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Stick To Tinker Toys, Bro

, , , , , , | Related | December 1, 2023

Toddlers have more maturity than my twenty-seven-year-old brother-in-law. It doesn’t help that he has the case of youngest child syndrome and thinks everything should be handed to him.

My husband and I are walking the dog Saturday evening.

Me: “I noticed [Friend #1] was online last night. Did you end up playing [Co-op Game #1] all night?”

Husband: “[Friend #2] also showed up. It seemed like both of them already had plans to play [Co-op Game #2], and I was really down for that.”

Me: “Sounds like a lot of fun.”

Husband: “I was really excited for it, and then [Brother-In-Law] jumped in and said he wanted to play [Co-op Game #3], instead. Apparently, he had a really bad experience where [Friend #2] beat him really badly at [Game #2], so he has a lot of ‘trauma’ associated with it.”

Me: “So, basically, he threw a fit because he lost to his friend.”

Husband: “Yeah, pretty much.”

Me: “Well, what did he play instead while you played [Game #2]?”

Husband: “I ended up not playing with them because he would’ve gotten pouty.”

Me: “So, you gave into his tantrum.”

Husband: “He would’ve ruined the night by sulking.”

Me: “Sounds like he already did.”

Husband: “Yeah… I guess.”

Me: “How about next time we just let him throw his man-trum and stop giving into his hissy fits?”

Husband: “I know…”

When I relayed it to a friend, she scoffed at my husband’s “big little brother”. And I have to say, that is exactly what he is: a giant baby.

You May Be “Almost There”, But I Am Come Hither To WIN

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2023

A few years ago for Halloween, I came up with the idea to go as Anne Boleyn — after she had been beheaded. My plan was to make a fake wound around my neck and use liquid latex and twine to appear as if my head had been stitched back on. I set about making a gown and French hood — admittedly not the best, as I’m not an experienced seamstress.

However, my two best guy friends heard about my idea, and they WANTED IN. Only two of King Henry VIII’s wives were beheaded — Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard — so [Friend #1] decided to go as the deposed Catherine of Aragon, who died after being cast aside and neglected.

So, more sewing, French and Gable hoods, and ta-da! Three of King Henry VIII’s wives were ready to go. [Friend #2] and I did the stitched-on-head makeup, and [Friend #1] made himself up to be very gaunt and wraith-like.

Our local civic center holds Halloween events with a wide variety of costume contests you can enter for $10 per applicant. We entered the Historical contest (as a group), the Young Adult (eighteen to twenty-three) contest, and the Overall contest. We considered the Royalty contest, but seeing as those contestants seemed to be mostly children between six and thirteen, we decided beheaded wives weren’t appropriate and left that one to the Disney princesses.

We took first place in the Historical category, and surprisingly, we also won the Young Adult contest. In the Overall contest, we were a runner-up.

The prizes for first place were phenomenal — giant baskets full of gift cards and candy, and other random items like autumn-themed candles, coffees, and teas — so we were thrilled. 

However, the runner-up in the Young Adult contest was a young lady dressed in an absolutely stunning Tiana dress (from Disney’s “The Princess And The Frog”), which must have taken a lot of time and skill to make. She was not thrilled that we’d taken first and she’d taken runner-up.

She approached us, pointed an accusing finger at [Friend #1] and [Friend #2], and announced:

Tiana: “THOSE ARE MEN!”

Yes, [Friend #1] is male and [Friend #2] is masculine-presenting intersex. But who cares? Our costumes rocked, and if you can’t dress up as King Henry VIII’s dead wives with your best guy friends, what even is the point of Halloween?

Nobody was really paying Tiana any attention, so she said it louder. 

Tiana: “THOSE ARE MEN! IN DRESSES! MEN IN DRESSES!”

A few people looked, saw that, yes, my friends were in drag, rolled their eyes, and looked away. After all, it’s Halloween. Gender-bending is completely normal. 

Seeing that she wasn’t getting any attention, Tiana stomped off. 

We were hanging around, waiting to have our pictures taken for the civic center’s website, when we heard a commotion with the judges. I didn’t hear all of it, but the gist of it was that Tiana’s mother was complaining that our costumes “weren’t real” because men couldn’t be queens and that we shouldn’t have won because we weren’t “authentic”.

