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They’re Going To Need An Extra-Strong Raktajino

, , , , , | Right | September 17, 2021

I work in a coffee shop in a convention center, and a Star Trek convention is going down. Since I am a fan of the show, my manager has given me permission to work my shift as a Vulcan from the show. I have the hair, the uniform, and most importantly, the ears.

I’ve been serving fans all day and they’re all getting a kick out of it, until one guy comes up in a classic Captain Kirk uniform and seems unimpressed with my getup. I should note that I am Asian.

Customer: “You trying to be a Vulcan?”

Me: “Yes, sir! It was the logical thing to do today!”

Customer: “You can’t be a Vulcan!”

Me: “I think I pull it off pretty well, sir.”

Customer: “But there ain’t no China on Vulcan!”

Ah, I see. Simple racism. I know how to deal with this.

Me: “That’s right, sir. There is no China on Vulcan. There’s no Europe, either.”

The customer opens his mouth to counter my point but then realizes the ridiculousness of arguing over what the default race should be coming from a fictional alien planet. After stuttering a moment:

Customer: “There ain’t no China on Vulcan!”

He stormed off. I wish he left that kind of bigotry in his quarters; there’s no room for it on my bridge.


This story is part of the Editors’ Choice 2021 roundup!

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Space: The Father’s Frontier

, , , , , | Related | September 3, 2021

My surname is Kirk, and my wife took it when we got married. Shortly before she got pregnant with our first child, both her grandfathers — James and Thomas — passed away. We’ve just found out our child is going to be a boy, and she wants to honor them by naming the child after them.

Me: “My dearest, darling wife, you know that I love you more than anything else on this earth. I’m absolutely thrilled that you want to honor your grandfathers by naming our son for them. They were both wonderful men.”

I drop into a crouch so I can speak to our son inside her belly.

Me: “And, son, I love you more than anything else on the planet besides your amazing, wonderful mother. It is because of my very great love for you that I will refuse to let you be named ‘James T. Kirk’ as long as I am alive when you are born.”

Wife: “What are you going on about?”

It suddenly clicks in what I’ve just said.

Wife: Oh! Yeah, that would be bad. Thanks for catching that, honey.” 

Our two wonderful sons were born three years apart. The older has the middle name of James, and the younger has the middle name of Thomas. I love them and my wife more than life itself.

They Weren’t Alpha-Betting On That Happening Today

, , , , | Right | August 27, 2021

One of my hobbies is learning to read fictional alphabets, like Aurebesh from “Star Wars” or Elvish and Dwarvish runes from Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings.”

I walk into an unfamiliar coffee shop one day. As the barista takes the money for my order, I see that he has Tolkien’s Elvish tattooed on his forearm.

Me: “Cool tattoo!”

Barista: “Thanks!”

He holds his arm out so I can get a better look at the swirly writing. It takes me a couple of seconds longer to read than regular English, but it turns out to be a famous line from the book, and once I have the first few words, the rest is easy to figure out.

Me: “‘Not… all… those who wander are lost.’ Nice!”

He stares at me in surprise for a moment and then looks over at his coworker.

Barista: *To his coworker* “I like her more than you.”

Into The Jerk-Verse

, , , , , , | Friendly | CREDIT: Flopfish30 | August 27, 2021

I’m walking down the street wearing a Miles Morales sweater, and a kid and his mom pass me.

Kid: “Cool sweater!”

Me: “Thanks!”

I keep walking. That’s when the mom gets involved.

Woman: “GET BACK HERE NOW!”

I think that maybe I accidentally tripped her son or something, but I turn around and both of them are standing there, completely fine, her son oblivious.

Me: “Is something wrong?”

Woman: “HOW DARE YOU WEAR THAT SWEATER, YOU RACIST!”

Me: “What?”

Woman: “You’re wearing that sweater so you can pretend that you’re not racist and get the support of the BLM community!”

Me: *Still confused* “Um, I just like Miles Mora—”

Woman: “No! You’re just a white person trying to look supportive of BLM!”

Me: *Sighs* “If you’re just gonna waste my time, I’m gonna just keep walking.”

Woman: “NO! YOU WILL NOT WALK AWAY FROM THIS!”

I start walking away as she keeps screaming at me, and I think of the best truth bomb to drop on this woman.

Me: “Oh, and by the way, Miles Morales is half Puerto Rican, and so am I.”

The lady looked surprised, paused, and then kept going. I blocked her out and kept walking.

Sometimes I’ll Start A Title And I Don’t Even Know Where It’s Going

, , , , , , , | Working | August 13, 2021

I work in a legal aid clinic and we hired a new attorney during the health crisis. We get along great, but almost all of our interaction is over video conferencing, which isn’t the best way to get to know someone. The part of my personality that doesn’t always come through over video conferencing is my tendency to quote from TV and movies in regular conversation. I don’t expect people to always catch the quote and usually do it for my own amusement. It’s something I mostly do when I’m comfortable and have a good relationship with those around me.

Once we’re all vaccinated, we return to in-person work. The new attorney has just been made the director of our clinic and mentions during our team meeting they’d like to set up a regular meeting with me for the purposes of case review and supervision. 

Director: “I’d like to set up an initial meeting so we can get to know each other a little better and find out what kind of supervision style and schedule will work best for the two of us.”

Me: “It was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.”

The director startles a little bit and throws a look at the other attorney in the room.

Staff Attorney: “It’s a quote from something. Whenever she says something confusing or out of character, there’s a good chance it’s a quote from something.”

Me: *Resignedly* “It’s from The Office.”

Director: “Ah! Got it! Well, that makes me David Wallace… What gave you that idea?”

Me: “We’re gonna get along so well.”