Back in the day, one of my customers was the cafeteria at a local hospital. At the end of every shift, they would run reports on those long folio folded perforated ledger sheets with the green and white stripes. If you are over fifty, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

These are continuous feed via a tractor mechanism to a dot matrix printer. The sheets are 8 1/2 x 14 legal size so the printer is huge.

One day, I get a call.

Caller: “The printer won’t stop screaming when we print reports!”

Me: “Screaming?”

Caller: “Yes, screaming.”

In a hospital. It is disturbing patients, apparently.

I go out there, run a report, and d***ed if the printer doesn’t start screaming like it is a peacock being murdered!

I do all my checks and am about ready to pull out my screwdrivers — machines fear me when I get out the screwdrivers — when I look down the paper feed path and see…

An Aspirin.

As the paper went through the tractor feed, it dragged along the aspirin and vibrated it against the plastic feed guide at JUUUST the perfect frequency to sound exactly like a woman’s scream.

I removed the aspirin and it was just as quiet as you remember dot matrix printers to be.

After explaining what had happened, I offered the aspirin to the office manager. She declined.

Caller: “Outlook is deleting all of my emails on its own!”

Me: “Could it be a keyboard issue?”

Caller: “No! I swear it’s only happening on Outlook!”

I’ve never heard of anything like this, but my go-to fix for weird issues is creating a new mail profile in the control panel.

As soon as I get the mail profiles window, it’s repeatedly trying to delete her existing profile. I ask her to unplug an external keyboard if she has one:

Caller: “Oh my God! I had my wireless keyboard on the bench next to me, and had set something on the delete key!”

I’ve heard funny stories of this happening but never dreamed I’d run into it myself. After entertaining my coworkers with the story, I learned this same user once slammed her laptop lid closed with a pen on the keyboard, shattering the screen.

I work at a small restaurant, and Sundays are always busy because of our Sunday roast. It is before the lunchtime rush and we have two tables in. One is an old couple and the other is a family of four with grown-up kids in their early twenties.

At the family table, the daughter has a panic attack and ends up actually passing out. She comes around quickly. We open the door to allow some air in for her as she is next to the door.

Old Lady: “Shut the door! It’s freezing!”

She is sitting nowhere near the door and it isn’t open that much.

Me: “Ma’am, I will soon. This lady needs some fresh air.”

Old Lady: “No. You will shut it now. My food is going cold.”

I keep the door open and get my manager to tell him what’s going on.

Old Lady: *To the manager* “Shut the door! My food is going cold!”

Me: “Ma’am, a lady has fainted.”

Old Lady: “I don’t care. I don’t want my food getting cold!”

We ignore her for a bit but she keeps on.

Old Lady: “If you don’t shut the door I’m leaving.”

We didn’t shut the door. True to her word she got up and left. Her husband stayed behind. He ate his lunch and ordered a dessert and a drink to follow that. He apologised for his wife’s behaviour and tipped well.

The wife waited outside the whole time. We think that old lady thought that her husband would’ve just followed her!

I am a shift manager. A customer pulls up to the speaker in the drive-thru and gives my crew member a hard time about her coupon. This coupon is two combo meals for $8.99 (plus tax). She also wants to add two twenty-ounce drinks, which are another $1.79 each.

The customer is yelling and complaining about the price. My crew member (in tears!) comes to me and asks me to deal with her. It’s the middle of the lunch rush and I am protective of my crew members – don’t make them cry! I approach the window.

Me: “I’m the manager. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Why is it almost $15?! The coupon is for $8.99 and I know extra drinks ain’t cost that much!”

Me: “There is a 6% sales tax on everything. The coupon itself even says so. Also, it looks like you requested to add cheese, which is an additional $0.50 per sandwich, and you wanted to go heavy on all the toppings on one, which is an additional $0.60. Also, those additional drinks added around $3.50 to your bill, as well. That’s why it’s not $8.99.”

Customer: “Okay, fine, take off one of the drinks.”

Me: “Okay, so your total is now [over $12].”

Customer: “Seriously? Okay, fine, take off the other one, too.”

Me: “All right, so your total is now [over $10].”

Customer: “It’s $8.99.”

Me: “There’s still a tax, ma’am. Also, the extra cheese and toppings you wanted are adding an additional dollar or so to your bill.”

Customer: “Fine!”

She takes forever to dig up change and the line is growing behind her. I hand her food over and the drinks that came with her coupon bundle.

Me: “Have a good day.”

Customer: “Where’s my other Sprite?”

Me: “You took it off, remember? The coupon came with two drinks so you have your two Sprites.”

Customer: “GIVE ME MY SPRITE! I PAID FOR IT!”

I print out another receipt, showing her that she is wrong.

Me: “You didn’t pay for it.”

Customer: “GIVE ME MY SPRITE!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay for it.”

Customer: “GIVE ME MY SPRITE!”

Me: “You already got your two drinks that came with the coupon. You didn’t pay for additional drinks, remember?”

Customer: “GIVE ME MY F****** SPRITE SO I CAN GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE!”

We lock eyes and stare into each other’s souls for what feels like an eternity. Cars behind her are honking. Suddenly, I have an idea.

Me: “Okay one second.”

I pour a carbonated water, which looks identical to Sprite.

Me: “ENJOY YOUR FREE DRINK!”

I slam the window shut and she drives off.

I know it’s petty, and normally, I wouldn’t have done something like this, but I promise you she deserved it.

This story is part of our Best Of October 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of October 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of October 2020 roundup!

My high-strung border collie mix has to go out on a leash due to a bad habit of chasing after bunnies, squirrels, cats, turkeys, and deer. Today is no different, and he takes me all over the yard, sniffing and barking every few feet, even though nothing is visible to me.

During one such circuit, he stops to stare into the trees and sniff dramatically. A tiny movement near my feet makes me glance down.

Our neighbors’ tiny tortoiseshell cat is staring up at me, standing less than a foot from my dog. He has not noticed her in the slightest.

I love my dog, but the best and brightest he isn’t!

This story is part of our Border Collie roundup!

Read the next Border Collie roundup story!

Read the Border Collie roundup!