The Quality Of These Toys Are Sith

, , , , , , | Working | December 23, 2020

It’s around the holiday season, and my regional manager and I are standing near the back of the store talking about some plans for the store. We happen to be near a display of Star Wars toys, and I notice a plastic lightsaber that’s new. They are the type that when you flick it, the coloured plastic shoots out to turn the lightsaber “on.” I grab one off the shelf to try it out, but nothing happens. It’s a blue lightsaber, meant for a Jedi.

Regional Manager: “Let me try.”

It works with one swing.

Me: “I’ve always leaned more toward the dark side anyway.”

I took one of the red lightsabers off the hook and tried it out. It worked perfectly. I tried the blue lightsaber again later. It still didn’t work for me.

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All Together Now, “Nooooooooooo!”

, , , , , , , , , | Working | December 17, 2020

One day in the office my two coworkers:

Me: “We’re going to be alone with no managers today. I have an idea for how to celebrate!”

We would put on an eight-hour loop of the cantina music from Star Wars to see how long it will take for one of us to crack. We pause the music only when one of us has to answer a phone call.

At one point, I receive a phone call. After pausing the music and answering, I realise very quickly that this is a scammer. Usually, I just hang up; however, this time I have a devious thought. I put my phone up to the speakers and blast the cantina music at them. They quickly hang up.

Oh, and we lasted five hours before one of my coworkers cracked and begged for the music to be turned off.

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All Reading Is Good Reading

, , , , | Related | October 24, 2020

As a nine-year-old child, I am as voracious a reader as my twin brother isn’t. I am reading adult sci-fi; he is years below his age bracket. It’s not because he isn’t clever, but because he is unmotivated and stubborn. Oh, so stubborn.

My parents consult with paediatricians, special tutors, and his teachers. They sit to read with him every night. They try every technique and every recommended book that is meant to attract young boys. They try books on any topic he has interest in. They try punishment and reward and everything in between. Nothing works. He just refuses to read. He’d rather watch TV or play computer games, and he isn’t willing to negotiate terms. A one-hour-for-one-hour compromise is not on the table. He’d rather choose spite.

Finally, after more than a full year of watching this play out — and, admittedly, having reached my limit of petty jealousy from seeing my brother get “extra attention” from both our parents — I take matters into my own hands.

I interrupt my parents and brother “reading.”

Me: “Come with me.”

I drag my brother by the hand to the computer, dial into the Internet, and go to the one fanfiction site I know of at the time. I search around for a high-rating story of my brother’s lifetime favourite game and OTP pairing and begin to read the story out loud.

After the first chapter, I walk away.

Me: “It’s all yours!”

My brother replaced me on the seat, clicked the next chapter… and quietly began to read. He stayed on that site for the rest of the night while I tried to badger my dad into reading “Snow Crash” out loud to me.

He is now an adult and an absolutely phenomenal speed-reader… who still basically only reads fanfiction.

Dad never did read me “Snow Crash.”

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Stop Trolling The Super-Saiyans!

, , , , , | Friendly | October 21, 2020

It’s Halloween night with an endless parade of kids and their parents, but I’m quite enjoying myself, handing out candy and seeing all the costumes. I’m standing by the kitchen counter and making sure the bowl of candy is full while keeping an eye on the security door. A lone kid comes up wearing a bright blue wig of hair that stands straight up and an orange outfit that is very familiar to me. I immediately geek out inside.

Me: “Hey! Goku!” 

Trick-or-Treater: *Throws his head back* “Finally! Someone who doesn’t think I’m a troll!” 

Me: *Opening the door* “No way, man, you’re Kakarot!” 

I gave him an extra-large handful of candy. After he left, I wondered if anyone else would know his costume, other than a thirty-year-old woman.

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When You Torchwood Not Go Anywhere Else

, , , | Right | October 20, 2020

I’m a nerd. I tend to wear a lot of nerd stuff, such as a Vortex Manipulator watch, Eye of Agamotto, suspenders, and various pins. I’ve had some crazy stuff happen before, but nothing like this. I’m in line at a coffee shop to get drinks for my friends. I’m wearing the Vortex Manipulator.

Me: “I’ll take…”

Customer: *Behind me* “Why are you in this shop?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “If you’re a criminal, why are you in a coffee shop?”

Me: “How am I a criminal?”

Customer: “You have a tracker on your wrist. Only criminals wear those.”

Me: “Actually, it’s my watch.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t.”

Barista: “It’s a Vortex Manipulator. You see, he’s a time agent.”

Customer: “You mean a criminal?”

Young Kid: “Stop being mean.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Young Kid: “He’s said that he’s a time agent; let it go.”

Customer: “I won’t let a criminal be here.”

Me: “If you don’t leave, I will be a criminal, as I’ll be guilty of your murder.”

She skedaddled out of there.

Barista: “Whatever you say, Mr. Harkness.”

I still go there for that reason.

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