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It Really Isn’t The Next Best Thing

, , , , , | Right | June 22, 2020

This takes place at the meat counter.

Customer: “I’m looking for vegan pork.”

Employee: “Is that a tofu product? Check the first refrigerated aisle to your left.”

Customer: “No, no… I want pork, but pork that’s vegan.”

Employee: “Yeah, like tofu, but like pork? It’s that refrigerated aisle, over—”

Customer: “No! I’m not vegan. I want the pork to be vegan!”

Employee: “So… meat from a vegan pig?”

Customer: “Exactly! I can’t stand being vegan, but it seems like the next best thing!”

Put Some Pep In Your Step

, , , , , , , | Right | June 22, 2020

The small local grocery store used to open at 8:00 but now opens at 6:30 for a ninety-minute senior-only shopping period. I show up around 8:15 and run into an employee I know.

Me: “Hey, [Employee].”

The employee yawns.

Me: “Senior hours going well, then?”

Later, when I get home, I realize that I forgot some essentials, so I return the next morning and see the same employee and the owner.

Me: “Hey, [Employee], how are y–”

Employee:Goooooood morning, [My Name]! Lovely day!”

She literally dances off. I see the owner shaking his head.

Owner: “Yesterday, half of [Neighborhood]’s retirees showed up and every single one commented on how everyone needs their beauty sleep. I heard the phrase ‘buck up’ a dozen times when someone yawned.”

He sighs and points to a trash can overflowing with paper cups from a local cafe.

Owner: “[Local Cafe] decided to do a seniors hour, too. So a dozen grandmas bought coffee for the entire store. They keep the economy going, they keep my employees awake, but they don’t have to deal with the consequences!”


This story is included in our Feel-Good roundup for June 2020!

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Desperate Times Call For Quick Responses

, , , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2020

During the recent health crisis, my husband has to drop off some packages at the post office. He takes our ten-month-old daughter with him since I am at work. A woman towards the front of the line sees him.

Old Lady: *To her daughter* “I can’t believe he brought a baby out during this! What is he thinking?”

Husband: “Next time, I’ll just leave her in the car!”

The woman quietly finished her transaction and avoided looking at him as she left, but the usually stern postal employee chuckled.

These Directions Are Worth Peanuts

, , , , | Right | June 7, 2020

About thirty minutes before my shift ends, a gentleman walks up to the counter.

Customer: “Do you live locally?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Customer: “I have a question.”

Me: “Sure, what is it?”

Customer: “I want to see the peanut trees.”

Me: *Laughing* “Peanuts actually grow underground, like potatoes.”

Customer: “You’re being rude! Please tell me where I can see the peanut trees!”

This conversation goes on for a few minutes. Finally, frustrated, I look at my watch and think, “Cool, I get off in a few minutes. Let’s see where I can take him. I give him directions, making sure that, by the time he ends up at the final location, I will have gone home. He thanks me for finally telling him.

The next day my boss calls me into the office.

Boss: “Did you give some dude directions to peanut trees?”

Me: *Laughing* “Yes, why?”

Boss: “After you left, he came back and was cussing mad that you gave him bad directions. I also gave him a set of directions to the local tourist office to let them handle it.”

We never saw the peanut tree hunter again as far as we knew.

Pepperonono

, , , , | Right | June 1, 2020

We receive a call-in order.

Customer: “I want one of your medium pizzas.”

Me: “Yes, sir. What would you like on it? Or just cheese?”

Customer: “Pepperoni.”

Me: “All right, I have you down for a medium pepperoni pizza.”

Customer: “And cheese!”

Having had similar conversations like this before, and assuming incorrectly, I attempt to clarify.

Me: “A medium pizza with cheese and pepperoni. Did you want half cheese, half pepperoni, or a cheese pizza with pepperoni on the entire thing?”

Customer: “Is that how y’all do it?”

Me: “All of our pizzas automatically come with cheese. Did you want pepperoni on half of the pizza, or on the whole pizza?”

Customer: “You can put the pepperoni under the cheese or on top; it doesn’t matter to me.”

I am facepalming, so I try another tactic.

Me: “The medium pizza comes with six slices. Did you want all of them with pepperoni?”

The customer grumbles incoherently. Giving up, I push the order through — pepperoni and cheese on the whole pizza — and let the manager know about the conversation.

Me: “Your total is [amount]. It’ll be ready in about twenty minutes.”

He never picked it up.