It’s my freshman year of high school, and my biology class is just finishing up our nervous system unit with a test. The class is deathly quiet when, suddenly, this woman from the front office pops into our room, yells, “PENIS!” and darts right back out and down the hall. Our teacher almost immediately starts choking on her spit trying not to laugh out loud as she briefly goes into the hall to calm down, leaving all of us completely baffled as to what the h*** just happened.

It turns out that our next unit is on the reproductive system, and our teacher asked the woman — a good friend of hers — to come to all of her classes to yell that as part of our teacher’s tactic to get our immature amusement of the topic out of our systems in the first lesson. Unfortunately for her, our teacher forgot to mention that our specific class period was running a class behind her other periods, so all she really did was scare and confuse the crap out of us during a test!

Me: “You have reached [Call Centre]. How may I help you?

Caller: “I need to add my daughter to the membership.”

Me: “Okay, we can do that. I just need her name, date of birth, phone number, and email, and we’re good to go.”

Caller: “Her name is [Daughter] and date of birth… uh… now when was that again? It’s in winter, I know that much.”

Me: “Do you remember the month, perhaps? Maybe you could check with someone?”

Caller: “I think December? I’ll check, just a moment.”

A couple of minutes go by and he comes back. 

Caller: “Yeah, December 31st!”

Me: “Soo, New Year’s Eve?”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s right!”

I’m a programmer and work in a room with a half dozen others. We often resort to good-natured teasing and complaining about each other, but I’m confident everyone knows it is in jest.

One of our coworkers has been making plans to be out in a few days for some surgery.

Me: “What is the surgery for, if you’re comfortable sharing?”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m an open book. I’m willing to share, but the real question is, do you really want to know? You can’t complain about it being too much information if you ask.”

Me: “Come on, tell us.”

Coworker: “Okay, you know how if someone does something really impressive, people will always say something like, ‘That guy has to have some huge cojones to do that.’?”

Me: “Yeah…?”

Coworker: “Well, it turns out that huge cojones aren’t as convenient as everyone made them out to be, and I’m apparently too awesome for my own good.”

He eventually goes on to explain that he has a hydrocele, which is some sort of liquid buildup on the outside of the testicle, making it grow larger until it gets in the way.

The day of his surgery, he is the only one not on vacation that can support some servers, so he comes in for two hours to check on the servers and have some sort of meeting before leaving for the surgery. When the time comes to leave, he has this to say.

Coworker: “Okay, folks. I hope none of you take this the wrong way, but I just realized I’d rather go get my balls chopped off than spend another moment here with all of you. See you on Monday.”

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My wife and I are shopping in a large chain store where almost every store is set out the same way, with the departments all in the same order. So, if you shop there regularly, like me, you quickly learn your way around the store, even if it’s a [Store] you’ve never been to before. The only difference is that occasionally the store layout is flipped, like a mirror image of the usual layout.

We’re looking for a few things, including a specific vase we want. This isn’t our usual [Store], and it is pretty busy, being Sunday afternoon, so my wife is a little turned around and getting a bit flustered.

Wife: “Hang on, we need to find the vases. I’m not sure where they are.”

Me: “Follow me; it’s this way.”

I start walking in the right direction.

Wife: “Are you sure? I think we’ve already passed them!”

Me: *Calling over my shoulder* “I know where I’m going!”

Sweet Old Lady: “Oh, if you know where you’re going, you might know where I need to go, then!”

I stop in my tracks and laugh, mostly at myself because I realise I am being kind of loud and probably obnoxious. My wife laughs at me, too.

Me: “Of course, I’ll help. What are you looking for?”

Sweet Old Lady: “Do you know where the hangers are?”

Wife: “Oh, I do! We just passed them!”

My wife then ran back to the row with the hangers and gestured grandly. The sweet old lady thanked us and said something like, “I know you don’t work here, but I was a bit lost, and since you seemed so confident, I thought I’d ask you for help.”

She got her hangers and we parted ways. Sadly, they didn’t have the vase we wanted in stock.

We’ve recently been having issues with our garage door, as it will often start to close, make a weird noise, and then open back up. One day, I drop my husband off to pick up his car after getting a minor issue fixed, and since he has to go in and get his keys, I beat him home. Once home, I phone him and ask if I should just leave the garage door open, since he will be home soon.

Husband: “No! There are valuables in there!”

Fair enough; we do have a bike, camping equipment, and several tools in there, so I close it.

Not too long later, he gets home and comes through the door.

Husband: *Complaining* “Why did you lock the front door?”

Me: “There are valuables in here!”

Husband: “But you’re in here!”

I just stood there with my mouth open. It took him a while to realize what he’d said.