(My boss is a true salesperson as well as a compulsive liar. I am working with a couple who want a media chest for their bedroom.)

Customer: “We really like this style, but prefer another finish. It’s shown in the catalog.”

Me: *to boss* “Do we have any in stock?”

Boss: “No, but that I just ordered a bunch of pieces, including that media chest, and that it will be here in two weeks.”

(Excited, they buy the media chest from me. After they leave:)

Me: “I didn’t know you had placed an order with [Manufacturer].”

Boss: “I didn’t.”

Me: “Then why did you tell my customer that you did and that their media chest would be here in two weeks?”

Boss: “Well, I had to tell them something.”

(Not only did my boss not order that media chest, but the manufacturer had stopped making that suite altogether. Convinced that he could somehow come across one from somewhere else, my boss waited a month before he told me to refund my customer, who had called several times by that point.)

(I work in a department store, but am not employed by that company so I can’t handle their furniture or answer questions about it either. To help customers realise there is a difference, I tend to wear coloured clothes as the host store staff can only wear black. I’m currently cleaning a selection of finishes and the customer beckons me over.)

Customer: “Thank god we found someone. Now, we want something that is full wood. Nothing veneered and nothing of this chipboard rubbish. Do you have any?”

Me: “My company doesn’t do full wood pieces, only veneers. If you find any of the ladies or gents in black who are in charge of [Host Store]’s stock, they’ll be able to help you. I’m a rep from a different company so I don’t know their stock.”

Customer: “No.” *starts to slow her speech down* “Do you have any full wood pieces?”

Me: “Like I said, I don’t, but if you find one of the ladies or gents in black they may have some.”

Customer: *slowing down to the pace you’d use to teach babies new words now* “Dooo yoooou haaaave aaaanny fuuuuull woooooood piiiiieeeces?”

Me: “No. As I’ve said, my company doesn’t but [Host Store] may do.”

Customer: “You really don’t understand what I’m saying and you sound foreign!”

Me: “Eigentlich bin ich aus Deutschland, aber ich war in England angehoben. Ich versichere Ihnen, ich verstehe dich, aber ich kann nicht sagen, das Gefühl.” *Actually I am from Germany, but I was raised in England. I assure you I understand you, but I can’t say the feeling is mutual*

(With that the customer stormed off and I saw her repeating the whole thing again to one of the Host Store people.)

(I’ve gone with my boss to look at new desk chairs for our office.)

Me: “This one’s comfy!”

My Boss: “How much is that one?”

Salesman: “$280.”

Me: “Really? But it looks just like this one in the catalog that’s $179.”

Salesman: “No, see how the back is different?”

Me: “A little.”

My Boss: “I’m buying a lot of chairs. Is it possible to get a discount?”

Salesman: “No, $280 is the price. Plus delivery.”

My Boss: “Delivery? I’ve bought furniture from you a dozen times, and you’ve never charged us for delivery! We’re around the corner from you!”

Salesman: “Sorry, our prices are set.”

(The manager, whom my boss has done business with before, enters the showroom.)

Manager: “Hi, nice to see you again. What are you looking for?”

My Boss: “I want a set of office chairs, but your salesman said you can’t go below $280 for these. And are you charging for delivery now?”

Manager: “$280? That chair is $150! And no, we don’t charge for delivery.”

My Boss: *to salesman* “Is that true?”

(The salesman’s ears turn red.)

Manager: *to my boss* “I’m handling your account from now on.”

(I work at a pretty popular furniture store. A girl and her friend come in. After looking around for a bit and giggling to themselves, the girls come up to me.)

Girl #1: “Hi. Yeah… we… like… we wanted to know… do you guys sell band members here?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Girl #1: “Yeah! Band members! Like, you know, people who are in bands and play music?”

Me: “Oh! No, we don’t really sell band posters, sorry.”

Girl #1: “No! Not posters! We want band members!”

Me: “What? You mean you want me to sell you the actual band members? As in the actual people who play in the band?”

Both Girls: “Yeah!”

Me: “I’m sorry… I don’t think we have any in stock, and we’re probably not going to get some anytime soon. Actually, I think no store will have what you’re looking for, girls.”

Girl #1: “Aw, really?”

Girl #2: “Come on… Are you sure? Not even clones?”

Me: “Yeah, I think the most you will find will be posters and band merchandise. With pictures of them, maybe, but not the actual people. I’m very sorry.”

Both Girls: “Aw… it’s okay; sorry for bothering you.”

(As they walk away, I overhear them talking.)

Girl #2: “Aw, I really wanted a Billie Joe Armstrong.”

Girl #1: “Yeah… I guess our best bet is asking Adrienne if she’s willing to share.”

Girl #2: “Yep, we should do it. I mean, it’s like… It’s not like I want to marry him or something. I just want to be his friend, and cuddle with him, and pet his hair. Don’t forget about petting his hair.”

Girl #1: “Same here! Hmm, you know what this means, right?”

Girl #2: “Yeah. Let’s ask her on both Twitter and Instagram until she finally answers.”

(My manager has heard everything and comes over to me laughing. We’re both huge Green Day fans.)

Manager: “Oh, God… Were they… really?

Me: “Yeah.”

(My manager starts singing to the tune of the chorus of the song “Stray Heart”.)

Manager: “Everything that they want, they want from him, but they just can’t have him. Everything that they need, they need from therapy, but they won’t realize it.”

This story is part of our Cuddle roundup!

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(My coworker is filling balloons with helium to decorate our furniture store.)

Coworker #1: “Did you know that if you fill one of those balloons with twice as much helium, it’ll be twice as weightless?”

Coworker #2: “Really?”

Coworker #1: “Yep!”

Me: “Um, you know that helium isn’t truly weightless, don’t you? It may become more buoyant, but it isn’t ever weightless.”

Coworker #1: “That’s not true. Helium is weightless. How else would it make the balloon float? So it stands to reason that twice as much would be twice as weightless!”

Me: “No, weightless means zero weight. By your logic, twice zero is zero, but helium isn’t weightless. It’s simply that helium is lighter than the gases comprising air. Take the example of a bubble rising to the surface of water because the water is heavier than air.”

Coworker #1: “But air doesn’t have weight either! Can you feel it?” ”

(To demonstrates his point, he fans the air in front of himself.)

Coworker #1: *triumphantly* “NO!”

Me: *facepalm*