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What If The Duck Wanted Some Wings?

, , , , , , | Right | November 20, 2021

I’m ordering inside. I can hear an employee talking to the drive-thru through an intercom.

Employee: “Hi, welcome to [Chain]. What can I get you today?”

Intercom: *Quacking noise*

Employee: “Can you repeat that?”

Intercom: *Quacking noise*

Employee: “Hey, [Boss], intercom’s busted again. It’s just making duck noises.”

Boss: “It was just working fine. Let me see what’s—”

He leans his head all the way out the window.

Boss: “Hey, you! Quit holding up the line and let that duck go!”

Two kids ran away laughing, one holding a quacking duck under her arm.

Go To Bed Before Your Brain Blows

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 15, 2021

My husband and I have both been playing on our computers before bed. I go into his office to say goodnight. 

Me: “All right, babe, I’m heading on to bed because I’m falling asleep trying to read this webcomic. I love you! Goodnight!”

Husband: “I’m almost done here. Should be five minutes or so and I’ll join you.”

Me: “Awesome.”

As I walk out the door, I notice he still has a scented candle lit. As he often forgets such things, I begin to lean forward to blow the candle out. Before I can complete the motion, my husband speaks. 

Husband: “Kiss?”

I turn towards him, but instead of kissing him, I blow forcefully on his mouth!

Husband: “What. Wait. Why?!”

Me: *Laughing uproariously* “I was about to blow out the candle when you said, ‘Kiss?’ and so I just… blew in your face, instead! I’m so sorry! You are not a candle!”

Husband: “Yeah, you do definitely need to head on to bed! Don’t worry, babe. I’ve got the candle.”

He did not, in fact, remember to blow the candle out! Thankfully, nothing caught fire overnight, and his office did smell wonderful the next day.

Endive Dive Dive!

, , , , , , | Right | November 9, 2021

Customer: “Hey, do y’all have that… What’s the lettuce that sounds like a submarine?”

Employee #1: “Like a submarine? Uh… oh! There’s Bibb lettuce right here.”

Customer: “No, no, sorry… It’s not lettuce. It’s a kind of leafy green, but I just can’t get the name. It sounds like a submarine.”

Employee #2: “Right here. Arugula.”

Customer: “That’s what it’s called, thanks!”

Employee #1: *After the customer leaves* “Wow, I would never have gotten that. He said submarine and I was like…” *making a face like a fish and pretending to blow bubbles* “…bibb, bibb, bibb!”

Employee #2: “No, it’s…” *imitating a klaxon* “…ah-ROOOO-gula.”

Now Hiring: Supervisor Of Everything

, , , , | Right | November 9, 2021

I work with an agency that helps people get set up with Medicaid/Medicare, disability, etc. Since the world shut down, for the last year, I have been stationed at a reception desk in an empty office building, answering the phone and transferring callers to the department or employee requested — similar to a phone operator.

The phone rings.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I direct your call?”

Caller: “Supervisor.”

Me: “Supervisor of what department?”

Caller: “The supervisor of everything!”

Me: “Is this regarding Medicaid or disability? Or is it something else?”

Caller: *Exasperated* “Send me to the supervisor of Medicaid!”

Listening Is Not Their Calling

, , , , , | Right | November 8, 2021

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I direct your call?”

Silence.

Me: “Hello? This is [My Company].”

Caller: “Hello? Who is this? Is this [Medical Billing Company]?”

Me: “No, sir. This is [My Company]. We are one number off from [Medical Billing Company]. Do you need their number?”

Nine times out of ten, the next response is, “Oh, yes, please.” Not this time.

Caller: “I received this bill. It says, ‘[Medical Billing Company] Billing Statement.’ I’ve paid it off, but you guys keep sending it to me. What’s going on?”

Me: “We are not affiliated with [Medical Billing Company]. [My Company] does not send out bills. You will need to call [Medical Billing Company]. Do you need their number?”

Caller: *Aggressively* “Well, it should be on the letter here, don’t you think? I’ve got it. That’s what I called.”

Me: “You have reached [My Company]. You want [Medical Billing Company]. Their number is [number]. We cannot help you with your bill; we are not affiliated with them.”

Caller: “That’s the same number I’ve got! I’m in the right place! Why are you guys still billing me?”

Me: “Sir, you have reached [My Company’s number, emphasis on incorrect digit]. You want [correct number, emphasis on correct digit]. That is [Medical Billing Company]. You will need to call [correct number]. I cannot help you.”

Click.