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You’ve Burned Your Bed And Now You Must Lie In It

, , , | Right | December 7, 2020

This is a chat transcript from the online support of our furniture store.

Guest: “Hi, I need a new bed.”

Me: “I am happy to help, [Guest]. Are you looking to place a new order or file a warranty claim on a mattress you feel has a manufacturing defect?”

Guest: “Warranty claim for my bed. My grandmother purchased it. Her customer ID is [number].”

Me: “Please visit [Warranty Website] to start the free Warranty eClaim. If you follow the step-by-step instructions and submit the required pictures, you will receive a response within five to ten business days. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?”

Guest: “I cannot provide pictures; bed destroyed.”

Me: “What do you mean, it is destroyed?”

Guest: “House fire.”

Me: “I am so sorry to hear that. However, that is not a manufacturing defect. You would need to file a claim with your home insurance.”

Guest: “It’s all about money to you companies!” *Ends chat*

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Flatbed, Fathead!

, , , , | Working | November 28, 2020

I’m at a well-known Swedish store buying a dresser. I manage to lift and tip it into my cart. There are two pieces, long and flat. I go to pay and am greeted by the cashier, a young boy.

Employee #1: “Hello, how are you?”

Me: “I’m fine, thanks. I was supposed to get two pieces of one dresser, right? Just making sure.”

Employee #1: *Checks the computer* “Yeah.”

Me: *Relieved* “Okay, great.”

Employee #1: “Lemme just get the barcode… Where is it?”

Me: “Oh, it’s probably underneath; I’ll just flip it over.”

I’m about to when an older employee, about thirty, swoops in out of nowhere.

Employee #2: *Snotty* “You’re supposed to get a flatbed cart for these.”

Me: *Still jovial* “Oh, well, I would’ve if I’d seen one there. I guess they were all used!” *Laughs*

Employee #2: *Not listening* “You have to get the flatbed cart, you know!”

Me: “Like I said—”

Employee #2: *Arguing* “It’s much easier with the flatbed cart!”

I decided to not talk to her, since she was not listening, and the boy was just standing there awkward now because of her weirdness. I helped flip the box around and paid, which took about five seconds. Then, I said thanks and left. All the way out, I could still hear [Employee #2] going on about flatbeds to everyone around. I went to my car and tipped the boxes into it. Maybe it’s easier to get a barcode from the flatbeds, but it’s easier to load from the shopping carts!

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These Are Not The Dreams You Are Looking For

, , , , | Working | November 6, 2020

My mattress is long overdue for a replacement and, while I’m pretty sure what I want already, my dad convinces me to shop around with him for a day.

Our first stop is a local mattress store that neither of us has been to before. After a minute or so of browsing, a grinning salesperson comes up to us, asks us what we’re looking for, our price range, etc. All’s normal so far.

My dad and I mumble between each other for a bit.

Me: *To the salesperson* “We’re just browsing for now and still have a few more stores we want to check out. This was only our first stop.”

The salesperson, still smiling and now making direct eye contact, says:

Salesperson: “You don’t need to go anywhere else. We have everything you need right here.”

Her words are complete with a small hand wave at her hip punctuating each statement.

Dad and I catch each other’s eyes with a “Did you just see that?” look before thanking her for her time and making a beeline for the exit.

We were safely on the road again before we finally burst out laughing at the salesperson who tried to Jedi-mind-trick us into buying a mattress from her! That store went out of business shortly after, so I don’t think it ever worked, either!

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Sit Down On A Couch For This One, As It Will Make You Mad

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2020

I work customer service for a furniture store. This is a small store, family-owned, and our only location. A customer comes in and looks around and decides to purchase a couch from our floor. This is a couch that is on sale due to discontinuation.

Because it is discontinued and “last chance,” there is a no-exchange-or-return policy attached. Because of this, the salesperson is asking her questions and trying to make sure that the couch will fit into her apartment building and even offers to put it on hold for her to go back and measure and call in to complete the purchase if needed.

The customer refuses.

Customer: “I know that it is just fine and is what I want.”

We go through the process, I write up the invoice and go over policies and charges one more time, and then she signs the invoice and we schedule delivery for the next day.

