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That’s Where Kittens And Puppies Come From

, , , , , , | Related | June 14, 2022

When I was around seven or eight I was very curious, and a lot of the time I would ask some very interesting questions.

Me: “Where do babies come from?”

My aunt, totally unprepared, quickly came up with an answer.

Aunt: “Uhh… C section?”

Me: “What about the A and B sections?”

The Customers Soon Know Who SHE Is

, , , , | Right | June 14, 2022

For reasons I can’t understand, my coworker seems to get all the “Do you know who I am?” customers. She and I are good friends and often end up on the same shifts, which has given me the opportunity to hear all of the clever retorts she’s come up with over the years:

A customer cuts the line and demands to be served first.

Customer #1: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “An impatient would-be customer who can’t wait in line like a normal person.”

Another customer is upset that their massive order isn’t ready after ten seconds.

Customer #2: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “Apparently, someone who can cook a good quantity of meat in less than a minute. We could use someone like you in the kitchen!”

Another customer is appalled at having to fill her own fountain drink.

Customer #3: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “If you can’t fill your own drinks, then I don’t want to.”

This customer was just told that our milkshake machine isn’t working.

Customer #4: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “Someone who blames the girl at the register for the fault of the mechanics.”

This customer has just had his card declined and was told to pay with a different method.

Customer #5: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “You know, I thought I did, but if you can’t pay for your own meal, I’m thinking I was wrong.”

Another customer is trying to order from our lunch menu during breakfast hours and is showing signs of intoxication.

Customer #6: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “Do you know what time it is?”

This customer is offended after trying to flirt and being told to stop.

Customer #7: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “One of a million guys who think they’re irresistible to women and are wrong.”

This customer refused to put their mask on when told.

Customer #8: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “No, but I’ll be able to see it on your grave when you die of [health crisis].”

This customer is accosting [Coworker] after we’ve clocked out and have refused to serve her.

Customer #9: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “I’m off the clock, b****. I don’t have to.”

And of course, her cover-all for when she’s too tired to come up with something clever and situation-specific…

Customer: “Do you know who I am?”

Coworker: “An entitled customer.”

She’s gotten told off sometimes when her supervisor notices her snarking, but it’s always with a laugh.

Must Be Here For The Secret Sales

, , , , , | Right | June 13, 2022

After college, I worked at a fabric store just outside of Washington, DC. One day, a member of the Secret Service came in and informed us that the wife of a foreign leader wanted to shop in our store. He needed to check out the layout and entrances to be sure there were no risks. He walked around and had us lock the loading dock door, but he said we could stay open for regular business while this VIP was shopping.

The lady showed up about an hour or so later with a couple more male agents. She spent a long time shopping (spending thousands of dollars) so a lot of customers came and went while she was there. A few of them asked why the Secret Service was there.

The lead agent came over to me at one point and said:

Agent: “Please don’t tell anyone we are with the Secret Service.”

Me: “Uh, sir, this is a fabric store and we don’t get many male customers in the first place. You are wearing earpieces and suits; it’s obvious who you are!”

The VIP had such a great time that she came back the next day to buy more fabric. This time, her security detail wore Hawaiian shirts. They didn’t look any less conspicuous!

PowerPoint! Office! Reader!

, , , , , | Right | June 13, 2022

A woman walks up to the counter with an old picture showing a group of people.

Customer: “I need you to take everyone except me out of this picture.”

Me: “You mean digitally remove them? Ma’am, I don’t think that’s possible with a picture like this. We’d have to remove nearly all of the photo.”

Customer: “But… Photoshop?”

Me: “I’m sure someone with a lot of time and talent could give it a go, but we’re a humble photo lab. We can do basic manipulation but nothing like what you’re asking.”

Customer: “But… this is a photo… shop?”

Me: “Well, yes. But we can’t do—”

Customer: “Adobe?”

Me: “Well, that’s the company that—”

Customer: “Microsoft?”

Me: “… Ma’am. Are you just saying computer words hoping it will work?”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Excel Photoshop?”

Me: “…okay, I don’t think we can help you, ma’am.”

A Whole Stairwell Full Of Wholesome Shenanigans

, , , , , , | Learning | June 12, 2022

Back in college, our dorm had a security guard that was nearing retirement age. He was a nice enough fellow who was always pretty fair. What he hated was when kids got drunk and started getting loud, causing disturbances. It always created a bunch of paperwork that he hated but his superiors demanded it every time he left the front desk.

My entire floor was full of students who were taking fairly hard classes for degrees in pre-med, engineering, teaching, pre-law, etc. We were a pretty serious group and very focused on our studies, so we never caused any trouble.

One hot night, we all had our room doors open because we had no air conditioner. We were all mostly stressed out due to finals. All of a sudden, I heard some loud voices from the stairwell. I and many others went to investigate. Several of our floormates were trying to run Slinkies down the steps. These are metal or plastic spring-like children’s toys. The old commercials would show that you could make them “walk” down steps. Someone had a box of about a dozen of them, but they couldn’t get it to work right. Before long, we had over thirty college kids all in the stairwell trying to get these things to work.  

Suddenly, the security guard came running up from the bottom floor. When he saw what was going on, he just stopped, looking at us with puzzlement.  

After we explained what we were doing, he turned around, shaking his head, and as he walked away, we heard him mumbling in a rather aggravated tone.

Security Guard: “No, couldn’t be normal college kids just getting drunk. How the heck am I going to write this up in a report that would be believable?”