I lifeguard for the city of Laguna Beach, just south of Los Angeles, when I am home from college during summer. I am chatting with a tourist who is asking about my job when they spot and point to Catalina Island, which is approximately twenty-two miles away.

Tourist: “Wow! Hawaii looks so big from here!”

Me: *Stifling my laughter.* “That’s just a local island. Hawaii is considerably further away.”

Tourist: “So Hawaii is behind that?”

Me: “Technically?”

The tourist thanks me for my time and I go to relieve my coworker.

Coworker: “What did they say that is making you laugh?”

I relay the story.

Coworker: “Yeah I spoke to them earlier. They’re from Arizona and they spotted the glare coming off the houses on Palos Verdes point—” *Approximately fifty miles north.* “—and they said, “Oh geez, look at all that snow on Alaska!” I laughed thinking they were joking, but based on what you just told me I am thinking otherwise.”

I am dropping off my car at a nearby shop to get some cosmetic work done on it. I have asked my grandma, who lives next to me, if she can pick me up at the shop — a twenty-minute drive — and drop me off at the car rental place that’s on the way back. She agreed, and I texted her the address and told her I would call her when she should leave as I didn’t know how long we would have to go over the details before handing off my keys. 

Me: “Hey, I’m almost to the shop; now should be a good time for you to leave.”

Grandma: “I’m already here.”

Me: “Why? I told you I would call you.”

Grandma: “I had to go shopping this morning and figured I would drive straight here, so I’ve been waiting for you for an hour.”

I don’t say anything because I have long given up on her level of crazy and just drive to the shop. I pull in, and… she’s nowhere to be seen. I call her again.

Me: “Where are you?”

Grandma: “I’m at the shop. Where are you?”

Me: “You’re at the wrong address. I’m standing by a sign advertising the business name, so don’t even bother trying to say I’m at the wrong place.”

Grandma: “Well, where is it, then?”

Me: “When you turned onto the road, it was the first turn on the left. I’m right across from the cemetery.”

Five minutes later, she calls me back.

Grandma: “You told me wrong. I drove past the cemetery and didn’t see anything.”

Me: “No, I said across from the cemetery. I’m staring at it now. I’m standing in the middle of the driveway, and you can see me from the road.”

Finally, she pulls in.

Grandma: “You gave me the wrong address. You said it’s 426, but this is 428.”

Me: “No, I didn’t. Google Maps says 426, the mailbox says 426, and the business says 426. You think they all got it wrong, but you somehow know better?”

Grandma: “No, you gave me the wrong address.”

During a brief enrollment at a local community college, I was taking a Spanish class. The professor was originally from Mexico which, for some reason, a lot of his students thought was in South America. (Thank you, Kentucky public schooling.)

Eventually, he got so annoyed by this that he decided to have a whole day devoted to nothing but geography, not just to clear up where Mexico actually was, but a full-on “These are the countries in Asia, these are the countries in Europe” lesson.

When he got to Africa and mentioned Libya, a girl sitting next to me turned to her friend.

Girl: “Hey! Libya! That’s similar to labia! You know, that little dangly thing in your throat!”

I swiftly had to leave to avoid laughing like a hyena.

A woman walks up to the bus I am on while it has stopped for a moment, half-talking on her phone and half-yelling at the driver.

Potential Passenger: “Shirlington?!”

Driver: “This is Shirlington, yes.”

Potential Passenger: “No. You go to Shirlington?

Driver: “You’re… already in Shirlington. Right now.”

Potential Passenger: *Rolling her eyes* “YOU GO TO SHIRLINGTON?!”

Driver: “I… I do. I have. I’m here.”

Potential Passenger: “Thank you!” *Stomps away*

I am showing a customer how to use one of our tablets, and we’re going through a mapping feature. I show him how to zoom out, and he zooms out so far that we start to see the whole country.

Customer: “Huh. Am I in the United States?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Huh. I always thought I was in America.”

Me: “Well, you’re in America, too.”

Customer: “Well, which one is it?! Stop confusing me.”

Me: “I… think that will be impossible, sir.”