Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 7, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”

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Found The Sauce Of His Infidelity

, , , , , | Working | January 17, 2018

(A coworker has just finished making a bucket of pizza sauce. In our store we make sure all product has a sticker listing the expiration date and time. A manager comes to talk with the coworker.)

Manager: “Hey, did you date the sauce?”

(Before [Coworker] can speak, I interject.)

Me: “Nope, he took it to one dinner and figured out they weren’t compatible.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Manager: *to coworker* “I’m going to tell your wife you’re cheating on her with a redhead.”

Me: “A robust, saucy redhead!”

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Your Complaint Is Toothless

, , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

Customer: “I need to speak with a manager.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “I just came and got a pepperoni and cheese pizza, and I could not eat it; I could not chew it.”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry about that. Was it too hard or burnt?”

Customer: “No, ma’am, it was cooked fine, I just don’t have any teeth and could not chew it. What are you going to do about it to fix it?”

Me: “Umm…”

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Not Everyone’s Cup Of C

, , , , , | Right | January 11, 2018

(I’m working at a very well known lingerie store when a man walks up to me.)

Customer: “Hello, I am looking for a bra for my wife, since it is our anniversary.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help! Do you know her bra size?”

Customer: “Um, no, I don’t.”

Me: “Well, do you at least know either the band size or the cup size?”

Customer: “Eh, no, I don’t.” *uses his hands to gesture grabbing his boobs* “I mean, they’re big, but not that big.”

Me: “That sounds like a C-cup. Right this way.”

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An Interesting Case Of A Wandering Case

, , , , | Right | January 10, 2018

(A customer approaches me carrying an iPad in an expensive designer case, neither of which we sell.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I found this in a basket. I really like the case, but do I have to buy the computer, too? I just want the case.”

Me: *fighting off a head-desk moment* “Well, we don’t sell iPads or accessories for them. I think that belongs to another customer.

Customer: “Oh, so, should I leave it with you?”

Me: “Yes.”

(Later, I found the owner’s business cards inside the case, called her, and she came back literally in tears, she was so happy. She wanted to thank the person who “turned it in” and tried to buy it.)

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