Right Working Romantic Related Learning Friendly Healthy Legal Inspirational Unfiltered

You’ve Bean Naughty, And Now It’s Time For Payback

, , , , , , | Working | CREDIT: ANONYMOUS BY REQUEST | June 16, 2022

I am known to purchase the giant jar of JellyBellies from a warehouse chain. It’s a very reasonable price. I take them to work with me. I don’t mind people coming in and shaking out a handful. But I have a coworker who badmouths me behind my back, always wants in on lunch runs, and always promises to get us next time and therefore never actually pays. She regularly comes in and takes a whole mug full of JellyBellies without asking permission — or even saying hi — and makes it clear that she hates me but loves the JellyBelly supply. I had to take action.

We are both early morning people, so there is usually an hour or so with nobody but the two of us in the office, so I knew there would be no innocent victims.

You can buy a box of the JellyBelly game, which contains an assortment of beans that come in identical pairs. One has a good flavor and one flavor is horrible: is that bean coconut or rotten eggs? Will you get soap, earthworm, dishwater, or booger? In the game, you spin a spinner and eat whatever color it tells you to eat, and you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting a good flavor or a nasty one. It’s actually a fun game — among friends.

However, this did not involve a friend, so I happily bought a box of the nasty mix and dumped it into the jar. There were only one or two inches of beans left in the bottom, so this was a sacrifice I was willing to make. And then I waited.

I left my office for a bit, came back, and saw that there were significantly fewer beans left. Perfect.

About ten minutes later, I heard a wonderful cacophony of gagging, retching, and utterances of disgust, accompanied by what sounded suspiciously like something being spit into the trash can down the hall. With said trash can having a hint of a whiff of rotten egg. With a cup of uneaten JellyBelly added to the top of the trash.

The remainder of the jug went into my own trash can. A new stash was purchased, and for the past two weeks, I have noticed that it is not draining as quickly as it used to.

That particular coworker hasn’t said a word to me since — not that she was actually talking to me before, but at least now she isn’t mooching off of somebody she hates.

Let Me Introduce My Special(ty) Friend

, , , , | Friendly | June 16, 2022

My friend is a self-employed therapist doing telehealth. I was talking to her during a car ride about a problem I ran into and she gave me some unexpected helpful advice on the subject.

Me: “How do you know all that?”

Friend: “It’s one of my specialties.”

Me: “Another one?! How many specialties do you have?”

Friend: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, let’s see. You specialize in relationship consoling, LGBT issues, helping sexual assault survivors, hypnotherapy, and about a dozen other things I’ve already forgotten. At this point, it would be faster to just tell me what you don’t specialize in.”

Friend: “What can I say? It’s the nature of the job; you need to learn how to handle a wide range of things.”

Me: “All I’m saying is that if the zombie apocalypse starts tomorrow and we all get stranded in an airport, when they ask if anyone knows how to fly a plane, I could totally see you declaring it’s your specialty and flying us all to safety.”

Friend: “Oh, actually, I used to have a private pilot license.”

Me: “SEE?!”

What’s The Opposite Of Artificial Intelligence?

, , , | Right | June 15, 2022

I am having a rather boring day at work, and then the phone rings.

Me: “[Office], this is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

I am greeted by a very perky but slightly artificial-sounding voice.

Caller: “Hi! This is Bob Hilton calling from—”

Me: “Bot Hilton?”

Caller: “Hi! This is Bob Hilton—”

Me: “Bot?”

Caller: “Hi! This is Bob Hilton—”

Me: “Bot?”

Caller: “Hi! This—”

Okay, I’ve had a good laugh for the day. I hung up the phone and returned to work.

The Vote Being Rewrote Is Remote

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2022

I am a volunteer, campaigning for a political party near a busy market.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Do you know who you’re voting for?”

Woman: “Of course! [Political Party]! Why, who are you voting for?!”

Me: “Well, I am campaigning for [Other Political Party]. May I ask why you’re making that vote?”

Woman: “I don’t like the other guy. He wants to help too many people.”

Me: “Helping people is bad?”

Woman: “I don’t vote to help people! They never did anything for me!”

Me: “Don’t you think that sounds a bit selfish?”

Woman: “You, too? Why does everyone keep asking me that?!”

This Story Goes From Zero To Hundred

, , , , , , | Right Working | June 14, 2022

I’m working in the drive-thru. I take an order and the car pulls to the window to pay. I do my usual spiel and the driver goes to pass me a folded-up bill.

I reach out, but just as I’m about to grab it, I realize that it’s a $100 bill which we don’t accept.

Me: *Pulling my hand back* “Oh, I’m sorry, but we don’t—”

The customer, thinking I was holding the bill, lets go, sending it off in the wind.

I have never moved so fast in my life. I practically vault the counter and go Juggernaut through the front door to chase after the money. Thankfully, it doesn’t get far. Thoroughly out of breath, I run inside and hand it back to the customer.

Me: *Panting* “I’m sorry… We… don’t take $100… bills… Do you… have… another way… to pay?”