To Have And To Hold On To The Recliner

| Milford, CT, USA | Uncategorized

(I am about to sell a couple of recliners to a wife and her husband.)

Me: “Alright, folks. I can go ring up those two recliners for you.”

Wife: “Will they take our old recliner with them when they deliver the new one?”

Me: “Well, they can move it to another room or bring it out to the curb free of charge. But if you want them to actually bring it with them, it’s a $50 charge. They have to make a separate trip to donate or dispose of it.”

Husband: “$50? That’s ridiculous!”

Wife: “Are you kidding? We don’t know anybody who will do it for us. If we hire someone, we’re never going to find someone to do it for less than $50.”

Husband: “It’s $50!”

Wife: “Did you not hear what I just said?”

Husband: “Yeah, but I’m not paying $50 for them to take away our old chair.”

Wife, to me: “Can you please excuse us for two minutes so we can have an argument?”

(I walk away while they continue to fight. Sure enough, two minutes later, the wife calls me back over.)

Wife: “Okay, we’re done arguing. We’ll pay the $50 for the haul away.”

(The husband looks down at the floor and says nothing.)

Related:
To Have And To Hold On To The Remote

Surely Knot Elastic

| Sheffield, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you make curtains to order?”

Me: “Certainly. Do you have your measurements?”

Customer: *pleased with his cleverness* “I couldn’t find a tape measure, so I used this piece of string. The width is from the end of the string to this knot.”

Me: “Sir, this is a piece of elastic.”

Customer: “So?”

(He hands me the elastic string, which I proceed to stretch.)

Me: “Is your window this wide, or this wide, or this wide?”

Complaining To A Fault

| Chester, England, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “I want a refund on my sofa!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. What seems to be the problem with the sofa?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I’m sorry you’re not happy. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy with it.”

Me: “I see. Why exactly is that?”

Customer: “There is a manufacturing fault.”

Me: “What is the fault, sir?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “I understand that, sir. What is the fault with the sofa?”

Customer: “Well, I’m not happy!”

Me: “With all due respect, ‘I’m not happy’ is not a manufacturing fault.”

Customer: “Of course it is. It’s manufactured to make me happy! This sofa is not fit for purpose!”

Me: “Can you sit on the sofa?”

Customer: “Of course I can!”

Me: “Then it is fit for purpose, sir.”

Customer: “But I am not happy! There must be a manufacturing fault to make me not happy with it!”

In A (Lone Star) Drunken State

| Texas, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi there! Welcome to [store name]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you sell wine?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t sell alcohol.”

Customer: “But…but this is Texas!”

Avoid A Soft Touch With Bad Customers

| Louisiana, USA | Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers, Uncategorized

(We sell a line of massage chairs. For two days, a man had come in, sat in one chair for 20 minutes, and left without looking at any other item. On the third day, my boss asks me to confront him.)

Me: “Hi, sir! I’ve noticed your interest in this massage chair. Are you interested in making a purchase?”

Customer: “Um… um… no…”

Me: “Sir, we can’t allow you to sit in the chair for this long three days in a row if you don’t even have the slightest interest in buying it. Other customers who are interested would like to try it, too.”

Customer: “What are you talking about, man? There isn’t anyone else here right now!  And who would pay $1,500 for a chair!?”

Me: “Plenty of people. This is one of our most popular items.”

Customer: “Idiots! Why would they pay for the chair when they can just come here and use it for free?!”