Counting Down To When This Customer Leaves

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Money

Me: “Your total is $15.85.”

(Customer hands me $100 bill. Since it’s two am all I have is small bills, so to avoid confusion from the customer and to cover myself for the camera, I count the change out onto the counter.)

Me: “And your change is $84.15.”

Customer: “Why does everyone count change backward?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “You should start with the change and count up to the next dollar amount, then count up to the amount of the bill I gave you. Then you’ll never be wrong.”

Me: “Well, I know how much change to give you so there’s no reason for me to do that. I gave you the correct change. Would you like a receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t need a receipt, but you should always count up. Then you’ll never be wrong.”

Me: “Even if I didn’t know how to add and subtract myself, the computer tells me how much change to give. I gave you the correct change.”

Customer: “But the girl at some other place gave me the wrong change once, so you should always do it this way so you’ll never be wrong.”

Me: “But I wasn’t wrong.”

(The customer stands there arguing with me for ten minutes that even though I gave him the correct change, I counted it wrong.  Finally I just stopped responding and just gave him a blank stare until he stopped talking.)

Me: “Have a nice day; we’ll see you next time.”

The House Never Makes Mistakes

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I have just finished making coffee and am still in that area of the store when a regular comes over to get a cup.)

Customer: “Is this the House Blend?”

Me: “Did you get it out of the shuttle labeled House Blend?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then yes, that’s the House Blend.”

Customer: “Are you sure? It looks different.”

Me: “I just made it. I’m sure.”

Customer:  “But it looks different. Are you sure it’s House Blend? Sometimes people can make a mistake without realizing it.”

(The customer tells me story of stupid mistake he made at work.)

Me: “Did you taste the coffee?”

(Customer tastes coffee.)

Me: “Does it taste like House Blend?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

Customer: “But everyone makes mistakes.”

Demanding A Slush-Fund

| Granada Hills, CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Technology

(A customer walks in and buys a Drink. It is self serve, so we show him where the machine is. Five minutes later, he walks back in, with a big stain on his shirt. He yells at me.)

Customer: “You did this to me!!!”.

(I try to calm him down but he insists that I owe him free gas.)

Me: “A child could use this machine; why can’t you?”

(After arguing for a bit, an eight-year-old child came in, bought a hot dog and a Drink, and left. The customer sheepishly left. He came back three times in the next week demanding free gas and a new Drink.)

Unknown Caller Is On An Unknown Amount Of Substances

| Ada, MI, USA | Bizarre

(The caller ID says UNKNOWN CALLER.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gas Station].”

Caller: “Hey, I was at your gas station earlier today and I bought an e-cigarette from you guys. I just wanted to let you know that when I lit my e-cigarette like I always do, it blew up.”

Me: “Pardon, sir?”

Caller: “Yeah, it exploded. I don’t know whether it was just my e-cigarette that was defective, or if it was all of them or what.”

Me: “I’m… sorry to hear that, sir. I’ll let my manager know, and we’ll see what we can do.”

Caller: “Yeah, that’d be great. Can I talk to your manager?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but she’s not here. She’s probably at home sleeping.”

Caller: “Oh. Okay… So, how are you doing tonight?”

Me: “Uh… I’m doing all right, sir. How are you doing?”

Caller: “Well, other than the e-cigarette blowing up in my face, I’m not doing too bad.”

Me: “That’s good to hear, sir.”

Caller: “Yeah. So how are you doing?”

Me: “I’m… doing fine, sir. Thank you.”

Caller: “Oh, yeah? That’s good. That’s good. Hey, what’s your name?”

Me: “[My Name], sir.”

Caller: “Okay, [My Name]. How are you doing tonight?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir… I don’t understand.”

Caller: “How are you doing this evening?”

Me: “I’m doing just fine, sir. How about you?”

Caller: “Other than my e-cigarette blowing up, I’m doing all right. So how’s working at a gas station, [Not My Name]?”

Me: “It’s all right, sir.”

Caller: “Is it any fun?”

Me: “Not anymore than any other job, really, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, yeah? That’s cool. Do you get a lot of bathroom and smoke breaks there?”

