ISIS Are Pshhh-ing Towards America

| Broome County, NY, USA | Wild & Unruly

(I’m at the soda cooler in a local gas station when a woman comes running in and slams down a bottle of soda in front of the cashier, who appears to be of Middle Eastern descent.)

Customer #1: “I just bought a soda and it’s flat! I didn’t even hear the ‘pshhh’ when I opened the cap!”

Cashier: “Oh, no problem. You can grab another one.”

Customer #1: “I just can’t believe you’d sell a soda that doesn’t even go ‘pshhh’ when you open the cap!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry. It might have just gotten damaged during shipping or something and lost its carbonation. You can go ahead and grab another one to replace it. It’s really no problem”

Customer #1: “I just don’t understand why you’d sell one that doesn’t go ‘pshhh’ when you open it!”

Cashier: “Well, I wouldn’t be able to know they all made that noise without opening them all up.”

Customer #1: “Then do your job! Open them up and make sure they go ‘pshhh!’”

Cashier: “I can’t open all the sodas before I sell them.”

Customer #1: “What use are you, then?!”

(At this moment, another woman comes in and grabs some paper towels that are sitting on the counter.)

Customer #2: “Thanks for letting me use these.”

Cashier: “Oh, absolutely. No problem.”

Customer #1: “What’s going on?”

Customer #2: “Oh, I accidentally pulled the gas nozzle out early and squirted a little gas on the side of my car. I’m just wiping it off.”

Customer #1: *turning to cashier; screaming* “You won’t even make sure you sodas aren’t flat, and now you’re trying to cover this poor woman’s car in gas! This is the most corrupt f****** gas station I’ve ever been to! I’m calling Homeland Security on you! F****** terrorists, the lot of you!”

(She storms out. I walk up to the counter and plop down a soda I’m buying.)

Cashier: “You better watch out! I’m evidently a dastardly terrorist out to steal the ‘pshhh’ from your soda!”

Customer #2: “And don’t forget your maniacal plan to spill minuscule amounts of gas on the sides of people’s cars and make them waste their cents!”

Cashier: “Absolutely. It’s all part of my plan to destroy the world economy by minorly inconveniencing people!”

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Dyscalculating How Understanding They Would Be

| USA | At The Checkout, Money, Wild & Unruly

(I have dyscalculia, basically dyslexia but for numbers. Among some other issues this causes, I occasionally speak numbers in the wrong order, especially if I’m working quickly. Usually the customer and I will laugh it off, but not this guy…)

Customer: “Two packs of [Cigarettes].”

Me: “You got it.” *scans cigarettes and totals purchase to $19.42* “Your total is $14.92.”

Customer: *swipes card and follows prompts, but stops when he reaches the “confirm your total” screen* “What’s this?”

Me: “Oh, that screen asks you to confirm your total before completing the purchase—” *the customer hits “no” and the register returns to asking for payment* “Oh, looks like you hit no. The sensors in the touch screen are a little—”

Customer: “You said my total was $14.92, not $19.42! You’re trying to rip me off!”

Me: “Did I? I’m sorry, I must have misspoken. The cigarettes are $9.71 each after tax, so for two of them it’d be $19.42. I can get your receipt to you, too, if you like.”

Customer: “I’m not paying more than $14.92 for these. This is false advertising!”

Me: *starting to get annoyed that what should be a minute long transaction is getting so out of hand* “Before taxes, the cigarettes are $8.99 per pack. Even IF the register was wrong, which it’s not, I just misspoke, so the total would still not be $14.92. I can sell you the cigarettes for the price they should be, sir, or I can cancel the order, but I cannot sell them to you for less than the cost plus tax.”

Customer: “This is an outrage! You said $14.92!”

(He reaches across the counter and shoves the two packs of cigarettes off it and to the floor, before storming out.)

Me: *after a moment of shock, I cancel the order and put the cigarettes back on the shelf* “Well… next in line, please!”

Sounds Like A Flavor Of Another Green Thing That Comes In A Bag

, | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Bizarre, Language & Words

Customer: “I’m looking for some chips my wife asked me to get.”

Me: “Sure, what kind?”

Customer: “She said ‘pixie conifer.’”

Me: “Sorry… what?”

Customer: “Pixie conifer. In a green bag.”

Me: “I’ve… never heard of anything like that.”

Customer: “Well, she used to work with trees. That might have something to do with it.”

Me: “Hang on, let me check here…”

(I pull out my phone and Google ‘pixie conifer’ just to see if anything comes up. Unsurprisingly, nothing.)

Me: “You said ‘pixie’, right? Like a fairy?”

Customer: “Yeah. Pixie Conifer. Green bag.”

Me: “Sorry, I’ve never heard of such a thing. All of our chips are on those shelves if you want to look, but that’s a new one to me.”

Customer: “Hang on.”

(He pulls out his phone and dials, wandering off so I can’t hear his end of it.)

Customer: “All right, I talked to her. She wants ‘pickle vinegar.’”

Me: “Thaaat makes more sense. Right over here…”

Counting Down To When This Customer Leaves

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | At The Checkout, Money

Me: “Your total is $15.85.”

(Customer hands me $100 bill. Since it’s two am all I have is small bills, so to avoid confusion from the customer and to cover myself for the camera, I count the change out onto the counter.)

Me: “And your change is $84.15.”

Customer: “Why does everyone count change backward?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “You should start with the change and count up to the next dollar amount, then count up to the amount of the bill I gave you. Then you’ll never be wrong.”

Me: “Well, I know how much change to give you so there’s no reason for me to do that. I gave you the correct change. Would you like a receipt?”

Customer: “I don’t need a receipt, but you should always count up. Then you’ll never be wrong.”

Me: “Even if I didn’t know how to add and subtract myself, the computer tells me how much change to give. I gave you the correct change.”

Customer: “But the girl at some other place gave me the wrong change once, so you should always do it this way so you’ll never be wrong.”

Me: “But I wasn’t wrong.”

(The customer stands there arguing with me for ten minutes that even though I gave him the correct change, I counted it wrong.  Finally I just stopped responding and just gave him a blank stare until he stopped talking.)

Me: “Have a nice day; we’ll see you next time.”

The House Never Makes Mistakes

| Milwaukee, WI, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I have just finished making coffee and am still in that area of the store when a regular comes over to get a cup.)

Customer: “Is this the House Blend?”

Me: “Did you get it out of the shuttle labeled House Blend?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then yes, that’s the House Blend.”

Customer: “Are you sure? It looks different.”

Me: “I just made it. I’m sure.”

Customer:  “But it looks different. Are you sure it’s House Blend? Sometimes people can make a mistake without realizing it.”

(The customer tells me story of stupid mistake he made at work.)

Me: “Did you taste the coffee?”

(Customer tastes coffee.)

Me: “Does it taste like House Blend?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

Customer: “But everyone makes mistakes.”

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