Never Ate From The Tree Of Knowledge

| Related | June 11, 2014

(A small child, about three years old, and his mother are browsing the veggie aisle of the garden centre.)

Mother: “We’re going to buy these yellow beans, let them grow up, and then eat them later in the summer.”

Boy: “We EAT plants!? That’s ridiculous!”

1 Thumbs
361

Made A Good Call

| Right | September 8, 2013

(I’m a cashier, but we have the phones by us and answer all calls. A woman calls and is frantic; she’s lost her iPhone and explains what it looks like. It’s slow, so I go and hunt for it. I find it and call her back.)

Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name] from [Store]. I found your phone and have it with me up at the registers. Whenever you’d like to come in and pick it up will be fine.”

Customer: “Oh, my God! Thank you, thank you! I’ll be in soon to grab it!”

(About 20 minutes later, a customer comes in and approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m the lady who lost her phone. Pink case, with white polka dots.”

Me: “Yep, I’ve got it right here. It wasn’t any trouble, really.”

Customer: “You’re the one who went and found it, right? Thank you so much! Here, take this!”

(She proceeds to put some money in my hand. I stammer and shake my head, but she insists.)

Customer: “I would’ve had to pay a lot more to replace the phone, and you were kind enough to find it and hold it for a klutz like me. I insist you take this and buy yourself something nice!”

(The customer then left, leaving me with a $40 tip that I used to buy sushi for my boyfriend and me!)

1 Thumbs
2,709

Not Worming Out Of This One

| Right | June 30, 2013

(I am on the phone with a customer.)

Customer: “What’s the best soil for my vegetable garden?”

Me: “[Brand] planting mix is an excellent soil for veggies. It’s all organic, and has chicken manure, kelp meal, and worm castings.”

Customer: “Worms? Like… worms?”

Me: “Earthworms, actually. Their castings… worm poop. It’s really good for the soil.”

Customer: “So the worms would be in my vegetables?”

Me: “No, it’s just their castings; they’ll be in the soil.”

Customer: “So when we eat the vegetables will there be worms?”

Me: “No… no worms, just their poop in the soil.”

Customer: “Yes, but will the worms be in our vegetables when we eat them?”

Me: “No… no worms.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes!”

Customer: “Ohhhhh kayyyyyyy.” *click!*

1 Thumbs
1,335

His Argument Isn’t Loaded

| Right | June 11, 2013

(A customer buys 30 heavy bags of mulch; each weighs 40lbs. They’re already on a cart and just need to be loaded. The customer is a young man.)

Customer: “So, yeah, I’ll need you to load these for me. I just had shoulder surgery.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I can call someone—”

Customer: “No, don’t call someone, then I’ll have to wait! You can load them.”

Me: “Well, actually, I pulled a muscle in my back, and I’m not supposed to be lifting heavy things. I’ll call someone for you.”

Customer: “That’s bull! You d*** b****! You’re just lazy!”

(An elderly customer comes over.)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, sir! How dare you speak to a young lady like that, and demand she load your mulch? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Customer: “F*** you! She’s just d*** lazy! I had shoulder surgery! This is ridiculous!”

Elderly Customer: “If you had shoulder surgery, how did you get all that mulch on the cart to start with?”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll load it my d*** self!”

(The customer storms off.)

Me: “Ma’am, you are my new favorite customer.”

1 Thumbs
3,704

A Garden Needs A Good Offence

| Right | May 12, 2013

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

(She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

(I am 21, but look younger.)

Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

(I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

(I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”

1 Thumbs
3,244