I work in a healthcare call center.

Caller: “I need to know my medical results.”

Me: “May I please have your name, date of birth, and your policy number or address?”

Caller: “Ooooh! I have all that ready to go! I know you need all that because otherwise it would be a hippo violation, right?”

Me: “That’s… right. Thank you for being prepared.”

Caller: “My name is [Full Name], I was born on [Date of birth], and my policy number is [Number]. I pass the hippo test now, right?”

Me: “That’s right! Thank you!”

The caller got their medical results, and the hungry, hungry hippos remained satisfied.

I was working at a pet shop waaaay back in the nineties. Some older lady came in asking about small animals. She describes the personality she’s looking for in an animal, so I bring out a male rat.

She interrupts my spiel to ask in a hushed, concerned voice:

Customer: “Are.. Are those his testicles…?!”

I laugh and explain:

Me: “Yes, male rats are surprisingly well endowed.”

She grows mildly shocked and offended and says:

Customer: “Oh no! I couldn’t have that. I’m not about to have some little beastie walking around and ejaculating everywhere!”

I work in the office for a large contractor. I got an email from someone who isn’t an existing customer:

Me: “Hey, [Boss], how should I reply to this email? They haven’t given me much to work with.”

The boss leans over my desk to see the email:

Email: “Dear [Contractor], I would like to extend my kitchen.”

That was it. That was the whole email; no questions, no measurements, nothing. Just that. 

The boss clicks ‘reply’, types in the single letter ‘K’ as a response, hits send… and walks away.

No reply yet.

We have a guy who comes in to stock vending machines. One of our coworkers has been waiting for this guy and storms over to him when he shows up for a restock.

Coworker: “Hey! [Vending Guy]! Lookie here!”

[Coworker] shows him a bag of chips that he’d purchased from the vending machine the day before.

Coworker: “It only had three chips!”

Vending Guy: “Yeah, but they’re all huge.”

Coworker: “Doesn’t matter! I only got three chips!”

Vending Guy: “You know when they pack these things, it’s done by weight, right?”

Coworker: “Doesn’t… matter! I only got three chips!”

So, this guy took the bag from him, put it on the table, and smashed it. He wordlessly gave it back to [Coworker] and got back to restocking.

This was in a factory, so all of the guys are around and have a good laugh at his expense. When the vending guy finishes restocking, he holds out a bag of chips in the same flavor as the one [Coworker] complained about and said something like “this one wouldn’t fit” and just left it on the table with a wink.

Our entire family (Mum, Dad, thirteen-year-old sister, me (eleven), and our youngest brother (five)) is out at the supermarket, shopping before a big holiday. A lot of sweet treats are on sale.

Youngest Brother: “Mum, can we get biscuits?”

Mum: “No.”

Youngest Brother: “But muuuum, I want biscuits.”

Mum: “No, they’re not on the list.”

Youngest Brother: “But I want the chocolate ones.”

Mum: “We can’t afford them.”

There was a pause before he loudly asked, within earshot of multiple customers and employees:

Youngest Brother: “Can we steal them?”

My sister and I couldn’t help but laugh.

Me: “Solution-oriented. I like it!”

Sister: “Kid’s going places! Probably prison, but still…”

We did not buy the chocolate biscuits… or steal them.