(This story is told to me by my husband who works in a greenhouse. He went into work this morning around five am. On his way to the greenhouse, he saw something in the path. Thinking it was a rock, he kicked it. It turns out it was two toads mating. The one toad followed him into the greenhouse, croaking at him loudly while the other came in and changed color. He put gloves on and chased the two of them all over the greenhouse. When he picked them up, they peed on him. Finally, he took them out back and let them go. Later, he was telling his coworker about this. His coworker’s response?)

Coworker: “Did you at least offer them a cigarette?”

Several years ago, I was working in a garden center. We got our Easter lilies in the week of Easter. By Saturday, we still had some left. A lady came in and asked to see them. I took her to them and she seemed happy with how they looked. I asked her how many she would like and she replied that she would come back Monday when they would be half price.

At the end of the day, the owner came out of the office to leave. He saw that we only had a dozen or so left and told us to each take one, and an extra if we had someone to give one to. We ended up taking all that was left. I was glad to be there Monday to see the woman’s face when we had no half-price Easter lilies.

(A customer comes in wanting a refund on a plant because they’ve decided after a few days that they do not like it after all. Our refund policy allows switching plants, and it is still in its original pot, so no problem. Or so I thought…)

Me: “Do you know what plant you’d like to buy, instead, or would you like some help with that?”

Customer: “I’ve not quite decided yet. I thought I’d have a look around and see. There’s a bit of a problem, though: I looked and looked, but I couldn’t find the receipt. I’m really sorry.”

Me: “Oh, no problem. I remember selling this plant to you a couple of days ago.”

Customer: *looks worried* “But… I read your refund policy online. It said I needed a receipt to get a refund.”

Me: “I sold you the plant, so I know you bought it.”

Customer: “I don’t have the receipt, though!”

Me: “Okay, look at it this way: you need proof of purchase to get a refund, right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, that’s to prove to me that you bought it here, so I know whoever wants the refund isn’t trying to steal.”

Customer: “Yes?”

Me: “You remember me helping you choose this plant and then selling it to you, right?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, you were very helpful!”

Me: “And I remember it, too, so that’s proof of purchase. I know for a fact you bought it here!”

Customer: “But… I don’t have the receipt!”

Me: *gives up* “Tell you what. Without a receipt, I’m allowed to do a straight swap or give you store credit on your item. How does that sound?”

Customer: “Oh, that’d be great! I didn’t know you could do that.” *looks worried again* “You won’t get into trouble for it, will you?”

Me: “No, it’s covered under our refund policy.”

Customer: “I never knew you could do refunds without a receipt!”

Me: “…”

(A customer catches me off guard with this gem:)

Customer: “You carry replacement eyes?”

Me: *feeling very much like I missed some important information* “Sorry? Replacement eyes?”

Customer: “Yeah, I figured they’d be right here but I don’t see any. You got ’em?”

Me: *struggling like hell to figure out what he’s talking about* “Are you talking about a photocell for an outdoor light? Maybe a garage door sensor?”

Customer: “No, new bird eyes!”

Me: “New… bird… eyes.”

Customer: “Yeah! Those! Where have you got ’em?”

(I look around, starting to wonder if I’m being pranked. We get quite a few customers who like to be silly or ask nonsense questions just to see how we’ll react. I decide to play along… cautiously.)

Me: “What kind of bird are we looking for new eyes for?”

Customer: “It’s an owl.”

(Suddenly I feel really stupid. I realize he’s talking about the fake plastic owls you put in a garden to keep smaller birds away.)

Me: “Yes! The fake plastic owls?”

Customer: *wondering how I could be so dense, after such an excellent description* “Well, yeah!”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t carry new eyes for the owls. The whole bird is only $5.99. I think they assume that if the eyes fall off, the rest of the bird is in pretty bad shape as well and in need of replacement.”

Customer: “Well, there’s nothing wrong with mine except that the eyes are gone. It’d be pretty wasteful to toss him out when all he needs is new eyes!”

Me: *good lord he’s gotten so attached, he’s assigned it a gender* “Sorry, sir, we don’t carry them. Even if they could be special ordered they would probably cost half as much as a replacement bird after shipping.”

Customer: *sighs deeply* “Fine. How about bird repellent?”

Me: *thrilled to have a clue this time* “We don’t carry bird specific repellant, but I think we have something that’ll work for you.” *I show him to the area where it’s kept* “Here we go!”

Customer: “Naw, naw, this won’t work. Where have you got the duck repellent?”

Me: “Duck repellent? We don’t carry bird specific spray repellant, sir. I would go with this general animal spray. The scent keeps them away.”

Customer: “Naw, I need the duck stuff. Where is it?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry duck repellent.”

Customer: “No duck stuff?” *looking all over the shelf, obviously certain I’m lying or trying to hoard it all for myself* “I can’t believe you don’t carry that!”

Me: “To be honest, sir, we don’t get much call for duck repellent.”

Customer: *half to himself* “Man, can’t believe you guys don’t have that in stock. If ya did everyone would buy it.”

Me: “Sorry. If there’s anything else I can do to help let me know!”

(He walks away. I return to our service desk, where a coworker is standing.)

Me: “You ever heard of replacement bird eyes? Or duck repellent?”

Coworker: “What? Are you f****** with me?”

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Cruelty

Customer: “Do you think this is big enough for a dog?”

Me: “I don’t know. How big is it?”

(She looks me up and down.)

Customer: “About as big as your thighs.”

(I’m not sure if that is a read about my size, so I decide to ignore it.)

Me: “And what will it be using the box for, a bed?”

Customer: “Decomposing.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “It’s dead. I’m going to turn it into compost for my lilies.”

Me: “Oh, how… environmental?”

Customer: “Well, it was f****** useless in life. It may as well be useful in death. Actually, do you think it’s legal to compost your dead pets? I saw something on the TV about doing it with relatives, but pets are a bit different.”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t tell you. You’re the first person who has ever asked me.”

Customer: “Well, that’s f****** rude of you to say. I think I’ll take my dead dog and my business where I don’t have to look at your elephant thighs!”

(It’s then I noticed she had a large bag hanging from her other hand, and I saw a dog’s tail. She left, and thankfully she hasn’t been back during any of my shifts since.)