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Small Town America

, , , , , , | Right | December 5, 2022

We talk to customers all over the United States.

Me: “May I please have your address?”

Caller: “Oh, I live right behind Arby’s, down the street from the gas station.”

Me: *What I wish I could have said* “Right. We’ll have a technician out to every house in America behind an Arby’s immediately.”

Me: *What I actually said* “Just in case there’s more than one Arby’s, can I get your address, please?”

Caller ID Called Their Bluff

, , , , | Legal | December 1, 2022

My phone rings and the number comes up on my display.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: *In English* “Hello, I’m calling from Europol. Your ID documents are involved in a crime, and in order to avoid criminal charges, I need you to follow my instructions.”

Europol, the European Union Agency for Law Enforcement Cooperation, is headquartered in the Netherlands.

Me: “If you’re from Europol, why are you calling from a German mobile number?”

Caller: *Click*

Strangest scam call ever.

The Only Germ Here Is Stupidity

, , , , , , | Right | November 26, 2022

At the beginning of the global health crisis, I have an elderly woman come in. She is looking at these handcrafted gift boxes, and she suddenly recoils, drops the box, and gasps.

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Customer: “These were made in Vietnam! They have [contagious illness]!”

I stand there absolutely floored for a moment.

Me: “Ma’am, the germs couldn’t survive the trip here. These boxes have been in Canada for months now, anyway. And I, too, was made in Vietnam, so I take offence to that.”

Go Stand On The Beach And Wait

, , , , | Right | November 18, 2022

I run a small shop online for items that I make by hand. At least once every single week, I get messages from customers who think that the US is the only country in the world, even though I clearly state that orders are being shipped from the UK. They always say something along the lines of:

Client: “It’s been five days, where’s my order?”

Needless to say, I have lost my patience several times now and “jokingly” asked if I should fling their package across the ocean.

Well, It Finally Happened

, , , , , , , , | Learning | October 11, 2022

During a summer session at the university I attended, one of the students organized a trip to nearby Lassen Volcanic National Park. The park is at a relatively high elevation, and the organizer did not realize that this meant that, even in late June, much of the snow would still not be melted.

When we attempted to visit the geothermally active area called “Bumpass Hell,” which features mud pots, boiling springs, and fumaroles, we found that the trailhead was inaccessible, blocked by about a foot and a half of snow.

When we returned to the school, we were able to report, in all honesty, “We tried to go to Hell, but it was closed because it had frozen over.”