Got Their Insults All Lined Up

, , , , | Right | March 13, 2018

(I am working at the service desk, which is not within sight of the registers, when an older man stomps up to me.)

Customer: *loudly* “Excuse me. Can you count past two?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Wha—”

Customer: “You must not be able to, or maybe you didn’t notice that there’s only two registers open!”

Me: “Sir, there’s no reason to insult my intelligence. I haven’t been on the front; I have nothing to do with there only being two registers open—”

Customer: *cutting me off* “You’re insulting my intelligence, making me stand in line!” *stomps off*

They Need A Diet Coke Break, Break

, , , , , | Right | January 24, 2018

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get you to drink?”

Customer: “Can I get a diet Coke with extra caffeine?”

Me: “You want me to put extra caffeine in your diet Coke?”

(The customer looks at me as if I’m an idiot.)

Customer: “Yes! Just put the extra caffeine in my drink!”

(I ended up just giving her a regular diet coke.)

Sub-Standard Substitutions

, , , , | Working | December 25, 2017

(My partner and I don’t normally go to chain restaurants, but for Christmas we receive a gift card to a well-known Italian style restaurant. I’m struggling to find something I can eat with my dietary restrictions. I see something that looks good, but it’s being offered as a “pairing” with sirloin, which I can’t eat.)

Me: “Excuse me; I’m just curious if you possibly offer the lobster ravioli by itself, or with something besides sirloin. I can’t eat red meat.”

Server: “Um, I don’t think… we can’t offer it except in the pairing.”

Me: “Okay, could I substitute something else for the sirloin?”

Server: “Um, I guess… you could get shrimp added for an up-charge.”

Me: “And it would substitute the sirloin?”

Server: “No, you’d get sirloin, shrimp, and the lobster ravioli!”

Me: “I can’t eat sirloin, though. So, it’s not possible to substitute?”

Server: “I, um… I could add the shrimp and you could just not eat the sirloin.”

Me: “So I’d pay more, but have the kitchen waste the sirloin…?”

Server: “…I guess.”

Me: “No thanks, I’ll just get the shrimp scampi.”

(If you don’t do substitutions, just say so!)

The Lightbulb Moment That Never Came

, , , , , , , | Related | December 16, 2017

My mother-in-law-to-be is very sweet, but is hopelessly clueless about some things. For example, she thinks that a thief can access your bank account if they find your receipt for something you bought, and she thinks she finds “shortcuts” when driving that actually make the trip twice as long.

Recently, my fiancé and I went on a weekend vacation and asked her to house sit and feed our cats. I realized that I’d left a light on that I didn’t mean to, and told my fiancé to ask her to turn if off next time she visited. Big mistake.

He texted her with this request, she said she would turn the light off when she stopped by our house next, and we went about our vacation. Later, my fiancé noticed several missed calls from his mother and finally a text:

“I’ve been here for over an hour, and I can’t figure out how to turn the light off!”

We were baffled, as it was a small, simple box lamp with a switch on the back and a cord going into the wall. Nothing more, nothing less. He called her, but she said she’d already left our house. “She was there for… an hour?” I asked, incredulous at the thought that something as simple as locating a switch on a small object was so daunting. He rolled his eyes and tried to explain to her how to turn it off when she next returned.

On her next trip, she still couldn’t figure it out. So, the lamp remained on all weekend, and when I next saw her, she complained about how it was just impossible to turn off. I still have yet to understand how a box with a switch was so perplexing… and why she didn’t just unplug it.

Ahhthentically Dense

, , , , , | Right | December 11, 2017

(I work at a pizza place. I take a call. I’m not sure if the caller is drunk or high, but there is no getting through to him!)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant] on [Street]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?

Caller: “Yes, I have a coupon for the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir.” *verifying this is a delivery and getting the address* “What would you like on that?”

Caller: “That’s what I want. The ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, sir, and what toppings would you like on that pizza?”

Caller: “That’s what I want, the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Sir, that’s not a pizza; that’s our slogan.”

Caller: “Okay.”

Me: “What would you like on your pizza?”

Caller: “I want the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Yes, but that’s not a pizza; that’s our slogan. What would you like on your pizza?”

Caller: “Yes, I want the ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza.”

Me: “Sir, what does the coupon say?”

Caller: “It says a large three-topping ‘ahhthentic’ Italian pizza for [amount].”

Me: “All right, sir, and what three toppings would you like?”

Caller: “I want [three toppings], and I want a cheesy bread and a two-liter drink.”

Me: “All right, sir, your total is [total].”

Caller: “Why is it so much? The coupon is for [price on coupon]!”

Me: “Yes, sir; the coupon is only good for the pizza. The cheesy bread is [amount], the two-liter drink is [amount], and the delivery fee is [amount].”

Caller: “Oh, okay.”

(Some people shouldn’t be allowed access to phones, or be left alone without intelligent adult supervision.)

Page 1/212
Next »