It Doesn’t Take Ein-Stein To Figure Out Why

, , , | Right | September 12, 2017

(Most of the bars at German beer fests actually rent their beer mugs, simply because it’s cheaper to rent 1000 steins for three days than to rent storage for 1000 steins for the whole year… at least as long as fewer than five to ten percent of them are broken or stolen at the beer fest. I’m a cashier at such a bar.)

Customer: “How much does a beer mug cost?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we rent them, so I cannot sell them to you.”

Customer: “So, they are not yours?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

Customer: “Cool. That means that they are free!”

Me: “Wait, what!? No, that means—”

Customer: *interrupting* “—you already said they’re not yours. I’m taking it.”

(Before I could react, the customer vanished into the crowd. This incident, alongside the fact that we lost almost 200 of the mugs that year, was the reason we’ve been charging a deposit for the mugs since the following year. Many customers accused us of trying to steal money that way from them – they did not see the irony – but, what do you know, we only lost 16 steins this year. I wonder why.)

He’s Too Flutter-shy To Buy The Shirt

, , | Related | September 11, 2017

(My brother and I are both in our mid-twenties. We’re browsing in a shop when he spies a “My Little Pony” magazine – he’s a Brony all right, but rather shy about it. He really wants that magazine, but doesn’t dare buy it. I offer to buy it for him and go to check out while he waits near the exit, but all through the transaction the cashier seems to struggle not to laugh. A bit later we’re sitting down outside on a bench when it suddenly dawns on me.)

Me: “[Brother], I don’t think the lady in the shop believed that I bought that magazine for myself.”

Brother: “Huh? Why not? You’re a girl!”

Me: “Yeah, but you’re the one wearing a Fluttershy t-shirt…”

Peppered With Translation Errors

, , , | Right | September 8, 2017

(We’ve just got in from our flight, and all we want to do is crash. Unfortunately, we’re also hungry. I look up a pizza place just down the street.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hallo. Können wir bitte ein Pizza haben?” *Hello. Can we please have a pizza?*

Pizza Man: *rapidly talks German but I catch the words, “Which kind?”*

Me: “Haben Sie Peperoni Pizza?” *Do you have pepperoni?*

Pizza Man: “Ja. Wie groß?” *Yes. How big?*

(The rest of the order goes okay, and I basically understand everything he says. When the pizza comes, however, it is not pepperoni. It has onions and peppers, and looks nothing like pepperoni pizza! I try talking to the guy, but we can’t seem to understand each other.)

Me: *thinking* “I’ll accept the pizza; it shouldn’t be that bad.”

(My mouth is on fire the rest of the night. I call my German mother to ask why this happened. She laughs at me for a solid minute.)

Mum: “I did the same thing when I was 13! I had just finished my stay in America, and I missed the pizza there. I asked the waitress for a pepperoni pizza. She was like, ‘Are you sure?’ She was so insistent, but I really wanted that pizza.”

Me: “So, you got a pepper pizza?”

Mum: “Yup! It was so spicy! You want salami pizza, dear. It’s a little saltier and less spicy than pepperoni, but it’s basically the same thing.”

Me: “Thank you so much!”

(I eventually learned to love German pizza, especially curry pizza, but I’ll never forget that first one!)

Loyalty Is Not Its Own Reward

, , , | Right | September 7, 2017

(We offer loyalty cards where customers collect points for hot beverages and bread. Twelve points equal one free beverage/bread. In addition to that, all transactions on those cards are counted. From time to time, the computer will choose that a transaction will be free for the customer, if a card is used and has enough transactions on it. We have no influence on those decisions, and cannot see or calculate when the next one will be free. My customer is a sweet old lady, who has taken almost five minutes to check the prices of the sandwiches we offer.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “I’ll take a small coffee and one of those cheese sandwiches, please.”

Me: “Sure! That will be [amount]. Do you have a loyalty card with us?”

(I put her coffee and sandwich on the tray before her and take her money and card. When I slide her card, the register tells me this transaction will be free.)

Me: “Oh, seems like I don’t need your money today! Both will be on the house today, because we would like to thank you for your loyalty with us!”

Customer: “Oh! Okay, can I take a [more expensive sandwich] instead, then?”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t; it’s already in the register.”

Customer: “Oh, no problem. But I said egg, not cheese!” *The sandwich with eggs is more expensive than cheese.*

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I’ll switch that out for you!”

(I do so, and the customer happily goes her way.)

Me: *to the next customer* “Did she really say egg? I could swear she said cheese.”

Next Customer: “She said cheese. Some people just can’t get enough…”

Smartphones Are Really Exploding Right Now

, , | Related | September 6, 2017

(One member of my family is not so smartphone-inclined. She works a computer well enough, but she can’t seem to figure out my phone, which is the same brand as a certain phone that has had issues with exploding batteries. My phone’s battery is fine, except that it drains quickly. We’re leaving soon. I have been playing a match-three game, which shoots fireworks after you win, while my family member is in the shower)

Me: “Hold my phone while I put on shoes? After it’s done exploding, I can turn it off.”

Family Member: *gets wide eyes and looks like she is thinking of throwing it*

Me: “Not that way! I meant the screen. See the cartoon fireworks?”

Family Member: *relieved* “Oh, okay. I thought it was that phone the airplane always asks about.”

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