The next day comes, and our guys go out to deliver it and run into a couple of problems. First, there’s no freight elevator in her building — she lives on the second floor — and the halls are too narrow for them to get it easily up the stairs. They manage to get it into her apartment and where she wants it and one of the drivers notices her dog immediately jump onto the couch. She signs the necessary paperwork and they leave. A couple of hours later, I get a call:

Customer: “Hi, I had a couch delivered today and it doesn’t fit. I want to return it.”

I pull up the order to double-confirm, although I know that she’s not going to like my answer.

Me: “It looks like you purchased one of our last-chance items. Unfortunately, we can’t return that.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want it! It’s stained and it doesn’t fit in my apartment!”

Me: “Stained? What kind of stains are there?”

We always check the furniture before it leaves and if there had been a stain, she would have likely gotten a further discount on the initial purchase.

Customer: “Your delivery guys must have done something! It’s stained and it doesn’t fit. I want them to come back and get it and I want a refund!”

Me: “Hold, please.”

I flag down the delivery guy who is heading towards the back of the store.

Me: “Hey, do you remember this delivery?”

I show him the invoice.

Me: “She says it’s stained and doesn’t fit.”

Driver: “Yeah. It fit, but it was tight to get it up there. There weren’t any stains on it, though; we had it in plastic until it was in her apartment. I bet her dog did something.”

Me: “Great.”

I pick the phone back up and start talking to the customer again.

Me: “Thank you for holding. Unfortunately, because this couch is listed under our last-chance option, it can’t be returned. I double-checked your invoice and that was listed and explained when we went over it.”

Customer: “No, it’s stained and doesn’t fit. You need to come and get it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but store policy is that furniture listed as last-chance or discontinued can’t be returned or exchanged.”

Customer: “It doesn’t fit!”

Me: “Your salesperson asked you those questions yesterday and you assured us that it would.”

Customer: “You need to have your guys come and get it. I want to return it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this furniture can’t be returned.”

Customer: “What’s your name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Customer: “Email address?”

I give the work email address.

Customer: “Goodbye.” *Click*

Within about twenty minutes, there was an upset email sent to her salesperson with me CC’d in it. It explained in detail how the couch didn’t fit and was stained and how it needed to be returned.

She went on to explain that if we didn’t allow her to return the couch, she was going to email corporate — the store manager’s husband — and tell them how we were horrible employees. The salesperson and I discussed it and he decided he would call her to see if he could get her to understand the policy. He never made the phone call; within five minutes of her email to us, I got a call from the manager’s husband telling me that we needed to process this return.

I tried to explain the situation, but he didn’t want to hear it; neither did the manager. So, I called the customer back and managed to schedule a time for our guys to retrieve the couch the next day.

When they got back, we looked it over. There were a few scratches — mostly on the underside — from when they were trying to get it into her apartment and there were most definitely yellowish stains in a couple of places. There was also dog hair UNDER the cushions. I tried to explain to the manager that the stain was likely dog pee and that we shouldn’t refund the money or have retrieved it, but she refused to listen to me, basically telling me to shut up when I kept trying to point out that the stains hadn’t been there before and neither had the dog fur.

She refused to listen and just paid a cleaner to come and get rid of the stain and then marked it down a little more. When the customer came to pick up her check, she had her dog with her and looked entirely too pleased with herself.

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Antisocial Distancing

, , , , , , | Right | August 24, 2020

Lockdown has been eased, so my wife gets me to take her to a popular self-assembly furniture store to blow the cobwebs away.

Social distancing rules are still in force, and progress through the store’s one-way arrow-driven system is, of course, understood, as is the need to keep your distance.

Not everybody cares about this, of course. We are ambling through, as we do, taking our time, which doesn’t suit the taste of everybody, many of whom are impatient to get to the sections they like. Pushing past us causes violations of social distancing. So, in general, we tend to stand off to one side so as to let the traffic-jam behind us get past in their eagerness to get to the bits they are there for.

This doesn’t stop a family — a woman with three teenage and younger girls — who practically barge right into us, which is double rude because we’re not young, and my wife is clearly of limited mobility.

“Excuse me! Back off! Keep your distance!” I bark at them.

“I’m sorry,” she replies, in an accent from over the other side of the ocean. “We didn’t know you were going to be there.” And they continue to barge their way past, not giving a d*** about “distance.”

What is worse is that they — especially the crotch-vomits — are going back and forward, in complete violation of the rules.

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