I work at one of those sandwich shops where the customers watch us make their sandwiches behind the glass. My manager has just received some bad news so is not taking any BS from anyone today.

Customer: “I want a sub of the day on the Italian. And make it right this time! You idiots have gotten my order wrong three times already!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I—”

Manager: *To me* “No, don’t apologize to them.” *To the customer* “Apologize to my employee for calling her an idiot.”

Customer: “I will not! If you don’t want them called idiots, then don’t hire idiots!”

Manager: “You watch us make the sandwich in front of you, and yet you didn’t get what you ordered?”

Customer: “Well, I—”

Manager: “And you let this happen three times?!“

Customer: “Look, I—”

Manager: “And you think we’re the idiots?!“

The customer gave up at that point and left.

I’m visiting my boyfriend at his family’s house one day when they get a call saying his father has had a heart attack and is in hospital. Naturally, they all want to rush to leave, and I volunteer to stay and look after the dog.

I am a cat person and have had little experience with dogs. The family is gone pretty much all day — as you could guess with something like this — and the dog starts reminding me that it is nearly dinner time.

I text my boyfriend.

Me: “What do you normally do with food for [Dog]?”

Boyfriend: “Give him two scoops of the dry food we have in the cupboard.”

I do. [Dog] ends up sleeping happily on the sofa until they get back, all is well, and [Boyfriend]’s dad is recovering at the hospital after emergency surgery.

When they return, [Boyfriend]’s mum looks at a very happy dog.

Boyfriend’s Mum: “Was everything okay?”

Me: “Yes. I was surprised how quickly [Dog] wolfed down his two scoops.”

Boyfriend’s Mum: *Frowning slightly* “But that’s his food for the whole day.”

No wonder the dog was so happy that evening.

There is a chocolate bar in the UK called a “Flake 99” or just a “99.” I don’t know why it is called the 99 part, but it’s a flaky stick of chocolate commonly added to ice cream cones.

A man begins to ask me for a 99 but accidentally says:

Customer: “Can I get a 69?”

The woman he was with literally holds her sides because she can’t breathe with laughter, which is only made worse when my colleague replies:

Colleague: “Well, it’s a bit busy at the moment, but if you come back later, I’m sure we can get you sorted.”

He got his ice cream — and ONLY his ice cream!

I work in a home improvement store, stationed in the lumber department. A man comes in and I greet him. 

Me: “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Customer: “Jesus. But I don’t think I’ll find him here.”

I barely even think before I open my mouth.

Me: “Well, you might. He was a carpenter, after all.”

The man chuckles and continues on his way. Then, he abruptly freezes, turning around to stare at me. 

Customer: *Bursting out laughing* “He was, wasn’t he?!”

He continued to laugh as he wandered further into the store, and I got a little giggle to myself for setting him off with such little effort.

My parents’ Wi-Fi fails suddenly while I am visiting. I work in IT, so it naturally falls on my shoulders to fix it. I try resetting and reconfiguring their wireless access point without any improvement, so I decide to call technical support. My cellular service provider has zero service in my parents’ neighborhood, so without Wi-Fi, I have to borrow my dad’s phone to call. My dad’s hearing is poor, so he wears hearing aids and has used their Bluetooth capabilities to connect them to his iPhone. I switch the phone back to the internal speaker to use it.

However, we discovered today that if my dad’s hearing aids happen to fall back in range of the phone’s Bluetooth receiver, the phone automatically switches back to them as the audio output.

My dad is in the kitchen walking around talking to my mom while I’m in his office working with the WAP and router.

Suddenly, the helpdesk employee’s voice cuts out.

Me: “Uh, hello? Hello, are you still there? Ma’am, I can’t hear you anymore.”

Dad: *To my mom* “D*** it, hang on.” *Yelling out to me* “[My Name]! There’s a woman in my head trying to talk to you!”