I Don’t Work Here Is Lost In Translation

| Midlands, England, UK | Right | April 4, 2014

(I work in a department store, but am not employed by that company so I can’t handle their furniture or answer questions about it either. To help customers realise there is a difference, I tend to wear coloured clothes as the host store staff can only wear black. I’m currently cleaning a selection of finishes and the customer beckons me over.)

Customer: “Thank god we found someone. Now, we want something that is full wood. Nothing veneered and nothing of this chipboard rubbish. Do you have any?”

Me: “My company doesn’t do full wood pieces, only veneers. If you find any of the ladies or gents in black who are in charge of [Host Store]’s stock, they’ll be able to help you. I’m a rep from a different company so I don’t know their stock.”

Customer: “No.” *starts to slow her speech down* “Do you have any full wood pieces?”

Me: “Like I said, I don’t, but if you find one of the ladies or gents in black they may have some.”

Customer: *slowing down to the pace you’d use to teach babies new words now* “Dooo yoooou haaaave aaaanny fuuuuull woooooood piiiiieeeces?”

Me: “No. As I’ve said, my company doesn’t but [Host Store] may do.”

Customer: “You really don’t understand what I’m saying and you sound foreign!”

Me: “Eigentlich bin ich aus Deutschland, aber ich war in England angehoben. Ich versichere Ihnen, ich verstehe dich, aber ich kann nicht sagen, das Gefühl.” *Actually I am from Germany, but I was raised in England. I assure you I understand you, but I can’t say the feeling is mutual*

(With that the customer stormed off and I saw her repeating the whole thing again to one of the Host Store people.)

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A Deep Seated Scammer

| San Jose, CA, USA | Working | September 5, 2013

(I’ve gone with my boss to look at new desk chairs for our office.)

Me: “This one’s comfy!”

My Boss: “How much is that one?”

Salesman: “$280.”

Me: “Really? But it looks just like this one in the catalog that’s $179.”

Salesman: “No, see how the back is different?”

Me: “A little.”

My Boss: “I’m buying a lot of chairs. Is it possible to get a discount?”

Salesman: “No, $280 is the price. Plus delivery.”

My Boss: “Delivery? I’ve bought furniture from you a dozen times, and you’ve never charged us for delivery! We’re around the corner from you!”

Salesman: “Sorry, our prices are set.”

(The manager, whom my boss has done business with before, enters the showroom.)

Manager: “Hi, nice to see you again. What are you looking for?”

My Boss: “I want a set of office chairs, but your salesman said you can’t go below $280 for these. And are you charging for delivery now?”

Manager: “$280? That chair is $150! And no, we don’t charge for delivery.”

My Boss: *to salesman* “Is that true?”

(The salesman’s ears turn red.)

Manager: *to my boss* “I’m handling your account from now on.”

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Un-American Idiots

| Italy | Right | August 17, 2013

(I work at a pretty popular furniture store. A girl and her friend come in. After looking around for a bit and giggling to themselves, the girls come up to me.)

Girl #1: “Hi. Yeah… we… like… we wanted to know… do you guys sell band members here?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Girl #1: “Yeah! Band members! Like, you know, people who are in bands and play music?”

Me: “Oh! No, we don’t really sell band posters, sorry.”

Girl #1: “No! Not posters! We want band members!”

Me: “What? You mean you want me to sell you the actual band members? As in the actual people who play in the band?”

Both Girls: “Yeah!”

Me: “I’m sorry… I don’t think we have any in stock, and we’re probably not going to get some anytime soon. Actually, I think no store will have what you’re looking for, girls.”

Girl #1: “Aw, really?”

Girl #2: “Come on… Are you sure? Not even clones?”

Me: “Yeah, I think the most you will find will be posters and band merchandise. With pictures of them, maybe, but not the actual people. I’m very sorry.”

Both Girls: “Aw… it’s okay; sorry for bothering you.”

(As they walk away, I overhear them talking.)

Girl #2: “Aw, I really wanted a Billie Joe Armstrong.”

Girl #1: “Yeah… I guess our best bet is asking Adrienne if she’s willing to share.”

Girl #2: “Yep, we should do it. I mean, it’s like… It’s not like I want to marry him or something. I just want to be his friend. and cuddle with him, and pet his hair. Don’t forget about petting his hair.”

Girl #1: “Same here! Hmm, you know what this means, right?”

Girl #2: “Yeah. Let’s ask her on both Twitter and Instagram until she finally answers.”

(My manager has heard everything, and comes over to me laughing. We’re both huge Green Day fans.)

Manager: “Oh, God… Were they… really?

Me: “Yeah.”

(My manager starts singing to the tune of the chorus of the song “Stray Heart”.)

Manager: “Everything that they want, they want from him, but they just can’t have him. Everything that they need, they need from therapy, but they won’t realize it.”

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My Coworker Is An Airhead

| Orlando, FL, USA | Working | May 22, 2013

(My coworker is filling balloons with helium to decorate our furniture store.)

Coworker #1: “Did you know that if you fill one of those balloons with twice as much helium, it’ll be twice as weightless?”

Coworker #2: “Really?”

Coworker #1: “Yep!”

Me: “Um, you know that helium isn’t truly weightless, don’t you? It may become more buoyant, but it isn’t ever weightless.”

Coworker #1: “That’s not true. Helium is weightless. How else would it make the balloon float? So it stands to reason that twice as much would be twice as weightless!”

Me: “No, weightless means zero weight. By your logic, twice zero is zero, but helium isn’t weightless. It’s simply that helium is lighter than the gases comprising air. Take the example of a bubble rising to the surface of water because the water is heavier than air.”

Coworker #1: “But air doesn’t have weight either! Can you feel it?” ”

(To demonstrates his point, he fans the air in front of himself.)

Coworker #1: *triumphantly* “NO!”

Me: *facepalm*

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It’s Taking Extra-Long For This Clerk To Figure It Out

| WA, USA | Working | April 10, 2013

(My parents are buying furniture for their new home. My dad wanders off to look at sofas, while mom goes to buy a bed. Note:  Mom is 4’11”.)

Mom:  “Hi! I’d like to buy an extra-long bed.”

Clerk: “You don’t need an extra-long bed. Let me show you our regular beds.”

Mom:  “No, you don’t understand. I DO need an extra-long bed!”

Clerk:  “Ma’am, I don’t want to disagree with a customer, but you clearly do NOT need an extra-long bed.”

Mom:  “Please, will you just show me the extra-long beds?”

Clerk:  “Ma’am, I keep telling you, you don’t need an extra-long bed!”

(At this point my dad shows up… all 6’3″ of him. He walks over to Mom and puts his arm around her.)

Clerk: “You need an extra-long bed!”

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