(It’s my birthday. I am surprised to open a present from my girlfriend: a brand new Xbox. I am even more surprised to see the box open, and every game open, too. I turn on the console and find game files for each game. I question my girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “Yeah, I gave it to my brother.”

Me: “You gave my present to your brother? Why?”

Girlfriend: “Well, he wanted to try it.”

Me: “Try it? He has completed some of the games, and the console is filthy!”

Girlfriend: “What? I don’t see what the big deal is here.”

(The family was a constant issue the whole time we were together; it eventually caused us to break up, then ruin her eventual marriage. She blindly defends them even today.)

Related:
Ex-Box, Part 3
Ex-Box, Part 2
Ex-Box

(I grew up on the Final Fantasy series, but stopped playing games from that franchise around #8, and lost track of them entirely around #10. My brother’s in the kitchen one night, discussing upcoming game purchases. Note that his style of humor is quite deadpan, while I’m not great at social cues to begin with, so if there’s an in-joke here, I wouldn’t even pick up on it.)

Brother: “I’m having trouble deciding whether to buy Final Fantasy XIII, XIII-2, or XIII-3.”

Me: “Have they been taking their counting lessons from Microsoft?”

(I’m running and playing in a poker night at a pub, with a fixed pot of about £40. I go to raise on one hand and count the chips as I’m putting them in.)

Me: “I raise to… four… six… nine-hundred.”

Player: “That doesn’t count! The rules say you have to put it in in one movement. The casinos wouldn’t allow it!”

Me: “Yes, but we’re not in the casinos; we’re in the pub and it doesn’t matter that much. You’re not even in this hand.”

Player: “It does matter. Rules are important.”

Me: “So… Shall we agree to play by casino rules from now on?”

Player: “Yes!”

Me: “All right.”

(A few hands later, it’s my turn to deal. Everyone folds on the flop.)

Player: “So, what would have come up then?”

Me: “I can’t show you that.”

Player: “I just want to see what I would have got.”

Me: “We agreed to play by casino rules. You can’t flip through dead hands. It’s known as ‘rabbit hunting.’”

(Later:)

Player: “All in.”

Me: “Put them in, then.”

Player: “We’ll sort that out afterwards.”

Me: “No. Casino rules say only chips beyond the line count.”

(He tries to put his chips in, a couple of stacks at a time.)

Me: “And you have to do it in one movement, too.”

(I spend quite a bit of time at the video game arcade playing one of those two-person fighting games. There, I meet another player that frequents the place as much as I do. We often choose random characters when playing against each other, just for fun. One day, as we are playing, a young man comes in and puts his token on the machine to indicate he wants to be the next person to play. My arcade friend beats me and I let the new guy take my place as the next challenger. He goes on to beat my friend with some nice moves.)

Friend: “That was pretty good.”

Stranger: “Yeah, well, I come from [Major City] and there, if you aren’t good, they throw you out of the arcade.”

(Next it is my turn. I beat him, after he only gets in one hit.)

Friend: *in a deadpan voice* “Well, that’s how we play around here.”

(The young man did not stick around for a repeat performance.)

(I’m playing some improv D&D in a club, which means there aren’t levels or anything and you make up your equipment. Our group is fighting two enemies as a boss fight. One of them is incredibly strong and can knock anyone out with a single punch, and the other has a ray gun which knocks anyone out but needs to charge. I’m next to the guy with a ray gun and I’m without a weapon.)

Dungeon Master: “[Guy With Ray Gun]’s turn. He charges up his gun.”

Friend #1: “Okay. I try to shoot him in the face, then take the ray gun from him and aim it at him.”

(He rolls a 19.)

Dungeon Master: “You succeed in shooting him in the face. He screams in pain and drops the ray gun, and you dart over and pick it up, charging it to aim at him. [My Name], your turn.”

Me: “Uh, what’s [Guy With Ray Gun] doing right now?”

Dungeon Master: “He is trying to pull the arrow out of his face.”

Me: “I don’t have a weapon, so I can’t directly attack him, and since he doesn’t understand our language, I can’t talk to him, correct?”

Dungeon Master: “I mean, you could try to attack him with your bare fists, but…”

Me: “Okay, I try to tickle him in the armpits, to distract him and hopefully incapacitate him with laughter, so [Friend #1] can hit him next turn.”

(I roll a seven; it’s not a very good roll considering [Guy With Ray Gun] is using a thirty sided die.)

Dungeon Master: *rolls* “Um, I guess that works. You tickle him. He stands there unfazed, and then suddenly drops to the ground, dead.”

(The entire group burst out in laughter. Apparently the arrow had almost killed him and he rolled a one. The strong guy spent the rest of the game focusing all his attacks on me, so I nearly died and never got another turn, but we won, so all’s well that ends well!)