Needs To Step Down

, , , , , , | Right | September 26, 2017

(It is a slow day on my shift. There is just one customer, sitting at a table with his food and laptop, when a slightly annoyed-looking man comes in with his two teenage daughters.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Donut Shop]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’ll have a medium hot coffee with cream and sugar.”

Daughter #1: *rather timidly* “I’ll have a maple-frosted donut.”

Daughter #2: “Hmm…”

(She takes some time, about half a minute, looking at the donuts behind me.)

Customer: *turns to [Daughter #2]* “Stop taking so long! You’re wasting the cashier’s time. Make up your mind.” *turning to me* “Sorry it’s taking so long. My daughters can be so problematic.”

(I just stand there and smile, not really knowing what to say.)

Customer: *speaking loudly* “They’ve been nothing but trouble to me and my wife. Always doing bad things behind our backs. You know they almost got us in trouble with the police once?”

(Both girls are now looking nervous and casting their eyes down on the floor. The first one looks scared and second one looks frustrated. I find his statement hard to believe, because they seem like the “good-girl” types, but I say nothing because it’s obvious that he’s annoyed. The customer with the laptop is raising his eyes up to look at them.)

Customer: “Just a bunch of good-for-nothings. So, spit it out, what do you want?” *cuts her off before she can speak* “You know what? She’ll just have a coffee roll, like last time.”

(I ring them up for their purchases. The man pays with his card, I get the donut and coffee roll in a bag and give it to them, but I tell them they’ll have to wait a bit for the hot coffee. The man and second daughter leave to wait in the car, leaving the first daughter to pick up the coffee after it’s finished.)

Me: “Okay, here you go.” *hands her the coffee*

Daughter #1: *takes it, speaks solemnly* “Thanks. Oh, and by the way… he’s my stepfather.”

Me: *in total shock* “Oh…”

(The customer on his laptop perks his head up real fast at this, and we both stare after her as she leaves the shop, wiping roughly at one eye. My coworker comes up from the kitchen, shaking her head.)

Laptop Customer: “I’m gonna bet the ‘police trouble’ they had was either one of the daughters trying to report his sorry a**. I’m only sorry it didn’t work.”

Coworker: “I’m just more appalled that this is the man their mother chose to marry!”

(Whether the man really was their stepfather or not, I have something to say to him: “You are a d*****-bag, and verbally abusing anyone is not cool.”)

Phrasing That Just Pops

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2017

(My roommates and I are hanging out. One goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. There is a small crash.)

Roomie #1: “Who left an open soda on top of the fridge door?!”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Roomie #2: “It wasn’t me.”

Roomie #3: “It was probably [Roomie #4].”

Roomie #1: “It better not have been [Roomie #4]!”

Me: “I’m sure it’s not intentional. Somebody probably just got distracted.”

Roomie #1: “Yeah, well, they just got distracted ALL OVER MY PANTS!”

Roomies #2-#4: *burst out laughing*

Me: “Phrasing!”

Roomie #1: “Now I’m all sticky!”

Roomie #2: *literally falls off of the sofa*

They Don’t Play For Your Team In This Bar

, , , , , | Romantic | September 20, 2017

(I’m at a gay sports bar. I notice one guy that I think is cute, so I go over to talk.)

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Stranger: “Doing all right.”

Me: “Cool. Enjoying yourself?”

Stranger: “Yeah, but there are a lot of dudes here. Is there a good spot nearby to meet chicks?”

Me: *realization sets in* “You’re not from around here, are you?”

Stranger: “No. Why?”

The Consequences Of Freedom

, , , , | Related | September 14, 2017

(My nine-year-old son hates to take a bath and will try every argument to get out of it.)

Son: “Don’t I have any FREEDOM these days?!”

Me: “Sure. You have the freedom to do what I say or suffer the consequences.”

Son: *groans, but goes to get clean*

Up Super Late And Super High

, , , , , | Right | September 12, 2017

(I work at a sandwich shop that specializes in deliveries, in a prominent college town. We receive a phone call around 2:30 am. This is what ensues:)

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Sandwich Shop]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Uhhh. Hey.”

Me: “Hey.”

Caller: “What time do you guys close?”

Me: “We stop taking orders at three am.”

Caller: “Oh, word.”

(Silence.)

Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Caller: “Oh, nothing. I just wanted to see what was up. I might call you guys tomorrow or something.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Caller: “Yeah. I’m about to go to bed. I’m super tired. Goodnight.”

Me: “Uh, cool man. Sleep well.”

Caller: “Thanks, man, you too.”

(We all had a good laugh.)

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