Trust me; we used historical sources for our dress and hood designs and based them on paintings of each of the wives. They weren’t hand-stitched or made of the same materials, but this isn’t the 1500s and we didn’t have infinite time or funds. 

Tiana’s mother got nowhere with the judges. But the next day, on Facebook, the civic center’s page with the photos and announcements had a ton of complaints from one person about how the contest was racist and sexist and how men had been allowed in women’s spaces. 

And if you went to the page of the woman complaining, guess what? Tons of photos of her daughter in the Tiana dress. 

I can understand being upset that she didn’t win first in either the Young Adult or Royalty categories — the dress was absolutely amazing and a lot of work must have gone into it — but there’s such a thing as losing gracefully and trying again next year.

Not Just The Customers Getting Carried Away

, , , , , | Right | October 24, 2023

At the store where I used to work, I was the one who usually went to the service desk to sign off on returns. This was basically because I was the one who was willing to do it, but also because I didn’t mind looking things over.

One day, I had a return on a Nintendo DS. It had no scuffs or anything, and everything else looked good… except that the box said there should be two styli, and I only found the one in the slot on the back of the device. Maybe the DS could’ve been damaged out, but since I had never been told otherwise, I told both the customer service representative and the customers that I couldn’t accept the return.

A coworker swung by electronics later to talk to me.

Coworker: “You ought to have someone walk you out when you leave. After you walked away from those customers with the DS, I heard them saying they were going to ‘get you’ later.”

As luck would have it, an ex-turned-friend came by to look at video games before my shift was over. I told him what happened, and he didn’t just WALK me to my car when the time came; he CARRIED me like he did when we were dating.

I imagine the angry customers were long gone, but if they weren’t, they sure got quite a show!

Just Stick With “Tetris” And Be Done With It

, , , , , , , | Right | October 15, 2023

An older man comes into the store.

Customer: “I need to buy my ten-year-old grandson a video game. What do ten-year-olds like?”

Me: “Well, there are a lot of options! Do you know what games he’s enjoyed before?”

Customer: “To be honest, I haven’t a f****** clue about any of this stuff! But his mother wants me to get him a game, and it needs to be godly!”

Me: “Godly? As in…”

Customer: “Something appropriate! Nothing ungodly!”

Me: “Okay, well, we have lots of family-friendly games available.”

I figure out that he has a PlayStation (that is a story in its own right) and start going through some options.

Me:Ratchet & Clank is a fun platformer that—”

Customer: “No, he’s holding a gun. That’s too violent.”

Me: “Well, Gran Turismo is a racing game that—”

Customer: “No! Luxury cars are a sign of greed! One of the deadly sins!”

Me: “Well, we have this soccer game that—”

Customer: “So he can start to copy the hedonistic lifestyles of those soccer players with all their drugs and prostitutes?! No, thank you!”

Me: “Sir… I don’t think I can help you. Maybe if you came here with your grandson you would have more luck.”

Customer: “You’re supposed to help me! F****** useless! Wait, what about this one?”

He picks up a copy of “God Of War”.

Me: “That’s a pretty violent game, sir, and I wouldn’t recommend it for a ten-year-old.”

Customer: “It’s got God in the title, ain’t it? I’ll take this one.”

I’m just happy to be at the end of this conversation.

Me: “Okay… but I’ll include a gift receipt just in case.” 

The cover of the game has a man wielding a giant axe, but hey, at least it wasn’t a cartoony ray gun!

Some People Hit Vegas To Relax. Then, There’s This Guy.

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 14, 2023

I visited Las Vegas and decided to gamble for the first time in my life. I went to see what craps was because I’d seen it in movies. It’s… not actually as fun as it looks.

I played it safe the whole time and lowballed my bets, but this other guy was matching my bets with larger, outrageous amounts of money. By the time I walked away, I was about a hundred up, which I later wound up spending on fancy meals

The guy who had been matching my bets was something like a hundred thousand up.

Later that night, when I was crossing the same casino floor, the guy confronted me and accused me of spoiling his luck by leaving early. After I left he’d kept betting for a while, and he ended up losing his hundred thousand and then some.

He was pissed and shouted at me about this. Security showed up fairly quickly, and when the guy tried to step closer to me — whether to hit me, to scream in my face, or what, I’m not sure — they grabbed him and escorted him away.

I decided that I was done gambling for the rest of my trip and went on to enjoy the shows, scenery, snacks, and sex of Las Vegas instead.