shouting to someone else* “Hey, Christina! Guess what! We just won 10 million € in the lottery! Get dressed, we’re going out! And we’re getting that necklace! And the ring! What? Who cares about the price! We’re millionaires now!” *back on the phone* “Man, this is so great! We can finally get a car and move out of this dump! You just made my life!”

Scammer: *click*

The Boss’s Projections Didn’t Pan Out

, , | Working | August 28, 2017

(I work in an architect’s office. It’s my second to last day in the office before leaving. When I told my boss I was going to leave the company to go back to school, he tried to convince me to stay, and even offered me a raise and a permanent position in the company. But since I’m only 20 and I’ve always dreamed of being self-employed, I’m determined to leave while I still don’t have a family to support and so on. I’m still sorting some of the last things out when my boss comes into my office with three full binders.)

Boss: “Hey, [My Name], I was wondering whether you’d like to start [Important New Project]?”

Me: “Sure, I could. But you do realize tomorrow is my last day right? This task could take three to four weeks, and if I start it’d take [Coworker] almost as long to work his way into it as if he just started it himself.”

Boss: “I know. But still. You’re such a perfectionist, and this project is really important. Plus, if you stay overtime I’m willing to pay you off. If you’re going back to school, you’ll be happy you made some extra cash.”

Me: “Okay, if you insist. But let me run it by [Coworker], just so he knows.”

([Boss] leaves, not seeming happy. A few minutes later, before starting, I go to said coworker’s office.)

Me: “Hey, [Boss] wants me to start [Project]. Since I’m leaving tomorrow, you’d have to take over. Are you okay with that?”

Coworker: “Wow, he’s seriously trying to pull this off?!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Coworker: “He thinks he can force you to stay if he takes advantage of your work ethics. I asked him about [Project] a week ago, but he said he wanted you to do it. When I told him that you’ll be leaving soon, he explained to me that he thinks you’d have to stay if he only floods you with some important tasks. Just let me do the project and finish up. Good luck in school, by the way.”

(Needless to say, his strategy didn’t work. I left on time, and in a few weeks I’m starting my own business.)

Not Taking The Quickest Route(r)

, , , | Romantic | August 28, 2017

(I’m doing some writing on my computer, while my husband is in another room, when he calls over…)

Husband: “Hey, can you access the Internet? It’s not working on my phone.”

Me: “Hang on… oh, it seems to be down. Want me to restart the router?” *Said router is right next to my desk.*

Husband: “No! No need! I think I can do a soft reset in the settings somewhere…”

(I decide to wait and see how this plays out and continue my work. After a couple minutes he comes into the room, grumbling to himself, and starts up his own desktop computer. It takes him another ten minutes to access the settings from there and find the right options.)

Husband: “Finally! I don’t like to do this on the phone with the small screen, but now it should… ah yes, see? It’s up and running.”

Me: “…you realize that this took you more than fifteen minutes, and all this time I could have just reached out for the plug without even leaving my chair?”

Husband: “But it worked!”

(The kicker? He works in IT.)

What A Crumby Way To Be Treated

, , | Learning | August 23, 2017

(I grew up in a rural area, where teachers’ behavior tends to be relaxed. Students in the higher years are usually on first name basis with their teachers. However, that doesn’t mean they don’t demand respect. One day, between classes.)

Classmate: *runs up to Teacher while he’s busy talking with a colleague* “[Teacher]! I wanted to tell you—”

Teacher: *cutting him off* “[Classmate], while the cakes are talking, the crumbs get to shut up. Wait your turn.”

Brass Knuckles May Be Fake But Those Brass Balls Are Real

, , , | Friendly | August 22, 2017

(My friends and I are on our way back from a night out. There’s three of us, and we’ve all had a few drinks, although we’re not drunk. However, a random guy decides it’s the perfect opportunity to mug us, right as I’m changing from heels into my normal shoes, so he probably only notices my friend’s boyfriend. Please note that the man has a pocket knife.)

Man: “Money and phone, a**h***.”

(I straighten up, look the guy dead in the eye and push my handbag into my friend’s arms. Among my friends I’m quite famous for having a death glare, but apparently I have cranked it up to new heights.)

Me: “You’d better leave right now or I’ll make sure you’ll get acquainted to your own a**h***. Spines are surprisingly flexible when you break them several times.”

(While saying that, in the most icy and calm voice I have ever achieved, I nonchalantly put on some fake, but real-looking brass knuckles that are still in my coat from a play I took part in. For about three seconds, the dude and I just stare at each other, then I shrug, smile, and take a step forward to raise my fist. And he RUNS faster than I’ve ever seen anyone run. My friends just stare at me for a moment.)

Friend: “S***. I knew you were psycho, but not that psycho.”

Boyfriend: “How the f*** did you think it was a good idea to attack a dude with a knife with only brass knuckles?! Do you know martial arts or something?”

Me: “Nope. And those are fake.”

(A few minutes later, I started shaking and the shock kicked in, and I’m pretty sure I actually got hysterical. But my friends still talk about how cool it was when I made a mugger dash. And I actually took up Jiu Jitsu after that. I definitely wouldn’t recommend doing stupid s*** like that to everyone. Had he been a little more courageous, he probably would have stabbed me.)

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