I play Dungeons and Dragons with a group of friends. We do it at a specific house because he’s the only homeowner among us right now.

While we were playing one day, a door-to-door marketer came knocking.

My friend speaks Klingon and answered the door in Klingon, his standard way of dealing with solicitors. To our surprise, the salesman answered back in Klingon, as well. My friend wound up buying whatever it was after the salesman was able to do the whole pitch in Klingon.

My friend invited the salesman to join us at DnD next week. He accepted.

Three years later, they’re married. The salesman also isn’t working door-to-door anymore; he now manages social media accounts for a company.

I’m a DC fan and was always confused about the Superfamily. The only difference between Superman and Clark Kent is glasses. But no one knows his identity. I never understood it… until I switched from glasses to contacts. In the first class of the day, I was proven wrong about secret identities.

I walked up to my first-period teacher to ask a question.

Me: “[Teacher]? I have a question.”

Teacher: “Oh? Are you a new student? I wasn’t aware we were getting one.”

I was at work when I saw a fellow coworker was just arriving, so I greeted him.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], what’s up?”

Coworker: “The direction opposite the pull of the weakest of the four fundamental forces within the vicinity in which the direction is referenced.”

Me: “Huh?”

Coworker: “You asked what up was, so I figured I’d explain for you.”

Me: “That’s what all that meant?”

Coworker: “Yep. I have a longer version that includes something about vectoral sums, but that was just too long.”

Me: *Sarcastically* “Oh, yes, obviously. You want to keep your answer nice and short like that first version.”

Coworker: “Exactly!”

For the record, I only managed to type out my coworker’s original answer by making him repeat it for me, slowly, as I was writing this.

It is the summer of 1990, between the third and fourth seasons of “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. I’m walking through the parking lot of a local shopping center when a man comes bolting out of one of the stores, followed by a security guard. Another security guard, who was patrolling the parking lot, joins in the chase.

The man they are chasing is running frantically across the lot, trying to get away. Every few seconds, he slaps his upper left chest with his right hand and yells out:

Customer: “Scotty! Beam me up! Scotty! Beam me up!”

Each one becomes a more and more urgent call as the guards close in on him.

Customer: “Scotty, beam me up. SCOTTY, BEAM ME UP! Scotty, HURRY, beam me up. Beam up now! D*** it, Scotty, where are you? Beam me up NOW!”

He runs past me, around a row of cars, with the guards closing in on him. As he gets to the other side of the row, he stands still, positions himself as though he’s preparing for “beam out”, and one last time, desperately slaps his “Communicator” and calls out:

Customer: “Scotty! Lock in on me and beam me up NOW! HURRY!”

The two guards catch up with him, grab him, and lead him back to the store. As they pass me, I can’t resist.

Me: “Hey, buddy! You know why Scotty didn’t beam you up?”

He looks at me, apparently anxious to hear the explanation.

Me: “You were using the wrong communicator type. You were using The Next Generation chest-badge type; Scotty uses the flip-open communicator!”

The man exasperatedly throws his head back.

Customer: “Oh, man!”

The two security guards and I cracked up laughing as they led him off back to the store!

Related:
Hailing Frequencies Open But Nobody’s Home

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A few years ago, I was working as a retail journalist and got to cover the opening of a huge new toy store on a famous street in central London. The planners went all out, and the bigwigs of the company were walking around and talking to everyone. They even had several dozen costumed characters there to perform for the kids.

I saw them getting ready and had to do a double-take as I noticed a character who seemed a little out of place.

And that’s how I got the chance to see a choreographed family-friendly dance featuring such stars as Bob the Builder, Fireman Sam… and Scorpion from Mortal Kombat.

A fun night was had by all.