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Enough To Make You (Star)Scream

, , , , , , | Romantic | June 28, 2021

I am playing a quiz game with my wife.  

Me: “Who is the leader of the Decepticons?”

Wife: “I don’t know. Evil Optimus Prime. Optimus Crime.”

Revenge Of The Generation Gap

, , , | Right | May 25, 2021

I work at a local game store; we sell card games, board games, comics, and collectibles. A youngish customer comes in; he can’t be older than twenty.

Me: “Hi there, how’s it going? Anything we can help you find today?

Customer: “Hi, you have Star Wars posters?

Me: “Probably! Look on the wall to your right there, and there are more in the bin by that pillar.”

The customer goes off to go look and comes back a few minutes later with a game and its expansion, but no poster.

Me: “You find everything okay?

Customer: “Yeah. You don’t have any older Star Wars posters, do you?

Me: “The oldest we would probably have is something from the original movies.

Customer: “Not something from like, Revenge of the Sith or Attack of the Clones?”

Me: “…”

Those are OLD?!

Making A Stranger’s Day A Little Lighter

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 20, 2021

I’m fourteen years old and going to a convention. I’m going with friends but I’m also quite independent. I’ve made a costume that includes ribbons, but when I get it out at the hotel to steam before the con, I realise I’ve forgotten to seal one of the edges. I seal them by carefully melting the edge of the ribbon to stop it fraying. I also realise I’ve forgotten the lighter Mum gave me that I use to do this, so I decide to head down to the local corner shop and head straight to the counter.

Clerk: “Hi, how can I help?”

Me: “Could I just buy a lighter? I don’t mind what colour.”

The clerk gives me a funny look and a man walks up behind me. Totally oblivious to the funny look, I hold up my ribbon.

Me: “I need to seal this, or it might fray, and my fabric shop doesn’t stock this ribbon anymore.”

Clerk: “Yeah… but you have to be eighteen for me to do sell a lighter to you.”

There’s a really long pause.

Me: *Whispers* “But my ribbon…”

Clerk: “Sorry.”

They don’t really sound sorry. I step out of the store and contemplate my life; naturally, fourteen-year-old me feels that this is a disaster.

Man: “Hey, girl.”

I turn and it’s the man who came up behind me. He’s holding out a lighter.

Man: “Stupid enough not to be a lie, so I bought you one.”

Me: “Ooh! Thank you so much! Really! Thank you! How much do you want?”

Man: *Handing me the lighter* “Don’t worry about it; just sort your costume!”

He heads off and I head back to my hotel. I note that the lighter looks very different from what Mum uses; it’s heavier, generally bigger, and much much easier to use. I don’t think much of it. I fix my ribbon and pack away the lighter. I enjoy the con and head home.

Whilst helping me unpack my stuff, Mum comes across the lighter.

Mum: “How much did you spend on this?!”

Me: “Huh? Oh, a man gave it to me.”

Mum: “What do you mean, a man gave it to you?!”

Me: “I forgot to seal the ribbon and went to buy a new lighter, but the clerk said no. The man behind bought me one instead.”

Mum: “This is a [Brand] lighter. They’re £5!”

Me: “Oh… Is that a lot?”

Mum: “Mine are 50p!”

Thanks, random man who helped a random fourteen-year-old. I still have that lighter fifteen years later.

The Force Sure As Heck Ain’t With Him

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | May 4, 2021

In high school, a group of eight friends and I speak a lot of languages, and we have been translating a certain catchphrase about “being someone’s father” into every language we know together during a free period at school. We decide that we should make a group outing of it to go to see “Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” in theaters, and we decide to go back to my parents’ house to hang out afterward. We are all fifteen, so my parents are driving us from the theater to our house.

My mom drives [Friend #1] who is sitting in the front seat and [Friend #2] who sits behind [Friend #1].

Friend #1: “I mean, I knew he was gonna make the transition to full-on bad guy, but I didn’t expect him to be so whiny about it. It was a fun movie, but he got on my nerves.”

Me: “Well, the emperor was messing with his head pretty hardcore, and he’s always been emotional. [Friend #2], what did you think?”

Friend #2: “I didn’t get it at all. Is there gonna be a sequel?”  

“Star Wars” was released as episodes four, five, and six in the 1970s and ‘80s, and then episodes one, two, and three in the 1990s and 2000s.

[Friend #1] unbuckles his seatbelt and gets on his knees to look directly into [Friend #2]’s face.

Friend #1: “What. Did you just say?”

Friend #2: “Is there gonna be a sequel?”

My mom is laughing so hard she pulls into a parking lot to let the laughter subside before she can drive further. Once we get to the house, [Friend #1] and I tell [Friend #2]’s twin sister what he said. She looks at her brother like he’s grown a second head.

Twin Sister: “[Friend #2’s Full Name], we watched all five movies last weekend just so we would know what is going on! Don’t you remember?!”

Friend #2: “Oh, was that what those were? I was trying to figure out how to beat [Friend #3] in the chess game we have going on. I wasn’t paying attention.”

A month or two later, we are all hanging out at [Friend #1]’s house. His younger brother puts on a Darth Vader mask and pops out from behind things to startle us. 

After the surprised yelps and laughter die down, [Friend #2] utters this.

Friend #2: “What was he supposed to be, some kind of robot?”

His twin sister smacks him on the back of the head. 

Twin Sister: “I’m sorry, everyone. I have tried so hard with him, but I’m giving it up as a lost cause. If it’s not chess, math, Torah studies, or a musical, he just won’t pay attention.”

[Friend #2] never did figure out what the “robot mask” was.

Not Idly Do The Leaves Of Lorien Fall

, , , , , | Working | April 29, 2021

I usually wear a necklace that’s a Leaf of Lorien from “Lord Of The Rings.” It’s nothing fancy; actually, it used to be part of a bookmark that broke and I liked it enough that I just threaded a chain through the charm. Most people comment on it because they think it looks like a marijuana leaf and they want to know why I’m advertising it.

I meet up with a couple of friends at a local sandwich shop. I get my sandwich made and go to pay and the cashier looks up at me.

Cashier: “Oh, that’s a pretty necklace!”

Me: “Thanks. It used to be a bookmark and I turned it into the necklace when the bookmark broke.”

Cashier: “That’s fun! What is it?”

Me: “It’s a Leaf of Lorien.”

Cue a blank look from the cashier

Me: “From Lord Of The Rings.”

Cashier: “Is that like Harry Potter?”

Me: “Um, no? It’s Lord Of The Rings. You know, Frodo, the One Ring, Gandalf?”

Cashier: “Oh! Is that Star Wars?”

Me: “Um, no? It’s like Lord Of The Rings. You know, Mordor? It was a book series and there’ve been several movies.”

Cashier: “Oh, yeah, I watch TV!”

She grinned at me and I just smiled and paid for my food, joining my friends. To this day, I’m still not sure if she was trying to flirt with me or if she was really that clueless.