(I work at a pizza place. I take a call. I’m not sure if the caller is drunk or high, but there is no getting through to him!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant] on [Street]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?

Caller: “Yes, I have a coupon for the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir.” *verifying this is a delivery and getting the address* “What would you like on that?”

Caller: “That’s what I want. The ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and what toppings would you like on that pizza?”

Caller: “That’s what I want, the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a pizza; that’s our slogan.”

Caller: “Okay.”

Me: “What would you like on your pizza?”

Caller: “I want the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, but that’s not a pizza; that’s our slogan. What would you like on your pizza?”

Caller: “Yes, I want the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Sir, what does the coupon say?”

Caller: “It says a large three-topping ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza for [amount].”

Me: “All right, sir, and what three toppings would you like?”

Caller: “I want [three toppings], and I want a cheesy bread and a two-liter drink.”

Me: “All right, sir, your total is [total].”

Caller: “Why is it so much? The coupon is for [price on coupon]!”

Me: “Yes, sir; the coupon is only good for the pizza. The cheesy bread is [amount], the two-liter drink is [amount], and the delivery fee is [amount].”

Caller: “Oh, okay.”

(Some people shouldn’t be allowed access to phones, or be left alone without intelligent adult supervision.)

(My seventh-grade biology teacher is a crazy guy who owns snakes and turtles and brings them to school. One day he tells us he has a surprise for us.)

Teacher: “In the state of Georgia, it is illegal to own venomous snakes and venomous lizards. However, in Tennessee, it is only illegal to own venomous snakes.” *goes into closet* “So, here is my Gila Monster, his name is Harry.”

(He had protective wear and only let us touch his tail, but it was so crazy to see how calm he was with this lizard… I mean Harry.)

(There is one coworker that everyone finds annoying. He often talks continuously about subjects no one is interested in, and he’s proven to be grossly incompetent at tasks around the theater. He’s alienated the entire staff, especially the girls, and no one likes to deal with him. It’s the end of the night shift and I have been home for hours when I receive a message from another coworker.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Annoying Coworker] got fired! Enjoy!”

(I check around with some other coworkers. Seems he was working in the box office when he called a heavyset black woman “Precious,” and she started crying. The manager on duty fired him on the spot. The next morning I’m walking to work when I run into the manager, who’s also on his way to the theater.)

Manager: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Me: “Doing all right… So… ‘Precious,’ huh?”

Manager: “Oh, God, that! Yeah. He crossed the line. I had to let him go. It seemed like he didn’t realize why everyone was upset with him. I felt bad for that lady, too. I thought she was going to slug him.”

(We continued talking about it on the way to the theater. The guy actually came back and tried go to work like nothing had happened. The manager ended up yelling at him to get out. Some people just can’t take a hint.)

(The following takes place via text.)

Me: “I just got attacked by a bag of key limes. Can I bring a key lime pie to Thanksgiving?”

Sister: “Sure! We love pie! You still bringing squash casserole?”

Me: “Yep. But I also need to show these key limes who’s boss, by slaughtering some of them in retaliation for this unprovoked attack.”

Sister: “Right on!”

(I’m in the toy section, going up and down aisles. An associate approaches.)

Associate: “Hi, do you need help finding anything today?”

Me: “Yes, actually. I need a motion-activated toy that makes noise.”

Associate: “What?”

Me: “Yes. I was looking for a spy toy, but a doll or whatever would do just as well.”

Associate: “Um… a toy that does make noise when someone walks by?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Associate: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh, it’s for my cat.”

Associate: *stares blankly*

Me: “He’s skittish and keeps peeing in the corner, so I’m going to put a motion-sensor toy over there so that every time he goes into the corner, it will scare him off.”

Associate: *realization dawning that I must be a crazy person* “Oooh! Well, we’ve got these dolls over here.”