Don’t Cry Murder

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Friendly | June 3, 2016

(My sister and I are getting out of the car to head into the convenience store. I can’t quite remember what she said, but it caused me to threaten to murder her, which is a frequent thing in our family.)

Me: “I’m gonna murder you and no one will ever know because they’ll never find the body!”

Guy: *sitting outside eating* “I’ll know.”

(I turn and point at him.)

Me: “I’ll get you too, then.”

(We all have a laugh and my sister and I head inside.)

Me: “I hope that guy isn’t mad I threatened to murder him.”

Just Avoid The Red Ones

| NY, USA | Working | May 11, 2016

(Turning myself in on this one. I am standing directly under a radio speaker, organizing a display, when a male customer approaches me from the other side of the display table.)

Customer: *quietly* “Do you have any feminine products?”

Me: *mishears ‘feminine’ as ‘M&M’* “Oh, we have the big bags there, and over here we have smaller ones.”

Customer: *looks around for a moment, before turning back to me* “No, uh… feminine products. For… for ladies?”

Me: “…Oh. Yes, sorry, right over here.” *directs customer to feminine products* “But you know, some M&Ms might help, too!”

The Definition Of Helpful Is Fluid

| ON, Canada | Right | May 6, 2016

(I work at a gas station; a lady comes in to buy windshield washer fluid but needs help getting it in her car. I am by myself and there are other people there so I can’t help her.)

Customer: “Is there anyone here that can help me put this washer fluid in the car?”

Me: “No, sorry, I’m the only person here and as long as someone is fueling, I can’t leave the store.” *it’s a bylaw*

Customer: “Well, can you ask the manager or someone in the back to come help?”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry. I’m the only person here at the moment.”

Customer: “Well, can YOU help me, then?”

Me: “I’m not allowed to leave the front when people are fuelling. It’s a safety hazard and a bylaw. I actually don’t drive either, or have a car, so I’m not sure how much help I’d be. If you ask one of the people outside they might be able to help you, though?”

Customer: “YOU can’t FILL the washer fluid? Funny that they gave YOU this job then.”

Me: “You can’t fill YOUR washer fluid? Funny that they gave you the car.”

(She left pretty mad. I told my manager about the exchange and she was laughing.)

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Very Express-ive

| OH, USA | Right | April 10, 2016

(I work at a gas station with the word ‘Express’ in its name. It’s a slow day when a middle-aged man comes up to my register.)

Man: “Hi, I can use this here right?”

(He hands me a gift card that is clearly labeled from a competitor company.)

Me: “Err, no, this is [Store] Express. That card is only good at [Competitor].”

Man: “But look here, it says ‘Express.’ So, I can use it right?”

(He points to the clearly marked “usable at [Competitor] Express” logo.)

Me: “Nope, this is still [Store] Express. Not [Competitor] Express. Sorry, I can’t accept the card.”

Man: Well, F*** YOU, THEN!”

Just Dropped A Jaeger Bombshell

| MI, USA | Working | March 31, 2016

(I stop at the gas station to buy a frozen drink. There are two girls working behind the counter, talking loudly to one another about pregnancy and C-sections. I get my drink and go up to the counter.)

Me: “Hello.”

Cashier #1: “So, was it weird to be having his baby when you weren’t together with him?”

Cashier #2: *doesn’t acknowledge me while ringing me up* “Ha! We were never together in the first place!”

Cashier #1: “Well, then, how did you…?”

Cashier #2: “Way too much Jaeger.” *laughs* “That’s why I always advise everyone against it at parties.” *hands me receipt without looking at me*

Me: “Thanks…”

(It’s amazing what people will talk about in public!)

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