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At Least They Enjoyed The Spew

, , , , , | Right | April 27, 2010

(I’m doing exit greetings to the leaving guests and a woman walks out with her son.)

Woman: “Just to let you know, my son threw up in there.”

Me: “Oh… okay, ma’am. Thanks for letting me know.”

Woman: “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I pushed most of it under the seat anyway.”


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And They Wonder Why We Charge By The Hour

, , , | Right | March 3, 2010

Me: “Good afternoon. Thank you for calling [Software Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m having trouble with my software.”

Me: “Okay. What’s the issue?”

Customer: “My data is gone.”

Me: “When you say gone, what do you mean exactly?”

Customer: “Well, when I open up my [Database] my data is incorrect or missing.”

Me: “Okay. There are a few tests that we can run on your data to see if we can pin-point the problem.”

(I walk the customer through the steps of running the data test.)

Customer: “The test is finished. It says, 11,383 data errors were found.”

Me: “11,383?!”

Customer: “Is that bad?”


This story is part of our Terrible Tech Support Calls roundup!

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Male To Female Adapter

, , , , , , | Right | March 2, 2010

Me: “Hi, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Um… I need some…” *whispers* “…tampons?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Some tampons, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I think you have the wrong store.”

Customer: “No, I don’t. My husband told me to come here and get them!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We don’t sell those here.”

Customer: “But you have to. He said he got some here last week.”

(I realize she probably means tapcons, which are masonry screws.)

Me: “Do you mean tapcons?”

Customer: “Yeah, that could be it. I don’t know why he told me to get tampons. That doesn’t make any sense.”


This story is part of our Tongue-Tied Customers roundup!

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Purell-y Out Of His Mind

, , , , | Right | February 19, 2010

Customer: “Mmm, it smells great in here! I sure do love the coffee here at [Coffee Shop]!”

Me: “Well, I’m glad! Would you like a coffee, then?”

Customer: “So tell me, how do you brew your coffee here? Is this your coffee making machine?”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

Customer: “Tell me, young woman, how does this machine work? How do you clean it?”

Me: “Well, we put coffee in these baskets, and it brews into these pots. We clean them with–”

Customer: “Because, see, I have a fantastic business idea for you! It will be a great investment opportunity, a revolutionary way to brew coffee! I will share stock with you, if you help me!”

Me: “Sir, if you have a suggestion, your best bet would be to submit it to [Company Website]. I don’t control what equipment we use or how we brew coffee. Can I get you a drink?”

Customer: “Because, see, I love coffee! But my clothes are never clean! And you know that sanitizer stuff… what’s it called… Purell?”

Me: “Uhh… I guess.”

Customer: “Right! So, see… what you need to do is put the Purell in the coffee and then brew it. Then, when I drink the coffee, it will be sanitized, and when the coffee seeps out my pores, it will clean my clothes while I am wearing them! It is revolutionary!”

Me: “Sir, again, I don’t control operations here, so you need to submit this idea to our corporate office. I can’t help you.”

Customer: “It will save so much time! I have a whole system worked out. I call it ‘Pizazz.’ Would you like to be a shareholder with me? We will make so much money!”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Customer: “PIZAZZ! Don’t you get it? Pores. Clothes. Cleaning! Would anybody else that works here like to buy stock?”

Me: “Sir, I doubt it.”

Customer: “Okay, thank you so very much for your time. It will be a revolution! You are beautiful!” *wanders out the door, still rambling about his big idea*


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She Has ‘Trouble’ Written All Over Her

, , , , , | Right | February 18, 2010

Customer: “Yeah, I want to see about getting a tattoo. Can you guys do that?”

Me:  “Sure. Do you have something in particular in mind?”

Customer:  “I don’t know? Something pretty?”

Me: “Like a butterfly? A flower?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a word or something? Something that means something?  Do you have a book of words and what they mean?”

Me:  “You mean like… a dictionary?”


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