A Garden Needs A Good Offence

| Right | May 12, 2013

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

(She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

(I am 21, but look younger.)

Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

(I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

(I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”

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Barking Up All The Trees

| Right | April 3, 2013

(I’m working in a garden center.)

Customer: “Hey, lady! Do you know something about plants?”

(I have a diploma in gardening, and been working here for five years.)

Me: “Yes, a lot actually.”

Customer: “I’m looking for a very specific plant. It’s very unique and it has flowers! And you have to feed it with water also!”

Me: “Okay… can you—”

Customer: “It’s kind of big also!”

Me: “Can you gave me a little bit more specification on that plant?”

Customer: “It has green leaves!”

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A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants

| Right | September 5, 2012

(A customer walks up with a dead, five foot tall maple sapling at the garden center where I work. It has been cut with a handsaw and has obviously been dead for a least three or four months.)

Customer: “I want a refund! You sold me this tree last summer, but in November the leaves all turned yellow, dried out, and fell off. I want a refund!”

Me: “So, in autumn your tree lost its leaves?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Sir, broad leaf trees in Canada like this do lose their leaves in the fall and then grow back in the spring. Your tree was just dormant for the winter.”

Customer: “But after the leaves all fell off, I put it in the garage! Now it’s spring, and the leaves aren’t growing back, so it must be defective. I want a refund NOW!”

Me: “When you put your tree into your garage in the fall, how did you get it in there?”

Customer: “I cut it!”

Me: “So, you cut it down and now you want a refund because it’s dead?”

Customer: “I want to speak to the owner!”

(I call the owner, who is a hard-nosed woman in her sixties.)

Owner: “What seems to be the problem sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, this tree you sold me last year is dead. I want a refund.”

Owner: “Was it alive before you put a saw to it?”

Customer: “Well, it was, and then in November all of the leaves turned yellow and fell off, so I cut it and put it in my garage. Now I want a refund!”

Owner: “Get out of here!”

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Just Like Finding Nemo Is The Children’s Version Of Jaws

| Working | May 24, 2012

(I am in the staff room and overhear this conversation between two coworkers.)

Coworker #1: “I was watching Animal Farm with my son, but he didn’t like it very much.”

Coworker #2:Animal Farm? Isn’t that a bit scary for children?”

Coworker #1: “Well, it might have been Babe. I can’t remember.”

Coworker #2: “The films are a bit difficult to mix up! They’re completely different!”

Coworker #1: “No! Babe is just the children’s version of Animal Farm!”

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Cower Before My Shower Of Flowers

, | Right | April 17, 2012

(I am standing at the cash register of our store. A customer comes up and asks about our tulip bulbs, so I point them out and she goes over to them.)

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to help me count them out?

Me: “Sure, ma’am, how many would you like?”

Customer: “500, obviously. You can’t expect me to do that on my own!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’ll help you for the moment.”

(As we reach the 200-tulip mark, three other customers finish their shopping and line up at the cash. I’m the only cashier, so I go to help.)

Customer: “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?! I don’t have 500 yet!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need to ring these people through. I’m the only cashier on duty. I can help you again once I’m finished.”

Customer: “You b****! You said you would help me, and now you want to back out? I can’t believe this!”

(Suddenly, the customer throws her bagged tulips onto the floor, scattering them everywhere. She then grabs handfuls of bulbs from the bin, throws them around the store, stands up, and marches out.)

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