When Larry Met Nobody

, , , , | Working | December 18, 2017

(My boss is an inept person who lacks most skills it takes to run a business. This takes place via text:)

Me: “[Name] called and asked that you call him as soon as possible. He did not leave a phone number.”

Boss: “What’s his phone number?”

The Only Wrong Thing Here Is The Therapy

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 12, 2017

(I am in bad shape after a rough breakup that involved several of my friends “choosing sides” in favor of my ex. This happens not long after my parents’ divorce, and I am also a senior in college with a thieving roommate. I am struggling daily with extreme stress and depression, and on a particularly bad day, I swallow a bunch of pills. A friend takes me to the hospital, where I am informed that my action has triggered some legal thing in which they must send me to a psychiatric unit, that I have no say in the matter, and that my friend must leave. I am horrified, ashamed, and alone. Hours later, after being locked in a dark hospital room, an “intake counselor” comes in and starts asking me questions before I’m taken to the psych unit. I answer him honestly and list all of the factors in the thunderstorm that was my life, including my parents’ divorce, a dear friend moving away, and my fiancé dumping me, and at the end of it all, I say:)

Me: “I just feel so abandoned, like people keep leaving me.”

Counselor: *puts down his pad, looks me straight in the eye* “Well, clearly, there’s something wrong with you.”

Me: “What?”

Counselor: “There’s something wrong with you, or people wouldn’t leave you. Something about you makes them leave.”

Me: *shocked and in tears* “There’s nothing wrong with me; I’m just having a hard time—”

Counselor: *cutting me off* “No. There’s something wrong with you. We’re going to take you to a place where they fix you. Then, this won’t happen anymore. We’re done. They’ll come for you soon.”

(He abruptly left, and I burst into tears, suddenly terrified by whatever this place was they were taking me to and what could be in store for me. The scary place turned out to be a rehab facility, not an electro-shock chamber with “A Clockwork Orange” eye clamps like I imagined, and I was actually able to get some help in dealing with my losses and grief. My friend who took me to the hospital continues to be amazing and helps me sort out things in my life so that I can get healthy. I have never gone back to that dark place, metaphorically or literally. Thankfully, when I told my parents about what the intake counselor said, they furiously called up the clinic. The clinic representative admitted it wasn’t the first time they had received complaints about how he talked to patients. A year later, I heard through my therapist with whom the clinic had placed me that the intake counselor had been let go. I was glad to hear, because his words haunted me, and still do to an extent.)

Ahhthentically Dense

, , , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(I work at a pizza place. I take a call. I’m not sure if the caller is drunk or high, but there is no getting through to him!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant] on [Street]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?

Caller: “Yes, I have a coupon for the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir.” *verifying this is a delivery and getting the address* “What would you like on that?”

Caller: “That’s what I want. The ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and what toppings would you like on that pizza?”

Caller: “That’s what I want, the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a pizza; that’s our slogan.”

Caller: “Okay.”

Me: “What would you like on your pizza?”

Caller: “I want the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, but that’s not a pizza; that’s our slogan. What would you like on your pizza?”

Caller: “Yes, I want the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Sir, what does the coupon say?”

Caller: “It says a large three-topping ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza for [amount].”

Me: “All right, sir, and what three toppings would you like?”

Caller: “I want [three toppings], and I want a cheesy bread and a two-liter drink.”

Me: “All right, sir, your total is [total].”

Caller: “Why is it so much? The coupon is for [price on coupon]!”

Me: “Yes, sir; the coupon is only good for the pizza. The cheesy bread is [amount], the two-liter drink is [amount], and the delivery fee is [amount].”

Caller: “Oh, okay.”

(Some people shouldn’t be allowed access to phones, or be left alone without intelligent adult supervision.)

When Harry Met The Class

, , , , , | Learning | December 8, 2017

(My seventh-grade biology teacher is a crazy guy who owns snakes and turtles and brings them to school. One day he tells us he has a surprise for us.)

Teacher: “In the state of Georgia, it is illegal to own venomous snakes and venomous lizards. However, in Tennessee, it is only illegal to own venomous snakes.” *goes into closet* “So, here is my Gila Monster, his name is Harry.”

(He had protective wear and only let us touch his tail, but it was so crazy to see how calm he was with this lizard… I mean Harry.)

The Day They Left Was Precious

, , , , , , | Working | December 6, 2017

(There is one coworker that everyone finds annoying. He often talks continuously about subjects no one is interested in, and he’s proven to be grossly incompetent at tasks around the theater. He’s alienated the entire staff, especially the girls, and no one likes to deal with him. It’s the end of the night shift and I have been home for hours when I receive a message from another coworker.)

Coworker: “Hey, [Annoying Coworker] got fired! Enjoy!”

(I check around with some other coworkers. Seems he was working in the box office when he called a heavyset black woman “Precious,” and she started crying. The manager on duty fired him on the spot. The next morning I’m walking to work when I run into the manager, who’s also on his way to the theater.)

Manager: “Hey, how’s it going?”

Me: “Doing all right… So… ‘Precious,’ huh?”

Manager: “Oh, God, that! Yeah. He crossed the line. I had to let him go. It seemed like he didn’t realize why everyone was upset with him. I felt bad for that lady, too. I thought she was going to slug him.”

(We continued talking about it on the way to the theater. The guy actually came back and tried go to work like nothing had happened. The manager ended up yelling at him to get out. Some people just can’t take a hint.)

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