Not Worming Out Of This One

| Right | June 30, 2013

(I am on the phone with a customer.)

Customer: “What’s the best soil for my vegetable garden?”

Me: “[Brand] planting mix is an excellent soil for veggies. It’s all organic, and has chicken manure, kelp meal, and worm castings.”

Customer: “Worms? Like… worms?”

Me: “Earthworms, actually. Their castings… worm poop. It’s really good for the soil.”

Customer: “So the worms would be in my vegetables?”

Me: “No, it’s just their castings; they’ll be in the soil.”

Customer: “So when we eat the vegetables will there be worms?”

Me: “No… no worms, just their poop in the soil.”

Customer: “Yes, but will the worms be in our vegetables when we eat them?”

Me: “No… no worms.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes!”

Customer: “Ohhhhh kayyyyyyy.” *click!*

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His Argument Isn’t Loaded

| Right | June 11, 2013

(A customer buys 30 heavy bags of mulch; each weighs 40lbs. They’re already on a cart and just need to be loaded. The customer is a young man.)

Customer: “So, yeah, I’ll need you to load these for me. I just had shoulder surgery.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I can call someone—”

Customer: “No, don’t call someone, then I’ll have to wait! You can load them.”

Me: “Well, actually, I pulled a muscle in my back, and I’m not supposed to be lifting heavy things. I’ll call someone for you.”

Customer: “That’s bull! You d*** b****! You’re just lazy!”

(An elderly customer comes over.)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, sir! How dare you speak to a young lady like that, and demand she load your mulch? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Customer: “F*** you! She’s just d*** lazy! I had shoulder surgery! This is ridiculous!”

Elderly Customer: “If you had shoulder surgery, how did you get all that mulch on the cart to start with?”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll load it my d*** self!”

(The customer storms off.)

Me: “Ma’am, you are my new favorite customer.”

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A Garden Needs A Good Offence

| Right | May 12, 2013

Customer: “Excuse me, I have a ques—oh.”

(She folds her arms, and eyes me critically.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, I doubt you would know. You look awfully young.”

(I am 21, but look younger.)

Me: “I’m older than I look. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “No, I really don’t think you would know. You look like a d*** little kid!”

(I raise my eyebrows and stare at her.)

Customer: “I guess that was a little rude, huh.”

Me: “More than a little. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Like I said, I doubt it. I like that pink plant over there, but I don’t know anything about it.”

(I rattle off the plant’s name, sun preference, average height and width, and how often to water and fertilize it.)

Customer: “Huh! You did know all about it! I just seem to keep offending people today; every time I open my mouth!”

Me: “Maybe try keeping it shut.”

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Barking Up All The Trees

| Right | April 3, 2013

(I’m working in a garden center.)

Customer: “Hey, lady! Do you know something about plants?”

(I have a diploma in gardening, and been working here for five years.)

Me: “Yes, a lot actually.”

Customer: “I’m looking for a very specific plant. It’s very unique and it has flowers! And you have to feed it with water also!”

Me: “Okay… can you—”

Customer: “It’s kind of big also!”

Me: “Can you gave me a little bit more specification on that plant?”

Customer: “It has green leaves!”


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A Pal-Tree Understanding Of Plants

| Right | September 5, 2012

(A customer walks up with a dead, five foot tall maple sapling at the garden center where I work. It has been cut with a handsaw and has obviously been dead for a least three or four months.)

Customer: “I want a refund! You sold me this tree last summer, but in November the leaves all turned yellow, dried out, and fell off. I want a refund!”

Me: “So, in autumn your tree lost its leaves?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Sir, broad leaf trees in Canada like this do lose their leaves in the fall and then grow back in the spring. Your tree was just dormant for the winter.”

Customer: “But after the leaves all fell off, I put it in the garage! Now it’s spring, and the leaves aren’t growing back, so it must be defective. I want a refund NOW!”

Me: “When you put your tree into your garage in the fall, how did you get it in there?”

Customer: “I cut it!”

Me: “So, you cut it down and now you want a refund because it’s dead?”

Customer: “I want to speak to the owner!”

(I call the owner, who is a hard-nosed woman in her sixties.)

Owner: “What seems to be the problem sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, this tree you sold me last year is dead. I want a refund.”

Owner: “Was it alive before you put a saw to it?”

Customer: “Well, it was, and then in November all of the leaves turned yellow and fell off, so I cut it and put it in my garage. Now I want a refund!”

Owner: “Get out of here!”

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