Sounds Like You Need One For Every Room

, , , , , | Romantic | April 25, 2021

I have a horrible habit of bringing my glasses cloth into our living room and losing it. My wife finds it funny and likes to tease me about it.

I just received my new glasses and I’m cleaning them on the sofa, settling the cloth beside me. Unbeknownst to me, it’s started to slip between the cushions.

My wife, playing distraught, says loudly to the cloth:

Wife: “YOU WON’T LEAVE HERE!”

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If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems

, , , , , , , | Healthy | April 25, 2021

I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.

This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!

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This Would Be Sweet If It Weren’t So Stupid

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: LongLiveMisanthrope | April 24, 2021

A customer comes up to my coworker.

Customer: “This set of lights smells, right?”

The guy looks at the box and sees that it says, “candy cane lights,” for being both red and white alternating. He chuckles.

Coworker: “No, these lights aren’t scented. They’re only called that because of the light pattern they produce.”

She gives him a confused look.

Customer: “No, it says it’s scented right here.”

She points to the text toward the bottom and reads it.

Customer: “’In candy scents.’ See, it’s scented, right?”

The text read, “Incandescent.” Apparently, she was completely serious and got really confused why my coworker was pronouncing it weird.

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Best To Stick To A Single Phone Call

, , , , , | Right | April 23, 2021

I work at a help desk for a company that has employees use an automated phone system to enter the time they worked, while their employers, who are mostly elderly or disabled, use the same system to approve them. Because it’s a phone system that we often need to train these clients on, we recommend they call the system with a separate phone and put it on speakerphone so we can guide them through the system, and therefore train the clients.

I’m on the phone with an elderly client.

Me: “Does this phone have speakerphone capability?”

Caller: “Yes, it does.”

Me: “Okay, please call [phone number].”

The caller dials the number and puts the second phone on speaker so I can hear. An automated system picks up, but it’s a perkier voice than the system our company uses.

Automated System: “Are you looking to talk with hot singles? We have the hottest men just waiting to take your call!”

Caller: “Oh, my!”

Me: “Ma’am, please disconnect the call. That’s not our system!”

Caller: *Hangs up the second phone.* “Oh, dear, I definitely didn’t call the right number.” *Pause* “Maybe later, but not now!”

We both had a good laugh over that one. I wish I had more callers like her!


This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of April 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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What A Bunny Misunderstanding

, , , , , | Healthy | April 23, 2021

This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.

Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”

I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:

Me: “I don’t know.”

And I went to join everybody.

As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant! 

I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”

My fellow cast members thought it was funny.

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