I work as a phlebotomist in a hospital. I’m currently getting ready to draw blood from a woman in the emergency room. We are separated from another patient in the room by a curtain. Just as I am about to start, we hear a woman scolding her husband next door. 

Woman: “Don’t do that! It’s disgusting!”

Man: “Why? You’re the only one in here. I toot at home, and you have never said anything.”

Woman: “There are other people in the room on the other side of the curtain.”

Man: “What am I supposed to do, then? I can’t get up to go to the bathroom. It gets uncomfortable.”

Woman: “Well, just don’t. There are other people; I’m sure they think we are disgusting. No one wants to hear you, and what if it leaves a smell that wafts over there?”

Me: *Softly to my patient* “Do you care if that guy farts?”

Patient: *Also quietly* “No; everyone farts.” 

Patient’s Husband: *Loudly* “We have four kids. Farting is a normal part of our life. It’s actually one of the least disgusting parts of our day. It’s a normal, necessary process.”

At that, a loud fart came from the other room.

Patient’s Husband: “It’s just like home!”

Customer: “I was here this morning and saw you had a two-for-one on my favorite dark chocolate bars! But now they’re all gone!”

We walk to where the bars should be, but unfortunately, there is a noticeable gap in the shelves where they should be.

Me: “It looks like they’ve all been sold, ma’am.”

Customer: “No! I was only here this morning! They can’t have all sold!”

Me: “When we have two-for-one deals, they can go pretty quickly, I’m afraid.”

As I am talking, I can see that another section of our candy aisle has been messed around a little, and a big box is peeking out from behind some display items. I normally wouldn’t have noticed, but the box is the exact same color as the dark chocolate the customer is after. I slide the display candy out of the way and am shocked to find our entire stock of the dark chocolate hiding there.

Me: “Oh, my goodness! Ma’am, you won’t believe it, but I have found the dark chocolate. I think another customer must have hidden them back here.”

Customer: *Dawning realization* “Oh, I think it was me that must have done that!”

Me: “You… hid all the dark chocolate?”

Customer: “Yes! I wanted to get as many as I could, but I needed to go home and get my better-quality bag! I remember now!”

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t do that. You’re denying the sale to other customers.”

She picks up the entire box of fifty or so candy bars.

Customer: “What’s the big deal? You’re still selling them all, aren’t you?”

One of the hospitals my mom worked at was notorious for calling her on her day off to ask her to come in. The standard response at home for anyone asking for her was finding out who was calling, telling them, “Let me see if she’s here. Hold on,” and then quietly asking my mom if she wanted to speak with them.

A few years later, I’m working my first job at a fast food place, and the phone rings. It’s the owner calling for our manager. Without missing a beat, I say:

Me: “Let me see if she’s here. Hold on.”

My manager was maybe ten feet away and gave me the weirdest look, but it wasn’t until after she finished the call that I found out why.

Manager “Do you know what you said to [Owner]?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “‘Let me see if she’s here. Hold on.’”

Me: “Oh, crap.”

I explained myself.

Manager: *Shaking her head with amusement* “Well, [Owner] told me said to her husband, ‘She had better be there!’ before I picked up. Don’t do that again.”

Lesson learned; after that, I was careful about what I said on the phone at work.

Related:
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot, Part 5
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot, Part 4
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot, Part 3
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot, Part 2
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot

I work at a university that has a contract with one of those rental scooter services. If you’re not familiar, there are electric scooters scattered all over campus that you can unlock via an app on your phone and then ride around for a fee charged by the time.

I had an errand on campus that I had to run on a VERY hot day, so I wanted to spare myself some time in the sun.

This exchange happened via text shortly after I completed my errand.

Me: “So, I decided to try out one of those [Brand] rental scooters to save time.”

Husband: “Oh, yeah? How did that go?”

Me: “Well, I’m currently at the pharmacy buying lidocaine and bandages, so draw your own conclusions.”

Turns out, those things are FAST.

I’ve submitted several stories about my friends, family, and neighbors, and I’m thankful they’ve been published, but I’m hoping y’all won’t mind one more from my paternal grandmother. It’s my favorite of the many anecdotes she shared.

Dad’s family was an Air Force family, and they once got stationed in Tokyo and Okinawa in the 1950s for about four years. (They actually returned to the States right before the very first Godzilla film was released in theaters, but I digress.)

One day while in Tokyo, my grandfather had to speak with his commanding officer before some errands, so he left Grandma with their three kids in the car to wait.  

While they waited, the car started shaking. Grandma was afraid that meant an earthquake was building up and panicked since it was the first time she’d experienced one. But just as she was wondering if it was going to get worse, how to keep the children safe and calm, and if her husband would be all right…

…about forty sumo wrestlers went jogging by as part of their training.

Of all the things Grandma had thought might happen in Japan, that certainly wasn’t one of them.