Just Like Finding Nemo Is The Children’s Version Of Jaws

| Working | May 24, 2012

(I am in the staff room and overhear this conversation between two coworkers.)

Coworker #1: “I was watching Animal Farm with my son, but he didn’t like it very much.”

Coworker #2:Animal Farm? Isn’t that a bit scary for children?”

Coworker #1: “Well, it might have been Babe. I can’t remember.”

Coworker #2: “The films are a bit difficult to mix up! They’re completely different!”

Coworker #1: “No! Babe is just the children’s version of Animal Farm!”

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Cower Before My Shower Of Flowers

, | Right | April 17, 2012

(I am standing at the cash register of our store. A customer comes up and asks about our tulip bulbs, so I point them out and she goes over to them.)

Customer: “Well, aren’t you going to help me count them out?

Me: “Sure, ma’am, how many would you like?”

Customer: “500, obviously. You can’t expect me to do that on my own!”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, I’ll help you for the moment.”

(As we reach the 200-tulip mark, three other customers finish their shopping and line up at the cash. I’m the only cashier, so I go to help.)

Customer: “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?! I don’t have 500 yet!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I need to ring these people through. I’m the only cashier on duty. I can help you again once I’m finished.”

Customer: “You b****! You said you would help me, and now you want to back out? I can’t believe this!”

(Suddenly, the customer throws her bagged tulips onto the floor, scattering them everywhere. She then grabs handfuls of bulbs from the bin, throws them around the store, stands up, and marches out.)

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Pan-bi-a-trans-homo-heterosexual

| Right | October 19, 2011

(I have been helping a customer find an apple tree he wants to give as a gift.)

Me: “Just so you’re aware, if the person you’re buying this for doesn’t have another apple tree, or there isn’t one close by, this tree isn’t going to produce any fruit.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, apple trees only produce fruit through cross-pollination.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Well, the simplest way for me to explain is: People are unable to reproduce with themselves, right?”

Customer: “So, is this tree male or female?”

Me: “Well, apple trees are asexual.”

Customer: “So, it’s gay?!”

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Pleased To Make Your Transmittance

, | Right | May 6, 2011

Customer #1: “Oh, look! They’ve got cape gooseberries! I’ve got to get one!”

Customer #2: “Cape gooseberries? What are those?”

Me: “They’re the round orange fruits in a husk. They’re also called Physalis–”

Customer #2: “Oh! Syphilis! Yes, I know those!”

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(Jack) Bauer-style Flowers

| Right | February 6, 2011

(I work at a retail greenhouse and we have had a severe rainstorm. Several shingles came crashing through the glass roof. My coworkers and I are waiting in the shed until the boss shows up. We are stopping people from entering the store.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. You can’t go in there.”

Customer: “What? I just need to buy this flat of petunias.”

Me: “I understand, but the roof is shattering in there. It’s not safe.”

Customer: “You can’t stop me from going in. I risked my life driving here to get these petunias. I’m going in.”

(She goes in the store, where glass is still shattering. We can see her through the glass doors waiting at the register. After a minute she comes out furious.)

Customer: “Which one of you is the cashier? Can’t you see I’m waiting to pay?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t go back in. The roof is shattering and it is dangerous.”

Customer: “You’re all a bunch of wimps! I risked my life getting here. I need to buy these petunias!”

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