You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 3

, , | Right | April 26, 2010

Me: “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Can you tell me if you carry Chlamydia?”

Me: *long pause* “Um… I’m sorry, is this a plant you are looking for?”

Caller: “Yes! The pink one. You know, Chlamydia!”

Me: “Do you mean Cyclamen?”

Caller: “Yeah! Cyclamen, Chlamydia, they’re all the same thing. So, do you have anyone there that can give me some Chlamydia?”

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Product May Require A Certain Level Of Manurity

, , , , | Right | April 12, 2010

(A customer lifts a bag of steer manure onto the counter.)

Customer: “I’ve got a question. What makes steer manure different from mushroom manure?”

Me: “Well, steer manure is made from the droppings of–”

Customer: “Wait. You said droppings? As in waste?”

Me: “Yes, manure is made from decomposed waste.”

Customer: “So… what exactly is a steer?”

Me: “It’s just another name for a cow.”

Customer: “So steer manure is… oh, God. Oh, God!” *leaves without buying the manure*

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Watering Wonders

, | Right | April 29, 2009

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I have a faucet in my backyard, and I can’t get the water to the other side.”

Me: “You need a hose…”

Customer: “What is that?”

Me: “You connect it to the faucet, and the water travels through the hose to the other side.”

Customer: “These inventions these days; they’re incredible!”

Me: “…”

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You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Garden Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Yeah, I have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”

Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

(I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, I could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

Caller: “You’re sure? Because I don’t wanna die for smoking something I’m not supposed to.”

Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

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Preempting Stupidity

| Right | January 8, 2008

Manager: “When laying down the sod, make sure the green side goes up.”

Customer: “Are you serious? You have to tell me that the green side of the grass goes side up?”

Manager: “I wouldn’t have to say it if someone didn’t make the mistake.”

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