Very Express-ive

| OH, USA | Right | April 10, 2016

(I work at a gas station with the word ‘Express’ in its name. It’s a slow day when a middle-aged man comes up to my register.)

Man: “Hi, I can use this here right?”

(He hands me a gift card that is clearly labeled from a competitor company.)

Me: “Err, no, this is [Store] Express. That card is only good at [Competitor].”

Man: “But look here, it says ‘Express.’ So, I can use it right?”

(He points to the clearly marked “usable at [Competitor] Express” logo.)

Me: “Nope, this is still [Store] Express. Not [Competitor] Express. Sorry, I can’t accept the card.”

Man: Well, F*** YOU, THEN!”

Just Dropped A Jaeger Bombshell

| MI, USA | Working | March 31, 2016

(I stop at the gas station to buy a frozen drink. There are two girls working behind the counter, talking loudly to one another about pregnancy and C-sections. I get my drink and go up to the counter.)

Me: “Hello.”

Cashier #1: “So, was it weird to be having his baby when you weren’t together with him?”

Cashier #2: *doesn’t acknowledge me while ringing me up* “Ha! We were never together in the first place!”

Cashier #1: “Well, then, how did you…?”

Cashier #2: “Way too much Jaeger.” *laughs* “That’s why I always advise everyone against it at parties.” *hands me receipt without looking at me*

Me: “Thanks…”

(It’s amazing what people will talk about in public!)

Needs To Break Down The Breakup

| USA | Romantic | March 25, 2016

(Admittedly, I can act a bit bratty, and my fiancé always graciously puts up with me. I also joke that I want to break up with him when I am grumpy. This happens when we go to get gas for my car.)

Me: “I don’t like you anymore.”

Fiancé: “Well, we could always be friends with benefits?”

Me: “Why would I want to do that? I don’t like you!”

Fiancé: “But I like having sex with you!”

Me: “Nope. Don’t like you.”

Fiancé: *in good humor* “Well, we could always just be friends.”

Me: *very bratty at this point* “I. Don’t. Like. You.”

Fiancé: *acts dejected*

(At this point, I jump out to pay for gas and he opens up the door to talk to me. I see this and posture.)

Me: *nastily* “What are you still doing here? I broke up with you!”

(I must have said it a touch too loud, because the attendant in the box a few feet away looks very concerned. He continues to watch me warily, as I get my gas, unaware of my fiancé laughing in the car at me.)

Me: *gets in* “You know, I think the cashier back there thought I was going to start a fight with you.”

Fiancé: *laughs* “Really?”

Me: “Yeah… I should probably watch what I say around strangers, huh?” *pause* “Oh, by the way, I don’t like you!”

(Yes. I obviously love him. And the saint he was had already hidden chocolate in the freezer for me.)

In An Odd Interstate Of Mind

| WV, USA | Right | March 25, 2016

(I work at a gas station on the side of the interstate. To get back on the interstate, one simply continues driving straight, guided by cones, signs, and post. An older man approaches the gas station; I have the employee door unlocked as I have just swept the office. The customer looks at “employees only” sign and walks in anyway.)

Me: “Sir, you’ll need to go to the front doors. This is the employee door.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” *walks to front* “You see that car over there?”

(I look outside to the twelve cars sitting at pumps.)

Me: “Which one, sir?”

Customer: “That maroon one?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “I’d like $30 on that pump.”

(I ring up the transaction.)

Customer: “How do I get back on the interstate?

Me: “You just head straight. Follow the cones and posts and the sign that says ‘Exit Here.’”

Customer: “Okay! So, I go back that way?” *points the opposite direction*

Me: “No, sir, that way.” *points to the correct direction*

Customer: “Okay, I’m trying to get to West Virginia, you see.”

Me: “Sir, you are in West Virginia.”

Customer: “No, this is North Carolina!”

Me: “No, sir, this IS West Virginia.”

Customer: “How do you know?”

Me: “I live here?”

Customer: “You need to learn your geography.” *leaves*

Me: “What just… what just happened?”

Should Have Been A Smoothie Transaction

, | USA | Working | March 18, 2016

(I stop at a gas station/convenience store on my lunch break to buy a kind of pre-packaged smoothie that you blend yourself. It’s a Thursday so I just got paid; I’ve had trouble in the past with my bank randomly putting holds on my paychecks, so with things like these smoothies, I always pay before preparing just in case it won’t go through.)

Me: “Hi. Just this, please.”

Employee: *picks up smoothie and looks at it* “This isn’t blended.”

Me: “I know.”

Employee: *sets it down in front of me without ringing it in* “It’s not blended.”

Me: “I know.”

Employee: “You have to blend it.”

Me: “…I know. I’ll blend it after I pay.”

Employee: “…”

Me: “So… can I buy this?”

Employee: “It’s not blended.”

Me: “Okay. I…” *I point to myself* “will blend…” *I swirl my hands around each other* “this smoothie…” *I point to the smoothie* “AFTER I pay.” *I wave my card toward the reader* “Okay?”

Employee: *skeptically* “Okay, but it’s not blended.”

(I have to take a few deep breaths before I can respond.)

Me: “I think I can handle the consequences of that, thanks.”

(He finally rings it through and I pay, then go blend my smoothie. As I walk out, I hear the employee shout with great revelation:)

Employee: “Oh! Well, you should’ve said you’d blend it once you’d paid.”

(It took all my self-control to not throw myself or the employee into traffic.)

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