This Lime Cannot Go Unpunished

, , , , , , | Related | November 27, 2017

(The following takes place via text.)

Me: “I just got attacked by a bag of key limes. Can I bring a key lime pie to Thanksgiving?”

Sister: “Sure! We love pie! You still bringing squash casserole?”

Me: “Yep. But I also need to show these key limes who’s boss, by slaughtering some of them in retaliation for this unprovoked attack.”

Sister: “Right on!”

Got The Corner Doll Market Cornered

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2017

(I’m in the toy section, going up and down aisles. An associate approaches.)

Associate: “Hi, do you need help finding anything today?”

Me: “Yes, actually. I need a motion-activated toy that makes noise.”

Associate: “What?”

Me: “Yes. I was looking for a spy toy, but a doll or whatever would do just as well.”

Associate: “Um… a toy that does make noise when someone walks by?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Associate: “Uh…”

Me: “Oh, it’s for my cat.”

Associate: *stares blankly*

Me: “He’s skittish and keeps peeing in the corner, so I’m going to put a motion-sensor toy over there so that every time he goes into the corner, it will scare him off.”

Associate: *realization dawning that I must be a crazy person* “Oooh! Well, we’ve got these dolls over here.”

That Cut Them Down To Size Quickly

, , , , , , , | Right | November 18, 2017

(I am waiting for my order in a popular pizza shop. It is late and very busy. A group of rowdy teenagers have just left with a few pizzas, and one of them storms back in to yell at the cashier.)

Customer: “Hey, b****! You didn’t cut my pizza right!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I am so sorry. I can cut it properly for you.”

Customer: “No, just f****** forget it! You guys suck! You better give me some free cheese bread for all the d*** trouble you put me through! Can’t you do anything right?”

(At this point I see the pizza, and it is just a little bit uncut for one of the slices. I know the girl is only doing this to get some free food. I walk up to her.)

Me: “Do you want some bread?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Tell me how many breads you want. Name any number. How many friends do you have with you?”

Customer: “Um, there are eight of us.”

Me: *to cashier* “Please make me four orders of cheese bread and give me two liters of soda.”

(I pay for the food and hand the girl the receipt.)

Me: “Here. I know what your intentions were. How dare you yell at someone for free food? You’re worse than a beggar. Now, apologize to the nice lady, and take your food when it’s ready. I hope you feel guilty eating it.”

(By this time my order had already come out and the whole shop cheered and clapped. The teenager was red in the face and just stared at her feet the whole time her order was being made.)

Hello Happy!

, , , , , , | Related | November 13, 2017

(My mom is a children’s librarian and is in charge of creating read-along programs for the kids. As she has partial hearing loss, she is not a big music fan, save for her kids’ songs she learns for her programs. I am visiting her at work one day when I see a picture book by Pharrell Williams with the words to his song “Happy.”)

Me: “Hey, Mom, did you see this? I know you’ve heard the song somewhere along the way. That’d be kind of cool for one of your programs!”

(I flip through the book, kind of humming the tune, while my mom tries to place it. She also flips through the book, mulling the idea over.)

Mom: “I don’t know who Pharrell Williams is. Is he popular in today’s music? Would the kids recognize the song?”

Me: *laughing* “I definitely think the kids would recognize the song. And yes, he is pretty popular, or at least some of his songs are. About as well-known as Adele.”

Mom: *blank stare* “Adele? Who’s he?”

Rock Solid Reason For Dismissal

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 13, 2017

(My kindergarten teacher doesn’t like me, probably because I am a bit of a smart-a**, correcting her on math, grammar, and seasons. Each student in the class has brought in a bag of rocks from our neighborhoods as homework. I am partnered with a boy in my class to talk about our selections.)

Me: ”These rocks are really hard. See?”

(I tap the bag on the kid’s head, not too hard.)

Partner: “Ow. Those are hard.” *continues eating snack*

(Then, my teacher proceeds to call me inside. She takes me to the reading corner, the one spot of the room that can be completely counted on to not be reached by security cameras. She then hits me over the head with the rocks so hard that I’m surprised I don’t get a concussion.)

Teacher: “Did you like that?”

Me: “No! I’m sorry! Please don’t do that again!”

(She then emailed my mom and let her know what happened. She never mentioned how she punished me, probably because physical punishment is illegal in my state’s schools. I didn’t tell my parents what really happened until about third grade because I thought it was my fault. She was retired by then, but if I had told my parents a bit sooner, we would’ve taken it to court and probably sued her.)

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