Pan-bi-a-trans-homo-heterosexual

| Right | October 19, 2011

(I have been helping a customer find an apple tree he wants to give as a gift.)

Me: “Just so you’re aware, if the person you’re buying this for doesn’t have another apple tree, or there isn’t one close by, this tree isn’t going to produce any fruit.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, apple trees only produce fruit through cross-pollination.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Well, the simplest way for me to explain is: People are unable to reproduce with themselves, right?”

Customer: “So, is this tree male or female?”

Me: “Well, apple trees are asexual.”

Customer: “So, it’s gay?!”

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Pleased To Make Your Transmittance

, | Right | May 6, 2011

Customer #1: “Oh, look! They’ve got cape gooseberries! I’ve got to get one!”

Customer #2: “Cape gooseberries? What are those?”

Me: “They’re the round orange fruits in a husk. They’re also called Physalis–”

Customer #2: “Oh! Syphilis! Yes, I know those!”

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(Jack) Bauer-style Flowers

| Right | February 6, 2011

(I work at a retail greenhouse and we have had a severe rainstorm. Several shingles came crashing through the glass roof. My coworkers and I are waiting in the shed until the boss shows up. We are stopping people from entering the store.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. You can’t go in there.”

Customer: “What? I just need to buy this flat of petunias.”

Me: “I understand, but the roof is shattering in there. It’s not safe.”

Customer: “You can’t stop me from going in. I risked my life driving here to get these petunias. I’m going in.”

(She goes in the store, where glass is still shattering. We can see her through the glass doors waiting at the register. After a minute she comes out furious.)

Customer: “Which one of you is the cashier? Can’t you see I’m waiting to pay?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t go back in. The roof is shattering and it is dangerous.”

Customer: “You’re all a bunch of wimps! I risked my life getting here. I need to buy these petunias!”

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Build Up Of Hot Air

| Right | November 11, 2010

(Our store is mostly outdoors, but it has a small greenhouse where cafe customers often sit and have coffee.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I would like to sit in the greenhouse. Could you open a vent for me?”

Me: “Actually, when it’s windy like today it rattles a lot when the doors are open, so you might be more comfortable with them closed.”

Customer: “But we can’t sit in there without ventilation. What about the greenhouse gas?!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Greenhouse gas! Like global warming! You can’t let people sit in there if you’re letting the greenhouse gas build up!”

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No Brains And The Bees

, | Right | June 16, 2010

Customer: “Excuse me, but do you have anything I can spray on my flowers to keep the bees off them?”

Me: “You want to keep the bees off your flowers?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you sell that?”

Me: “Do you understand how flowers work?”

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