Me: “Well, I, uh, I step away from the register when I need to go to the bathroom, and I don’t smoke, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, yeah? That’s good. That’s good. You shouldn’t smoke, [Not My Name]. It’s bad for you.”

Me: “I know, sir, that’s why I don’t.”

Caller: “Good. So… what else do you sell there besides gas?”

Me: “Well, mostly we sell cigarettes and junk food, sir.”

Caller: “How about soda?”

Me: “Yes, we do also sell soda, sir.”

Caller: “Do you get a lot of teenagers buying cigarettes, [Not My Name]?”

Me: “I do get a few, sir, but I always remember to card them.”

Caller: “That’s good, that’s good. Did you know, I was reading something on the Internet this morning, said that this generation of teenagers has the fewest smokers of any generation? Only like 9%.”

Me: “I believe it, sir.”

Caller: “But you still get a lot of teenagers buying cigarettes?”

Me: “Only if they’re of age, sir. I’d imagine that most of the other teens who don’t smoke don’t have a reason to visit our station as often.”

Caller: “Good point. So, what’s your favorite pop, [Not My Name]?”

Me: “I’d say [Soda], sir.”

Caller: “[Soda]? That’s a good pop.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “So do you, like, have cups you can fill with pop there?”

Me: “Yes, sir, you can fill a cup with soda at our gas station.”

Caller: “What kind of soda do you get from the fountain pop?”

Me: “[Soda], sir.”

Caller: “Oh, yeah, ’cause that’s your favorite, right, [Not My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Caller: “So… you ever drank gasoline? ‘Cause y’know, you work at a gas station?”

Me: “Um… no sir.”

Caller: “You never drank gasoline? I always wanted to try it.”

Me: “No, sir, I think that would make me very sick.”

Caller: “Yeah, you’re probably right. So, how does the register work?”

Me: “Well, it’s a touch screen, sir. You just press the right buttons and the software handles the numbers.”

Caller: “Oh… do you sell a lot of [Candy #1]?”

Me: “No sir, I don’t sell [Candy #1] very often.”

Caller: “Do you sell a lot of [Candy #2]?”

Me: “No, sir, I don’t sell a lot of [Candy #2], either.”

Caller: “Yeah, man, [Candy #2] are my favorite, [unintelligible].”

Me: “I see.”

Caller: “Hey, [Not My Name], what did you say your name was again?”

Me: “[My Name], sir.”

Caller: “[My Name]… like [My Name] the Bomb?”

Me: *having no idea who that is* “Yes, sir, like [My Name] the Bomb.”

Caller: “Cool. Hey, you’re a cool guy, so I’m gonna call you [My Name] the Bomb. Is that all right?”

Me: “That’s fine, sir.”

Caller: “Cool. Hey, I got stuff I gotta do, so I’m gonna go now, [My Name] the Bomb. I’ll call again later, all right?”

Me: *dear god, please, no* “Sure, sir.”

Caller: “All right. Later, [My Name] the Bomb.”

Me: “Have a good night, sir.”

(Two minutes later, the phone rings, caller ID says UNKNOWN CALLER.)

Me: “NOPE.”

(I think he tried to light his e-cigarette with a lighter, like a real cigarette, and that’s why it exploded. Also, the third shift person went through that day’s transactions. We didn’t sell any e-cigarettes that day.)

No ID, No Idea, Part 27

| Tacoma, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Underaged

(A customer who looks to be about 15 at the most approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Two packs 100s!”

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

Customer: “I left my wallet at home, and before you say anything, I got my mom’s phone number so you can call her to confirm my age, and I’m good friends with the guy who runs this joint so don’t give me any s*** about how you can’t give me my smokes!”

Me: “May I ask a different question, then?”

Customer: “Only if you’re quick about it.”

Me: “If you don’t have your wallet, how were you planning to pay for your purchases?”

(All cockiness promptly drains from the customer’s face.)

Customer: “F***********k!”

(Stormed out.)

Related:
No ID, No Idea, Part 26
No ID, No Idea, Part 25
No ID, No Idea, Part 24

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