Call Of Duty: Misogynist Warfare, Part 6

, , , , | Right | October 26, 2020

I own a local video game store. I occasionally host tournaments, and the prize or prize money is something usually high-value, such as a $100 gift card. All of the signups for the tournament are done ahead of time, but occasionally, I will take people who show up the day of if there’re still slots open. Today, I’m hosting a tournament for Super Smash Bros. I’m female.

Me: “All right, so we have [short list of names] for the first bracket!”

Random Guy: “Which bracket am I in?”

Me: “What’s your name?”

Random Guy: “[Random Guy].”

I check my list. He’s not on there. I look at my signup list and he’s not on there, either.

Me: “Huh, I don’t have you on my lists. When did you sign up?”

Random Guy: “Oh, I never did. But I was told I could just show up!”

Me: “You’re welcome to spectate, and if tournament day comes around and there’re still spots open, yes, you could sign up, but since I filled up on spots about a week ago there’s no way to do that.”

Random Guy: “Well, the owner said I could!”

He has a smug look on his face. One of my regulars looks at him.

Regular: “The owner did? Really?”

Random Guy: “Yeah! He said to show up and he’d find me a spot!”

All of my regulars start laughing. The random guy suddenly looks unsure and confused.

Random Guy: “What? He did!”

Me: “Buddy, then you got lied to. I’m the owner. I never tell people they can show up the day of and be guaranteed a spot.”

Random Guy: “But… you’re a girl!”

Me: “Yeah, what about it?”

Random Guy: “Girls don’t play video games! You probably just got hired to look pretty!”

My regular hands me his controller.

Regular: “How about you two fight one-on-one? If girls can’t play video games, it’ll be an easy win.”

Everyone pretty much agrees for us to play. The random guy jumps at the chance. We start… and he loses miserably. Once the game is over, he dumps his controller on a table and storms out.

Regular: “So, are you gonna tell him you’re the top player of this game in pretty much the whole city?”

Me: “No, girls don’t play video games.”

Now any time they sign up, my regulars ask if they can “just show up” to get a spot.

Call Of Duty: Misogynist Warfare, Part 5
Call Of Duty: Misogynist Warfare, Part 4
Call Of Duty: Misogynist Warfare, Part 3
Call Of Duty: Misogynist Warfare, Part 2
Call Of Duty: Misogynist Warfare

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Elephants Never Forget; Not So With Humans

, , , , , , , | Related | October 22, 2020

My family is playing board games one night, and we are playing a game where you build a city and place people in it to gain points. My mom places her tile but doesn’t have any people to place on her tile so she doesn’t get any points.

Me: “That’s what you get for spreading yourself too thin. Wasn’t that Napoleon’s problem?”

Brother: “No, he attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “Then who am I thinking of?”

Brother: “Alexander the Great. But he also attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “But he had elephants.”

Brother: “No, that was Hannibal.”

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This Game Was A Titanic Undertaking

, , , , , | Friendly | October 20, 2020

My friends buy what looks like a silly board game simulating an escape from the Titanic and we sit down to play. To progress through the three levels of a ship, the players must land on specific spaces in each level. Each player also starts with a bellhop token that can be used to gain certain benefits and can be acquired by other players if they land on your space. The approximate playtime is ninety minutes. Simple, right?

Nope! Due to questionable game design and terrible luck with die rolls, in four hours, only three people have progressed to level three, two of whom have acquired all the bellhop tokens, and two players are stuck on level two. Then, the person who has the best chance of winning and ending this torment for us all lands on a square that sends them back to level one.

Player On Level One: “That’s it! I’m done!”

The player rolls high enough to move to a space on a game board next to a porthole.

Player On Level One: “I jump out the porthole.”

[Players On Level Two] also roll high enough to move to the side of the board.

Players On Level Two: “So do we!”

[Players On Level Three] don’t bother rolling.

Players On Level Three: “We lash our bellhops together into a raft and jump off the ship!”

And that’s how five stubborn adults rage-quit a children’s board game.

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Not Just Impostors, But Cheaters Are Among Us

, , , , , | Friendly | October 19, 2020

I’m playing a certain online game where one player is given the objective of killing the others in secret while the others have to figure out who the killer is and vote them off before it’s too late. Players are not allowed to communicate with each other during normal gameplay except during a meeting, and dead players are not allowed to communicate at all.

In this particular game, I get assigned as the killer. I get a few decent kills in, and then one player calls a meeting.

Player #1: “It’s [My Name]! They just killed my friend! He just texted me.”

Player #2: “Okay.”

All the remaining players immediately vote for me without regard to the blatant cheating. I hold off on my vote, though, so I can object.

Me: “Dude, that’s f****** cheating!”

Player #1: “[Player #5] is my friend. They said you killed them. RIP.”

Player #3: “How is it cheating?”

Player #4: “Yeah, [Player #1] figured out it was you.”

Me: “Only because their friend texted them.”

Player #3: “So?”

Me: “Communicating outside the game isn’t allowed.”

Player #1: “Says who?”

Me: “Says the creator.”

Player #2: “Show us where exactly it says we can’t text each other.”

At this point, the vote timer ran out and I got voted off before I could respond. I immediately left the lobby and searched for a new one. The next lobby wasn’t much better. After I got chosen as the killer again, the host banned me from the lobby out of spite just for killing them.

Not all my games have been this bad, but it still felt pretty sour to get two scummy lobbies in a row.

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Dragons Are Fine, But Female Gamers? Come On!

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 12, 2020

As a teenager, I am an avid fantasy reader. My brother and I are both into tabletop roleplay, as well, and we both have separate groups of friends we play with regularly. Also, I wish it didn’t matter, but as this story will unfortunately show that it very much does, I’m a girl.

Me: “Hey, do you think I could join your group for the next campaign? My group is having a bit of downtime due to life and other responsibilities at the moment.”

Brother: “I don’t know if we’re gonna do another one just now. I’m kind of worn out as GM. I just wanna play for a bit, but none of the others are interested in the position.”

Me: “Oh, I could do that. I don’t mind at all!”

Brother: “Oh, cool! That’d be great! We can do a test run in two weeks and see how everyone thinks it works!”

I am thrilled and immediately set to work preparing. Since I am ahead in my school studies and on top of all my homework, I decide to use our free study period for prep work.

Some guys from another class happen to be seated next to me, and of course, they spot my pile of rule books and papers.

Student #1: “Wait, what are you doing with those?”

Student #2: *Snickering* “Yeah, girls can’t roleplay!”

Since I am busy, unwilling to bother class, and also uninterested in debating with morons, I just raise an eyebrow, look over at them, and go:

Me: “Okay?”

When they didn’t manage to come up with any intelligible answers to that after a few seconds, I returned to my books and ignored them for the rest of the class. If anything, their comments spurred me to prepare even better to make sure of an epic test run for the people that I thought knew better.

I turned out I was wrong; when my brother had let the group know a — gasp! — female was going to be the GM, they all decided it would probably be so bad it wasn’t even worth showing up. 

Joke’s on them, though; my brother joined my group, instead, and we had lots of fun for several campaigns to come. His old group ended up disbanding since no one would step up as GM for them.

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