Customers putting things where they don’t belong annoys me, so I collect them and put them back. We have a small shelf for vacuum cleaner bags. On top of that lies a catalogue. A customer is standing in front of the shelf and comparing his make and model in the catalogue to the one on his cell phone. He puts away the catalogue and looks frustrated. I walk up to him.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, do you need assistance?”

He denies it at first but then makes me have a look at the picture of his vacuum cleaner on his phone. We both open the catalogue and identify his bag and he finds it on the shelf.

Me: “Wow, you would have found it without help. There should be more people like you!”

Customer: “Oh, there will be, look!”

He swipes on his cell phone and finds some beautiful black and white pictures of a pregnant woman.

Customer: “This is my missus!”

I congratulate him on that, as well.

Me: “Before we looked up in the catalogue, you looked frustrated. Why didn’t you ask me in the first place?”

Customer: “Well, from the look of it, you had other things to do.”

Me: “Once more, there should be more customers like you!”

I went to Germany for work-related purposes and ended up falling in love with and marrying a girl who had a very charming eight-year-old daughter.

My birthday came along, and my wife bought me a Playstation 2. In this boxed set, it included a karaoke game and a pair of microphones. Upon my unwrapping of the gift, the little girl’s face lit up and she begged me to let her play with it. As it turned out, singing, dancing, and talent shows were her ultimate passion.

That child loved that karaoke game — to the point where I ironically ended up just putting the console in her room and even more ironically would have to ask her from time to time if I could play my game! Otherwise, you would constantly hear her (along with her cousin) singing her heart out all throughout the day. I bought her a few more karaoke-related games, and it made her all the happier.

One day, I was babysitting her and her cousin. They set up a little “talent show” in our living room and asked me to watch their performance. I gladly obliged.

With bright glowing smiles — and neither one of them understanding a single word of English — they started the song and began passionately performing The Pussycat Dolls’ “Buttons”. If you are not familiar with that song, Google the lyrics.

And then, picture two eight-year-old girls singing that in front of a grown man while he turns four shades of red and begs them to switch the track to something else. What made it even funnier was how mortified they looked when I ended up interrupting the performance, and when they asked, “Do we sound that bad?”

I’m nineteen, and I’ve been working in a public library for about half a year. It’s one of my first shifts alone at the reference desk. A regular who looks to be in his mid-fifties to early sixties approaches me, so I put on my friendly customer smile.

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Regular: “Yeah, I think I have to make a complaint.”

Me: “Oh, no, what happened?”

Regular: *Grinning smugly* “You stole my heart…”

I didn’t know how to react at this point and just laughed it off, but his comment made me really uncomfortable. Later, I told my coworker about it. She all but dragged me into my boss’s office. My boss was equally furious and promised to kick the regular out if he ever so much as looked at me wrong. Luckily, I haven’t seen him since.

My daughter was about two and a half years old. We were in Bavaria on holiday and I took her to a nearby town for a bit of a stroll and window-shopping. We came across one of those very expensive dolly shops for collectors. Everything was just beautiful, a paradise for children, but none of the items were for children. Ridiculous as it sounds, all those wonderful dolls, clothes, little dollhouses, and carriages were for the adults to buy and stare at while dusting them.

The shop assistant was watching with horror as the only child in a toy shop was squealing with delight, pointing at various pieces she loved. I didn’t let her touch them. I didn’t want her to break any of them, but surely she was allowed to admire them?

Suddenly, she threw herself on the ground and started crawling forward on her belly.

Me: “What are you doing there, sweetie?”

Daughter: “I’m a snail, Mum, and I’m trying to get around the shop!”

The shop assistant was apoplectic while people were watching her with a smile. I just put down the two little figures I wanted to buy her as a memory and we left. The shop assistant probably fainted with relief when we were gone, leaving him with his distinguished clientele.

I’ve been wanting to switch phone providers for years since mine does very sketchy business. They are the people that call you even though you are on their do-not-call list, and if you don’t utter the word “no”, you’re paying for something. Unfortunately, they are incredibly cheap, so I had to stick with them for a while. I am non-confrontational, but with these folks, I have learned to stand my ground a little more.

I am looking at options to get a new contract but end up considering getting my current contract renewed — like I said: incredibly cheap — and after ruling out many other options, I finally find an offer on their website that I like, so I call them. I have to call three times since I have a specific question no one can answer and they apparently cannot redirect the call. (BUT, they can ask me to review the service they gave on the call.)

Finally, I end up with someone in the renewal department.

Me: “I would like [offer #1].”

Representative: “We don’t have that.”

Me: “But I’m looking at it on your website right now!”

Representative: “No, we don’t have that option.”

I realise that she can’t see it on her end because technically, I can’t switch to that contract since it is cheaper and considered a downgrade, which they don’t offer. I now also realise something else: last time I renewed my contract, they offered me a great discount to get me the deal I wanted, making me essentially pay only 15€ for a 20€ contract. Now I get why. They basically upsold me so I couldn’t downgrade below 20€. I was considering simply getting a new contract altogether, but since I am now speaking with a renewal person, I would have to call AGAIN to get a new contract.

Me: “Oh, so you offer that option only for new customers?”

Representative: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, what about [offer #2]? It says here on your website that it’s 12€ for [service].”

Representative: “No, that’s before tax.”

Me: “What?”

Representative: “That is before tax; it would end up being about 17€.”

Mind you, that would be false advertising and therefore illegal. She’s clearly lying to get me to sign something more expensive. I have to stop myself from laughing while also hardly being able to believe what I hear. She then also tries some other tricks.

Me: “So, I could get [offer #1] if I got a new contract?”

Representative: “Yes, but with all the fees included, a new contract would come to 130€.”

That’s another lie. Even with maximum 40€ for connecting services and maximum 8,50€ for keeping your number, it would still be below 50€.

I’m done with this.

Me: “All right, I’m gonna reconsider and call when I know what I need.”

Representative: “But I have a 200€ bonus waiting for you if you sign today! Otherwise, it’s lost!”

Me: “Yes, I am aware. Goodbye.”

I thought about whether or not to report this somewhere but I didn’t know where and I’ll bet the call was conveniently not randomly recorded, anyway. But in the end, this was the audacity I needed to finally look for another option. So, after eight years of feeling disgusting for doing business with them, I had a good laugh and left. The irony: this representative really made a customer happy — though not the way she intended to!