Gate Crasher

, | Right | October 7, 2016

(The greenhouse I work at is small and locally owned so the retail section has only a padlocked fence surrounding the area for security. When closing, I lock the gate, close and balance the cash register, and then need to physically remove the register and drive it over to another building. In order to get the register to my car, which is parked outside the fence, I unlock and open the gate. As I do so, a customer comes out from around the corner and darts inside the fenced area.)

Me: *calling out* “Ma’am! Ma’am! We are closed and I need you to leave the premise now and please come back tomorrow if you need to make purchases.”

Customer: “You’re not closed; the gate was unlocked and opened!”

Me: “I simply had to load some heavy equipment, but unfortunately we are closed. Even if I wanted to check you out, I couldn’t because the register has been closed down and locked up for the night.”

Customer: “But the gate was open! Can’t I just look around?”

Me: “You want me to wait while you look around, knowing you cannot actually make any purchases?”

Customer: “Yes! I want to pick out what I want and have you put it aside for me!”

Me: “I’m really sorry, ma’am, but you’ll really need to come back during business hours as I need to get to get to other buildings before they lock up for the night.”

Customer: “How rude! I expected better service from a store that relies on local business!” *storms off*

Me: “…”

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Throw Your Claws In The Air Like You Just Don’t Care

| Right | May 27, 2016

(A very softly spoken and serious middle-aged man approaches me.)

Customer: “Hello, do you have any stickers featuring aquatic life?”

Me: “Umm… we have some of those 3D gel stickers for windows. One set is a sea-themed one.”

Customer: “Excellent. Do they have any crustaceans?”

Me: “Uh, I’m pretty sure there’s a crab sticker in that pack.”

Customer: “And what position is the crab in?”

Me: “I… err… a common crab position, I believe? With its claws in the air?”

Customer: “Okay. Could you please direct me to these stickers?”

(I did. He bought them. He seemed pleased enough.)

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The Family Business Is None Of Yours

| Right | March 2, 2016

(I am watering plants, when a customer approaches the cashier. The customer is quite rude, arguing about prices, insisting the cashier is trying to rip her off, insulting her, and demanding a discount because she knows the manager, Mark. I merely smile and keep watering. The cashier is very polite and cheerful throughout.)

Customer: “Well, I want you to know that I’m never shopping here again! What happened to all the good cashiers that used to work out here? They’ve replaced them with a disrespectful jerk like you!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I’ve been at this store, in this department, for three years.”

Customer: “Oh, well…”

Cashier: “Yes, perhaps our paths just haven’t crossed?”

Customer: “Oh, I guess. I don’t usually come in on Tuesdays.”

(The cashier tactfully doesn’t reply that she comes in four days a week and sometimes more, if we need her.)

Customer: “But that doesn’t matter! I’m going to tell Mark that you wouldn’t give me my discount!”

Cashier: “John.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Cashier: “I said John. Mark hasn’t been the manager for over a year, since he was caught giving out unauthorized discounts.”

Customer: “Oh. Oh! Well, you… just wait! I’ll tell him, then!”

Cashier: “Of course, but before you do, you should probably know that he’s my stepfather.”

Customer: “F***!” *storms out*

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H2-Woah, Part 2

| Right | December 11, 2015

Customer: “Where is your cooler?”

Me: “Cooler?”

Customer: “Vending machine.”

Me: We don’t have a vending machine, but if you need some water, I can get you a glass of water.”

Customer: “You can go to Hell.”

Related
H2-Woah

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Not Mature About Manure

| Right | April 26, 2015

(I work in a store that sells gardening supplies and fertilizer. A customer calls our store.)

Me: “Hello! [Store], how may I help you today?”

Customer: “This may sound odd, but do you do… special orders?”

Me: “Yes, sir, what are you looking for exactly?”

Customer: “You see, my neighbour’s f******g kid decided to take a dump on my lawn as a prank, so I was wondering, do you… happen to make fertilizer out of human waste?”

(Thinking it was a prank, I decided to end the call.)

Me: “…No, sir. Have a good day.”

(30 seconds later, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello! [Store], how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hey, remember me? I wasn’t kidding about that thing.”

Me: “I am so sorry—”

Customer: “Listen, you b***! I need sweet revenge on this kid! He has been bothering me FOR MONTHS! Just make that s*** fertilizer and send it to his door for a ‘nice’ surprise. I need a good laugh.”

Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate you using a vulgar term, and NO, we will not even consider your request! Stop being an a** and don’t call back again!”

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