My husband and I were talking to each other in Spanish at Home Depot. Another customer walks over to us:

Customer: “How did you both learn Spanish so well?”

Me: “We’re Hispanic. Spanish is our native language.”

Customer: “Oh, really? Wow! I would have sworn you were both white! I’d never have guessed you were Mexican!”

Me: “Uh, we are White. My husband is Dominican, I’m Cuban, and also a citizen of Spain.”

Customer: “You can’t be Hispanic and White!”

Me: “Have you been to Spain?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Well, that’s the country where Spanish came from, and most of the population there is White.”

Customer: “Wait… Spanish is a country?”

My husband rolled his eyes and told me he was going to continue shopping, indicating he didn’t have time to wait around while I gave her a quick history lesson about colonialism and immigration.

Related:
You Mexican’t Be Serious

My parents moved us from Australia to the USA so my dad could work for his tech firm. As a teenager, I moved with them. When I turn sixteen, I get a job stacking shelves in a local supermarket.

Customer: “Can you get that jar down from the top for me?”

Me: “Certainly! Here you go.”

Customer: “Why do you sound funny?”

Me: “If you’re talking about my accent, I’m from Australia.”

Customer: “Do you get paid by NASA to say that?”

Me: “Eh?”

Customer: “Well, Australia isn’t real. NASA pays you to say that.”

I quickly excused myself to get back to what I was doing. The customer complained to the manager to say they had hired a NASA plant designed to spread misinformation.

My friend and I are chilling on the Atlantic City boardwalk, watching the waves roll in, talking about nothing important.

Friend: “Man, we really should visit the right coast more often.”

Me: *Laughs.* “Haha, yeah, and definitely not the wrong coast.”

Friend: “No, I mean the right coast. Instead of the left coast.”

Me: “You mean East and West coast?”

Friend: “No, I mean the right coast, the one we’re looking at right now. It’s the right coast.”

Me: “Well, it’s the East Coast, as East is East regardless of where you’re looking. Left and right… well, aren’t.”

Friend: “Are you stupid? Look at the map! This is the coast that’s on the right!”

Me: “I mean, sure, but… look. I am standing here. What side is the ocean to me?”

Friend: “Right, duh!”

Me: “Okay.”

I do a half-spin.

Me: “How about now?”

Friend: “It’s still the right coast!”

Me: “But it’s to the left of me.”

Friend: “You moved, the coast didn’t! On the map it’s—”

Me: “—Okay, bring out your map app.”

He does so, and he zooms out on it until we can see the entire USA.

Me: “Where are we?”

Friend: “Right here, on the right coa—”

I flip the map upside down.

Friend: “…”

Me: “The map moved this time.”

Friend: “Well… that… that’s stupid too. The map doesn’t flip like that in real life, because if it did, Mexico would be North of us!”

Me: “So you’re saying the cardinal directions themselves can change based on the direction of the map, but your sense of left and right is absolute?”

Friend: “Yeah!”

Me: “D***! Someone better warn the Mexicans, then. It’s about to start snowing in Acapulco!”

I’m a flight attendant on a plane coming into Colorado Springs. I like to pepper my announcements with some ‘fun facts’ as it helps me to learn about places and adds an extra level of service to some of our guests.

Me: “We will shortly be landing in Colorado Springs. Fun fact: Colorado Springs is the highest-elevation city in the USA with a population above 100,000, with an elevation of 6,035 feet, or 1,839 meters!” *I then go into my usual ‘prepare for landing’ spiel.*

As I’m walking toward the front, a passenger gets my attention.

Passenger: “Was that true? That thing you said about Colorado Springs being so high up?”

Me: “You mean the elevation? Yes, it’s true.”

Passenger: “Why didn’t anyone tell me?!”

I think she’s about to mention that she’s extra sensitive to altitude sickness or something, but then:

Passenger: “I’m super scared of heights!”

I’m British, with the accent, working in an office in the USA. We’re sitting at a meeting table a few minutes before a presentation, and some of us coworkers from different floors are catching up.

Coworker: “[My Name]! How have you been?”

Me: “Oh, same old, same old. A few things here and there, but all first-world problems, so it’s all good.”

Another coworker, whom I have not met before, from the same floor as [Coworker], chooses this moment to join in the conversation.

Other Coworker: “It must be nice for you to have made it to America and have first-world problems.”

Me: “Beg your pardon?”

Other Coworker: “First world problems, because you’re in the first world now.”

Me: “I was just using a phrase. I simply meant I have some problems, but none of them are worth getting too concerned about.”

Other Coworker: “Yeah, because you’re in the first world now!”

Coworker: “[Other Coworker], what do you think the first world is?”

Other Coworker: “First world is America, second world is Canada and Europe, and third world is everything else.”

Before I can say anything, the boss arrives, and we settle down for the presentation. [Coworker] leans in and whispers to me:

Coworker: “Don’t worry about that one. Can count the brain cells on one finger.”