Use The Will Money To Buy A Volkswagen

, , , , | Related | August 7, 2017

(I am looking into buying my first car which, for some reason, has become the talk of my family. I am leaning towards the German cars because I like their design which is upsetting my great-grandfather. I get a phone call from him one morning before I leave for school.)

Great-Grandfather: “If you get a German car, I will write you out of my will.”

(And this is why I currently own a Ford.)

Seoul Trek

, , , , | Related | July 13, 2017

(I was talking with my sister and some friends one day and somehow the conversation turned to the countries of North and South Korea. My sister was trying to think of the Demilitarized Zone, but couldn’t quite get it.)

Sister: “So, if you were to cross over the Neutral Zone…”

Me: “Wouldn’t that put you into Romulan space?”

You Just Lettuce Happen

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2017

(My mom is in the kitchen eating a salad she just made and I am sitting at the counter a few feet away. My brother walks in just as my mom tilts the bowl, stabs a piece of lettuce, and spills the salad all over the floor, startling everyone with the clatter of the fork.)

Brother: “What happened?!”

Mom: “I tossed my salad!” *proceeds to crack up*

Periodically Interrupted Again

, , , , | Romantic | July 1, 2017

(I am the author of this story – in which my female friends and family members and I will suddenly start talking about periods when a man is around, to make them leave when we want privacy. I am on the phone with a close relative in another state about time-sensitive travel plans and my husband keeps interrupting with things unrelated; worse, when I ask him to give me a few minutes on the phone, he starts pantomiming stuff he wants to say.)

Me: *into the phone* “So, [Husband] and I are thinking about trying to have a baby; I haven’t had a period in years, since having the IUD put in, but if I have it removed, that will start up…”

Husband: *gives me a funny look, walks out*

Me: *into the phone* “So sorry about that, hon.”

(We finish our conversation, hang up, and I go to find husband.)

Husband: “It’s a code, isn’t it? I didn’t catch it when it was you and Sis, but you start talking about REALLY private stuff when you are trying to get rid of me!”

Me: *burst out laughing* “What gave me away?”

Husband: *also laughing* “You were talking about your period, but I couldn’t hear [Relative]; your medical stuff is never an issue for me to talk about, but it just clicked that I hear about periods in your conversations with other people WAY more than in conversations we have.”

Me: “So, unless it’s something urgent, will you stop interrupting when I’m on the phone or having a talking to someone?”

Husband: “But, what if I might forget what I was going to say?”

Me: “Write it down?”

Husband: “That… makes a lot of sense, actually. And it means that I’ll never, ever have to hear about your sister’s period. Or your mother’s. Or any other relative or friend’s. Unless they are having some sort of medical problem or something.”

Me: “Exactly!”

Husband: “Deal!”

They Have To Talk Through Every Meal

, , , | Right | June 28, 2017

(I am calling an Internet tech support line, so there is plenty of down time while you reboot. I would have been more chatty but I wanted to see how it played out.)

Tech Support: “Have you had breakfast today?”

Me: “Not yet.”

Tech Support: “Well, you know it is the most important meal of the day.”

Me: “Okay.”

Tech Support: “Well, don’t forget.”

Me: *silence*

(He coughs uncontrollably.)

Tech Support: “You know I have this cold.”

Me: *even more awkward silence*

Tech Support: “My lungs are filling up. Do you have recommendations for a good cold medicine?”

Me: “Nyquil.”

Tech Support: “Why? What does it do?”

Me: “It helps you sleep.”

Tech Support: “Yeah, well, maybe I will call in sick tomorrow. So, it’s been five minutes. Has it rebooted?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s still not working.”

Tech Support: “Let’s try again and check in another five minutes.”

Me: *silence — is he kidding me?*

Tech Support: “Do you know of any other cold medicines?”

Me: “Alka-Seltzer cold. Listen, can you just send tech support out?”

Tech Support: “Sure. I was going to recommend that in a few more minutes. Will you have a good day?”

Me: “Yes, I will.”

Customer: “Well, I will try to get bett—”

Me: *hangs up, cutting him off*

(I figured his job got boring and he felt in the mood for a chat. Later, a friend who is in customer service said they aren’t allowed to be silent for a certain amount of time.)

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